Advice please - mood hoover

[Bartonzam]

Been with DH over 30 years - age gap - 20 years. I'm the only breadwinner - he is approaching 80. No DC. Has health problem (being managed) but recently add cold and conjunctivitis into the mix - started on boxing day. In company / on the phone to his relly's he is fine and cheerful behind closed doors is mainly miserable but says its all in my mind and he is all fine and dandy apart from the reaction my behaviour has on him. I fell like I'm going mad. Its a vicious circle and I'm not sure how to break it. That's the advice I need please? I cannot stop myself getting frustrated by this mood hoover I live with and therefore grumpy with him. I feel like he simply will not make any effort to lighten up / chill out or think about how I might be affected by his behaviour and this upsets me. I feel like he has ruined Christmas and New Year which is already socially curtailed and always has been due to his want to be with just me at what he finds a very difficult time. So am reliant on him being on good form - so am resentful and angry. I do all I can to make his life great - money is not a problem thankfully. Am I being unfair - is it me in the wrong here? How do I crack this one MN's? Be kind please xx

If he stops you or makes you feel bad about socialising with other people that is very controlling and abusive.

No it's not you, it's him. You are in an abusive relationship with him and have been for some considerable time. This all being nice to other people but nasty to you is typical abusive behaviour. He's not above gaslighting you either by saying it's all in your mind. You have never driven him to abuse you, that is an another lie that abusive people come out with. This is all on him.

Controlling you like this is abusive behaviour. His sulkiness/mood hoover behaviour as well is a further example of emotional abuse towards you. Stop with doing all you can to make his life great; he does not reciprocate and additionally you could end up being his carer if you were to stay.

The only way to crack this is by leaving him. Joint counselling is not recommended at all where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Your own recovery from his abuses of you has not started yet. You should have and deserve a life free from being abused. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do reach out to Womens Aid and a local firm of Solicitors who will provide you with legal advice.

Your age difference is not helping. You are at different life stages. (Presumably you are in your 50’s)
He’s at the grumpy old man stage whilst you, presumably, still have lots of energy.

Imagine your future. Do you want to end up being a nurse, harnessed to this unpleasant individual? Ruled by hospital appointments and his desire to sit in his chair all day watching repeats on TV.

If you stay, start carving out a life outside of your relationship which doesn’t include him.
Make new friends, get out more.
Alternatively kick him into touch and move on.
Don’t waste your life. Good luck.

I know what I’d do!

My mother wasted a lot of her life with a man like this. No age gap but my father hated socialising so mum did it by herself through hobbies and separate interests.
I learned towards the end of her life that she hated living with him but there was no way she could leave due to their housing and financial situation after retirement.
Sadly she died before him so never had the chance of improving her life and having some enjoyment from it. He then emigrated and lived alone for another 15 years. I'm sure there will be other similar stories.

You don't need permission to leave if you're unhappy.

What are your options?

Start leading a separate life while living together but still run the risk of him causing background misery or nagging you over things like how much time you spend outside.

Leave him and have control over your own moods, surroundings and socialising.

Carry on being miserable and wait for him to die.

Thanks all for your advice and understanding. Its helped me a lot and I feel more able to take control and decide what to do next.
xx