Extreme destabilising behaviour / gaslighting

[Extrememindgames]

This was always the theme when I was a child from my mother. Ruthlessly unkind and abusive even limiting food then she would throw in these random ‘nice days’ where I’d be treated like a princess and given treats and toys. Then back to hell after so I was up and down.

Mind games eg being very unkind but saying ‘it’s not bullying it’s better you hear it from me not others I’m actually being kind’

Unfortunately this is still the theme and my mother has got the rest of the family involved (my sisters my aunt family friends etc). They either have been told lies about me (family friends) so ignore me or mother/sisters/aunt will either bombard me with attention contact and gifts or be absolutely hateful even on one occasion making malicious SS referral. It has got so bad the last week that I’ve blocked them all as my new year resolution. Last Xmas they lavished me with gifts this year wouldn’t even speak to me as has happened other years it’s as if they’ll be nice for show a few years running then be absolutely horrible in a cycle. I’m already having therapy but wondered did anyone else go through this kind of deliberate de stabilisation ?

It's probably not deliberate, they sound highly disordered and dysfunctional.

You sound like the family scapegoat unless they treat each other like this.

Your mum isn't going to change so keeping away from her is the best you can do under the circumstances. People like this try and hoover you back in, and you're now wise to it.

You're an adult and you're responsible for who you let into your life and what you'll tolerate. You've probably learnt some unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to deal with your mum that will take some work to unravel.

Toxic Parents is a good read as is The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. You could read up on assertiveness and maintaining boundaries.

If you look at a lot of the posts around here in recent days, this is a common thread for many of us that has had a big impact on our lives. I'm the ne'er do well while my sibling is, has, and always will be, goldenballs. I have tried and tried and tried again, but to what end? You cannot make someone treat you decently. But perhaps you owe it to yourself and your nearest and dearest to stop wasting you're energy on people who don't deserve it.

I had counselling following a relationship breakdown. When we'd worked through that and started getting to childhood trauma I quit. I could see it was going to get far too expensive.

You aren't alone by any means. It isn't your fault and you alone cannot fix it. Focus on the relationships that nourish you, not those that harm you.