What shall I do?

[Nicewoman]

I’ve known a guy for 6 years, we were work colleagues who socialised outside work & instantly clicked. Good friends. Then we changed jobs & he went abroad, his job means he travels countries. He’s been messaging me every day since then, sometimes asking favours from me, other times just banter. We share a hobby we’re both passionate about which is a glue to our friendship. Originally I really fancied him as he was flirty with me, but nothing came of it. I dithered too much & he moved on. So we’ve been chatting every day, he’s the one who always contacts me, he asks my advice on things & trusts me. Then just now when we were chatting he announces he has 2 kids aged 4 and 2 with different women, & he’s now dating another women who knows about his kids. We are both early 40s.

This revelation came out in a drunken Christmas chat. I was gobsmacked, shocked, that he couldn’t tell me this fact when we chat every day & I thought we were good mates. I asked him before if he had kids which he denied. I then tore him off a strip, why didn’t he tell me, accused him of being a liar. He said not many knew & he’s private, he does trust me. I also suggested to meet up since we left it 6 years (I’ve been busy with my career) & because he felt I insulted him, he’s avoiding meeting up, even though last month he suggested meeting up and I’m always giving him the brush off about meeting up.

It feels the friendship suffered: what do I do? Is it worth carrying on if he doesn’t tell me stuff that normal close friends would tell each other? Am I over-reacting as we had this thing before, & I hoped something would come of it like kids or we’d end up together as we have unfinished business. I’m single, no kids, put my career first, he churns his way through relationships.

He clearly wants the friendship more than me, but then again, he’s getting more out of the friendship than me.

any ideas what to do? Terminate the friendship? Carry on? When I was younger & got rejected by a guy, at that point of finding out it was going nowhere, I’d cut the guy out of my life & move on. But now I’ve built up a solid friendship over years with this guy, seems silly to throw it away. And my guy friend probably feels the same, we’re good friends.

What do you want out of it? Friendship or more one day?

Seems pointless to me.

It sounds a bit muddled really- are you friends or do you want more? If you're friends and he didn't mention all these kids he has that's weird. Romantically it seems non existent if you've not seen him in years, sorry. If you're looking for a partner I'd be looking elsewhere.

x post!

Sounds like you wanted more and are furious he has 2 very young children and is seeing someone. Also sounds like this relationship played up over text messages, so he was able to portray himself as a single eligible bachelor and you got your hopes up. I would block and move on

Well, friendship, but if he doesn’t want to tell me what’s going on in his personal life, what’s the point? He does tell me everything going on with his career, holidays, health, social life, parents, extended family etc, just that his partner & kids are off-topic convos.

Yes it does seem rather pointless then.

Exactly right hedgehogs! Years ago, when nothing materialised I moved on and dated other guys.

You answered your own question
any ideas what to do? Terminate the friendship

I'd take it that the children are not a big part of his life. He's lied about their existence. I wouldn't be interested in a man who did that.

Not Really. 6 years ago when nothing happened between us, I accepted it at that point. He moved on and got a gf and I dated other guys. I was just pissed we’ve been having all these daily chats and calls & he didn’t mention he had kids. He was saying come and visit him, but I’m on peanut pay and couldn’t afford to pay for flights/hotels to visit him abroad, so always turned him down. He was begging for me to come out and visit him. I guess I had a rosy view we would somehow end up together.

He never married the 2 different women he had kids with. Also, since his youngest is 2 and he’s already in a relationship with a 3rd woman, he burns his way through relationships. He doesn’t see his kids much at all, but gives the mothers money.

So if he said "sorry, I've always wanted to have a relationship with you.." what would your answer be?

I feel it's like a friendship where you'd maybe love to be closer and be partners life, hence the feeling of betrayal.

If not of the above resonates then I'd simply phase out the chats and let him be.

How about he's enjoyed having you as an admirer/follower/sounding board but never really took you on board as a person?

Close friends, invited you out knowing you couldn't afford it? If he wanted your company he'd have paid the travel costs.

You've been a convenient fan.

Yes, if he said now he wanted a relationship I’d say yes. When it first came up years ago when we worked together, I turned him down. He moved on.

He's been asking you for advice, favours, enjoying your attention and availability, but not sharing key info about his life - would you consider that a solid friendship with a female friend? It doesn't at all sound like he's hoping you end up together I'm afraid, I think you're wasting your time. He's perhaps a pleasant fantasy for you but that's stopping you being fully present and available in your real life.

But you'd still want him as a partner?

Well, he wasn’t earning that much. Also, he was halfway across the world, not a quick hop to Europe. Also, at that time I had a better paid job, so he assumed I could pay my own way (like mates do). I wouldn’t have expected him to pay for me to visit him.

I wouldn’t do anything.

He’s deceitful and he doesn’t see his kids.

He flits from one relationship to another.

It sounds like you would easily fall into the he would be different with me category.

Ironically enough, he tells me his biggest despairs and advice about all other aspects of his life. He’s just prickly about his kids.

You’re absolutely right, I wouldn’t tolerate this from a female friend.

I’m not under any illusion we would end up together, I accepted that years ago.

But yeh, to answer your question if he offered it again, I’d accept it in some non-realistic fantasy I’d have, but that will never happen. But you are absolutely right.

He’s not stopping me get on with my life. I’ve dated other guys since knowing him and I’m happy with my life and how it’s going on.

I don’t know what exactly went on with mother #1 and mother #2 and why those relationships didn’t work out, or even if that’s exactly what he and the mothers wanted. He’s rich and good-looking, although when I knew him, he wasn’t that rich. He said he always wanted kids. Some women want to raise kids by themselves. He does see the kids sometimes and pays money to the women to bring up his kids. He’s not good with child-rearing as his own dad disappeared when he was young. I think screaming kids and dirty nappies and he bolted, not his hipster style.