Anyone else have parents in an unhappy marriage?

[HelloSunshine100]

I honestly do not know what to do. I’m a single parent with a young child. My main support is from my parents who we have a brilliant relationship with. Both of my parents have done so much for us and are lovely people.
The issue is together they are incredibly unhappy. They are in their 70s now but throughout my childhood they have always been unhappy and have never liked each other. When I was younger I really wished they would separate as even as a child I could see the unhappiness between them and knew they shouldn’t be together. There is a lot of resentment, tension snide comments and they are both very unhappy. My mum gets really frustrated with my dad who likely has undiagnosed autism and potential learning difficulties. My mum moans about my dad and i really don’t want to get involved with it and feel like I have to take sides. I feel sad for both of them and want them to be happy. This has been for 30+ years.
They don’t have much money and mum is retired now. We have spoken about them living separately as they are so miserable. The housing situation is really complicated as they don’t own the home so are unable to sell it and part ways. If one of them moved out they would be unable to afford private rent and wouldn’t consider any social or council housing.
as mentioned at the beginning they are very involved in our lives and help out a lot with my little one but it is becoming more obvious how unhappy and toxic they are together. It is getting me really down and I am super aware that my child is going to pick up on this unhealthy atmosphere too and I just don’t know what to do and feel helpless with the whole situation

The priority here is that your child does not have to be exposed to this toxic relationship - it does untold harm - I speak as one who knows, having spent my childhood listening to the bickering and wallowing in the hostile atmosphere. My parents loved me, and I had all the material things they were able to give me, but their relationship was a massive negative influence on the whole of my life - I found it unbearable.

From the fact that you say they have been an enormous help to you I am assuming that they look after your DD for you. I do not think this is a good idea.

You say you feel helpless in the situation and in terms of improving things you are indeed helpless. They are adults making their own choices - you have no control over it all. But you do have control over your own child's exposure to this and therein lies your priority.

The other thing I would suggest is that you do not allow yourself to be the recipient of moans about either party: "Sorry Mum/Dad, I really cannot take sides. This is something you have to sort out for yourself."

I feel your pain. My mum and dad were the same. Lived together for 45 years in abject misery until my dad died. My mum then lived in even more misery until she died 15 years later. It had become her norm. They both became alcoholics and it was horrible to witness.

You have my sympathy.

I’d stop exposing my child to this. I know that won’t be immediate, but it needs to be a Q1 priority. She’ll grow up with this, internalise it and believe this is what a relationship should look like. You don’t want her to repeat this as a blueprint for relationships in her life.

Apart from that, there’s not a huge amount you can do. I wouldn’t be getting involved in the complaining, and I’d close down any attempt by either of them to moan about the other to you. You are their child, they need to save moans about your other parent for their friends or someone else. It’s not appropriate for it to be you.

'My parents loved me, and I had all the material things they were able to give me, but their relationship was a massive negative influence on the whole of my life - I found it unbearable.'

Exactly the same here. My parents are still in a pretty miserable marriage - loads of sniping, resentment, betrayal, lack of respect and affection for each other. It is bloody horrible to be around. My mother used my sister and I as emotional dumping grounds from around the age of 10 - we would have to listen to all my dad's many failings but not let on in front of him that we knew anything. It was emotional abuse, plain and simple, and has massively impacted our relationships with ourselves and with others.

OP, your parents have made a choice to stay in this miserable situation. They are both getting something out of it, however grim and unhealthy. They are not going to suddenly become happier. I know that it's really painful, but their relationship is not your business and you shouldn't be expected to listen to their complaining and offloading. And be very careful what you're exposing your child to in terms of their relationship - growing up around an openly hostile relationship could have long lasting impacts on their own view of relationships

Ive just divorced after a long marriage. The divorce was awful and I crossed boundaries with my Dd for a while. I am now ensuring I don’t do that any more.

I know that when it was happening I was in such a mess that I couldn’t help myself. I needed someone else to know how I didn’t deserve the horrible things my ex was doing.

I think the only choice you have is to tell them that you just can’t listen to this stuff. It will be difficult for them to stop it and so it will take a while.

Everytime one of them starts you could start “offering solutions” Ie leave, get divorced, contact Council etc etc etc. As it’s unlikely they will do any of these things but you can then explain that you won’t/cant listen to them anymore if they won’t do anything to help themselves or change the situation.

They probably need to find an outsider to vent/unburden to. Can you advise them this?

I am currently having NHS CBT therapy to help me get over my abusive marriage. It is helping a lot. You can self refer but it took me 10 months on the waiting list.

I also got referred to my local MIND charity and had some subsidised therapy that cost £25/session.

I think I have come to the conclusion that if I am to stop whining to my Dd, I need someone else (a professional) who can help me overcome this negative trait. It does me no good, and in the long run it’s helpful to everyone.

Best of luck.

Sorry, Don’t know how to edit.

In my last sentence, I meant it is good for everyone if I get help.