Please either tell me I'm right or talk some sense into my because DH has convinced me I'm overreacting to want to leave and now I'm doubting myself.
Met DH when we were both studying abroad in country A. We are both from different countries - I'm from the UK. I found a job fairly easily after studying but he was taking longer. I got pregnant and we were very happy.
After DD was born a few cracks began to show. I went back to work after about 8 weeks because he still wasn't working which was really hard for me. We had no family support. I'd come home every day to a huge mess, really bad. I put it down to him caring for a child and tried not to get upset but it was draining, because I was having to work full time, go home several time a day to breastfeed (only lived 5 minutes away luckily so my boss said it was fine) take care of the baby, and clean the house/do everything else.
After DS was born a couple of years later things really started to seem worse. He worked for a couple of years doing a casual job but it wasn't stable and the company folded after a while. He was grumpy every day. I'd work all day then pick up the kids from kindergarten and come home after work - again, to the house an absolute tip. I'd clean up as much as possible. He'd go off out at least 3 nights a week to play football and be actively angry that he couldn't play more often, acting like I was controlling and terrible.
I begged him to just give the house a clean once a week. He wasn't working, but instead of doing any cleaning he'd just make more and more mess! Or even just do a room a day. He never did. Not once. I'd come home on a Friday night just wanting to relax and couldn't because I can't relax in such a mess. Every Saturday I'd have to spend the whole day cleaning, washing clothes, etc. He could easily had done some of this stuff while he was sat at home but never did. I'd have a 1-day weekend and of course, 75% of the time there was a very important football game on that day so I'd have to be alone with the kids while he swanned off to football. If I ever managed to convince him to take the kids on a day out with me instead, he'd be in such a foul mood and so grumpy that it would be a nightmare. Felt publicly humiliated almost every time because of his behaviour. Just really grumpy and angry.
About 3 years after my son was born I decided to start socialising again for the sake of my mental health. I'd always been really social before kids. Every 2 months or so I'd go on a night out and he'd bombard me with phone calls throughout the night, if i didn't answer calling my friends instead, telling me that he couldn't sleep or one of the kids couldn't sleep because I wasn't there. If I stayed home to watch a movie at the weekend, he'd nag and criticise me for just sitting on the sofa, even though it was the only down time I'd had all week!
We never do things together. He just stares at his phone all the time. If I want to talk to him, I have to say his name about 6 times (no exaggeration) before he even looks up from the phone. We have nothing in common - nothing. No shared interests. I don't know how we didn't notice before. I guess at the beginning we were both swept up in being in this new country and exploring together and being so excited by it all that we never really noticed that we have nothing in common at all. We argue a lot. He's been physically violent to me on at least 3 occasions, which I keep telling myself that over a period of 7 years isn't really that bad but then I think - if this was my friend telling me this about her partner, I'd say "even once is bad enough".
He doesn't support me at all. Last time I had to go to hospital for a test and I was really scared and he was just really cold and cruel to me and started a big fight for no reason. If I'm sick he suddenly pretends he's sick too so can't possibly do any extras to help out. Putting on a sick voice which miraculously disappears when his mate phones him. Whenever there is any problem I have to solve it by myself. At this point he doesn't even pretend to think about it, just leaves me to deal with absolutely everything.
For a long time, I've felt I'm not happy. We don't laugh together, ever. I used to laugh all the time. I don't laugh since I've met him. When we do stuff together with the kids he's always bored and grumpy. He doesn't ever want to do stuff for the kids. He's never ever planned a day out for us that isn't "come and sit at the side of the football pitch and watch me play football" which he claims the kids LOVE despite the fact that they really, really don't. If I have to go out early for some reason, like a work event, I'll come home and the kids will be still in their pyjamas, teeth unbrushed, watching TV.
He also makes no effort to find a job yet blames his bad attitude on his lack of a job. I find myself doubting my feelings because sometimes he does things, like he might take one of the kids for a vaccine or, say, a dentist appointment when I'm at work. And then I think, isn't that the bare minimum that he could do? I of course would have to keep track of dates and book appointments and pay for everything, but then I feel pathetically grateful like he's dad of the year for just taking them along.
So, what do you think?
PS: I KNOW he won't ever change. He has said he will, many times, and never lasted longer than 3 days. So it's basically stay with everything like it is, or LTB.