In agony - marriage over

[Cheryllou]

Can anyone help me with something to look hopeful for? My husband of 24 years, who I’ve been with since we were 18, has left me. Over the ast year he has been emotionally and physically distant which I put down to the stress of his new job, our daughter leaving for uni and his dad being terminally ill. He dropped the bomb in the summer saying he wasn’t happy and wasn’t coming on holiday which devastated me as I thought we were ok on the whole. He quickly backtracked saying he’d said too much and wanted to work at our marriage - recognising that he hadn’t at all. We then had a steady but distant period where I supported him through his dad dying. Long story short - three times since he has said he can’t make me happy, doubled back and now says he doesn’t want to try as he isn’t in love with me anymore. I’m literally frantic - I can see that I deserve better etc and he’s done this in the past but two affairs, one after we got married, one when our youngest was a baby. He also refuses sex but won’t discuss why. I made peace with this as I believed the rest of our relationship was strong, and of course we had children, I hoped that with some effort and counselling we could be much happier. now I can’t face my life going forwards. My future has been taken from me and all I see is chronic anxiety and misery and loneliness and poverty ahead. I’ve been given antidepressants and sleeping tablets and keep thinking about taking the lot, which I won’t do because of my children but I’m in so much pain. Does this get any better? How do you begin to heal?

I’m so sorry OP. You have to take it one step at a time. The step at the moment might be minute to minute. In a while it will be hour to hour. Then day by day. But life will get better.

OP, there is another woman.

he’s had 2 affairs that you know of and no doubt more since. He loves the latest one. It’ll all come out soon enough.

You don't need him to be happy, you don't. Your hope is whatever you want to do and be now, the entire future is open to you, build a great life with it. Not be harsh but what if he had died? You can live a good life without him.

My husband left for another woman. The pain was real and physical but you will get through it . Just concentrate on looking after yourself and the children. See a solicitor to clarify your financial position and check if you will be entitled to any benefits . At the moment you can’t see any hope for the future but try to focus on the positives and the fact you no longer have to bend over backwards to try and please him. If you have a close family member/friend you can trust share what’s happening. Good luck . You will get there . I came to realise just how unhappy I had been.

You take control back by making him stick to his decision. Tell him it’s final and he can’t change his mind.

It will hurt but you won’t have to deal with him being unsure about you over and over.

I think he’s reading you the script. Personally I would be cold, say it’s final and have him leave today.

You poor thing. He is treating you so badly. There is a good book called ‘women who love too much’ that is very good. Put yourself first this year. Get some therapy.
If you have an Employee Assistance Program at work, counselling is free. You can also use your husbands EAP if you don’t have one. You need support.

What you are describing is not a balanced relationship, you have to change yourself, and stop putting him before you now. Get that book I mentioned above, it’s really good.

I hope you get some good support here too x x

You need to accept sooner rather than later marriage is already dead and plan your future. Do you work? Have savings? If not do both urgently. Life without someone who doesn’t like you is way better than this shell of a life clinging on.

He's blatantly used you as an emotional prop while his father was on his deathbed, and now he's casting you aside. In time-honoured fashion, you need to focus on getting your ducks in a row.

He had two affairs. The writing was on the wall. Sorry OP.

If he refusing sex then he’s probably still having sex elsewhere or has an incurable sti herpes or HIV. You deserve so much better than this life.

You can live with anything except the swinging to and fro. You actually only have one option here which is to tell him to go.

He is no longer the person you want to be with. You want a different version of him than the one who exists now, I'm sorry. This bloke is a grade A nasty man. Yes he is. He's had affairs and looks like he is continuing to do so.

I know it's more complicated. I know it's real life but c'mon... Whatever you want is not this. He's broken the deal. He's smashed it all. And he's pulled you to pieces in the mean time with his bad behaviour. No sex? At 42? No loving intimacy? He may have been ok at one point but he isn't now.

And your kids deserve to see a loving healthy relationship modelled, not this. You mention loneliness. What about peace? What about protecting yourself instead of hurling yourself into all this pain over and over? You're the only person who can look after you, and whether you want to or not, you have to step up and do so. Because he's already made his choice.

Sometimes in life, events come along that rock our world and this is one of them.

Over time, people change and it looks like he has but you haven’t. It is not uncommon for people to split up (50% chance really) but when it happens to you, it hurts like hell.

I’m guessing your life revolved around your kids and him and you had few outside interests? If so, try to change this and build a life that you want going forward.

it sounds like this relationship is over now but that doesn’t mean the end of your life. Lots of people go through this and time really is the only healer. Believe me, this time next year you will feel much more positive.

Good luck !

My 25 year relationship fell apart 5 months ago , I lost everything...I walked away with just my belongings...I won't lie it was very overwhelming and at times I crumbled and needed my friends to support me...you can and will get through this and come out the other side..
Don't keep thinking to far ahead you need to concentrate on the now !! Surround yourself with people who care about you and they'll help you through this.

Oh lovely, the gaslighting in your relationship has completely thrown off your sense of direction.

It sounds like it’s been going on for years.

I know how terribly you’re hurting now, but if you can step away, get space between you, the world will steady again.

Thank you all this is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m actually 52 so it’s a 34 year relationship which on the whole has been very happy. he’s not a cruel person just a person who cannot and will not communicate, doesn’t put any effort into maintaining a relationship then gets sad when it’s not fulfilling enough. I do not recognise the person he has become, then he is kind and loving and I feel ‘home’ again. It’s toxic to coin a phrase. I honestly thought counselling and us both actually focusing on us would have worked but have been blindsided again. Hard to explain fully. I suffer with anxiety anyway so these days are torture right now. I understand I can’t stay in this state forever but struggling to see any other way. Anyway thank you all for kind words and if you are struggling yourself I wish you strength and peace and a happier future x