Some of you might remember I posted a few months ago about dh and the majority of people agreed it was abuse and I decided to leave him. We could go for years without an incident but when they happened they were bad. At the time I felt empowered, couldn’t wait to live without him, moved house, got support from lots of places and I was just so busy sorting my new life I felt fine.
Towards him I remained silent and practised grey rocking him as I found this was the best way to deal with narcissistic people. During the in between stage of moving out, we still lived together and during this time things were calm at home and it really upset me sharing the same bed as him and we started sleeping together again. Then we started hanging out together again and going back to normal and I really wanted him back. I felt I’d made a huge mistake. I always relied on him for everything and was extremely dependent on him so I felt like I couldn’t exist without him. I told him how I felt and he was so angry, he said what I did was inexcusable and he’d reported me to the police for abuse. Me! (I had literally just ignored him) He also lied to me and told me they had ‘re opened’ the case and he won’t get them to close it unless I comply with putting a big debt in my name. By this point I just wanted him back so I did it. I realised later it was a lie but it was too late.
I was made to take accountability for “my” wrongdoings and he said he never wants to be hurt like that again and will never trust another woman again. I apologised over and over and he kept repeating it was too late but ‘breadcrumbed’ me to think he’d come back. He’d tell me he loved me, I started fawning over him, we’d go out for dinner and hang out together, I kept buying him things and making him breakfast in bed and all sorts! Then once we were in our own separate houses, he’d bring his washing over for me to do and that’s when people started to see I was being used. One day I blurted out ‘I’m terrified you’re going to meet someone else and all this will be over’ as by this point we were together every day like old times. He said ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen’ I was so upset. I wanted reassurance.
I was about to tell him how I felt like if he didn’t want any commitment then we shouldn’t carry on like this as I’ll be more hurt if he meets someone else. But then I saw it, on social media he was inviting a young woman over to his new place and it hit me. I was being used and he had no intention of wanting me. He said I’d ruined his Christmas by telling him how hurt I was and doesn’t need confrontation because he’s a single man and I should just let him live his life.
I ended up speaking to the Samaritans this Christmas as it was so hard. I was completely alone and at my lowest point and he didn’t care.
After this he continued pushing me away, as I sent long texts telling him how this was such an over reaction and how I love him and he said no, he has to protect himself. He said he noticed the change as soon as I made new friends and he saw the shift in me then. (Why do men feel threatened by a woman having friends?) I quit my job as I work for him. (As I said I’m totally reliant on him) but then he threatened to not help me with an important job that needs doing this weekend to ensure we get our old deposit back from the previous rental if I quit and also I need the money desperately, so I’ve gone back working for him now until I find something else. I feel like such an idiot. Like this is who he was all along and I don’t understand why I keep longing for him. I have nightmares that he’s met someone else and last night was the worst, I dreamt he had a baby on the way with someone else and I woke up extremely sick and crying. I haven’t stopped crying for months.
Before you say I need to pull myself together, this was 17 years of being completely dependent on this person and being made to feel any upset in the marriage was my fault. I’m grateful to the agencies who helped me leave but now I have left I feel so alone and just want my old life back. We had a lovely big house and great routine and always busy going abroad or on days out. I can’t do any of that now but he’s carrying on as he has a lot more money than me. We also have a dd (14) who has reported his behaviour before and social services were in touch but when they found I was leaving anyway and had got all the help needed, they left me alone and said I’m a star for doing everything I should’ve done considering what had been disclosed to them by dd.
Dh still hasn’t applied for divorce and we haven’t done the financial disclosure yet. The fact he hasn’t applied made me think there was still hope. But I think he was just being lazy.
How do I learn to love myself? How do I stop feeling like I need this man in my life? How do I move on and appreciate what I have instead of longing for him? As I said to him I just don’t recognise myself any more and I realise I’ve been leaning on the wrong person (him!) and it has to stop.