Hello,
I’m curious about how people might manage forgiveness/non-forgiveness/moving on in a situation like this…
My friend and I have known each other for almost 20 years. A long time ago this friend (who has some anger issues) became very, very angry at me, seemingly out of the blue, shouting really cruel and hurtful things at me. At the time I had been feeling quite down, was in a difficult romantic r/s that I wanted to end but didn’t know how, and was finding it quite hard to see all my friends settling down with partners who they seemed blissfully happy with. Despite this being the case and some natural feelings of jealousy/envy, I would never have acted out because of it and generally tried to be upbeat. When my friend got angry she said some things to me that have never left me, and are often still in my head ten years later like ‘you are incapable of love’, ‘you are self-pitying’, ‘you are manipulative’ as well as warning me that ‘I know you’re going to hold this against me for the rest of my life’, ‘if you think this is coming from me, you’re wrong, you make me like this’. When she was shouting at me I sat on the floor in tears, so shocked and upset I was unable to speak or move. I didn’t retaliate at all at the time.
After this event (which was deeply traumatic and wounding for me) we barely spoke for 5 years. She had tried to apologise and make amends, I had wanted to but didn’t think I would be able to forgive.
For various reasons we were able to repair our friendship years later and things were good for a while. We were close again and supportive of each other. However, more recently things have become difficult again because I’ve been going through a difficult time, and the things she said to me have been coming back to haunt me and preventing me from being honest and vulnerable in this friendship. To be honest I don’t know what I’m ’allowed to’ say without being accused of self pity. I get the sense that she’s cross with me if I’m down, even though in general I appear upbeat even when inside I’m struggling.
I used to think that what happened was unforgiveable, and then somehow I did manage to forgive (albeit not forget). Now I am unsure. Part of the problem is that I feel I can’t raise it as this also feels like it is not allowed somehow and that this would be seen as guilt tripping.
I think I am a reflective person and open to thinking about my flaws, but obviously the things she said were so horrendous and largely, I believe, untrue. She said that she only said these things to hurt me and that she didn’t mean them. She’s also said that after it happened she immediately forgot what she had said.
Despite all this there are much kinder, nicer sides to the friendship and it is one I don’t think I want to lose as we have so much common ground in other ways.
I am curious if anyone has been in a similar situation.
Thank you for your thoughts!