Another miserable christmas with dp...not bad enough to leave but too bad to stay?!

[Poiuytrewq123]

Dp of 7 years, 3 kids (2 mine from previous relationship, 14 and 11 and one together, 3). He isn't abusive, he's overall a good person, which is why this is so hard.
We just aren't happy, and it always seems worse at Christmas...probably because we have to spend time together.
According to him I'm always miserable and make no effort with him, but the reason I'm like this is because he himself is always miserable. I'm sometimes not overly chatty with him, partly because he's not the happiest person anyway and partly because at the end of a long day after work ect sometimes I just need to decompress.
He often disappears off out for hours on end, claiming that it's because it makes no difference to me whether he's there or not. He did this Christmas night aswell, told me he was going out for a cigarette and ended up being out for 3 hours. On coming back he told me he'd just gone for a walk (his car was still at home).
I could go on and on about what makes me unhappy this is just one example.
I guess my question is, should I stay for the kids? I actually worry more about how it would affect my older children with them being that much older, than our 3 year old although it would be an enormous upheaval for her too. Just to say I'm absolutely not saying I'm perfect in all this either! I obviously make him unhappy too. That's not the purpose of the thread to establish who is right and wrong, it's more my above question of staying for the kids or not.

I doubt he was walking for 3 hours on Christmas day. Sounds like he resents being with you and has his eyes and dick elsewhere... Sorry op.

In short - no, do not stay for the kids. They will not thank you for having to live in a miserable environment with two parents who clearly are not happy and do not love each other (because despite what you think, they will pick up on this) and may well later just say why didn't you split if you were not happy as we knew you weren't. Aside from this, you deserve happiness as well, life is too short to go through it not happy fundamentally (of course there's always going to be ups and downs). I am not saying just do it with no thought but also this can model to your children that being happy for yourself is important and - hopefully - what a happy, loving relationship (or being content and happy single - equally absolutely okay!) looks like.

What's the point of being unhappy?

The kids will be fine as long they have you

Sounds bloody miserable. There’s literally nothing positive to stay for. Do your kids a favour and leave. They’ll resent you in the future if you continue to stay in this toxic miserable life.

Thanks for your replies. My worry was that they'd resent me for ending things but it seems it's actually more like the other way round

Yep. I'm another one whose parents stayed together "for the kids", and I really wish they hadn't.

I shouldn't feel guilty that my Mum spent a fifth of her life miserable, but I do.

I wish my parents had split when I was a kid. They'd both have been happier in the long run. Mum stayed because of the financial strain and she was scared of starting afresh. He just stayed because he was getting his dinner made and Washington done etc. He still had a social life. She didn't. It didn't benefit us kids at all to see them argue.

I think you should leave. Good luck OP

Do not stay for the sake of the kids. Whose sake would you be staying for because it’s not really theirs, more like your own. It’s not easier for you to stay with someone like him.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not the relationship model they should be seeing. Better to be on your own then to be so badly accompanied.

I am not saying just do it with no thought but also this can model to your children that being happy for yourself is important and - hopefully - what a happy, loving relationship (or being content and happy single - equally absolutely okay!) looks like.

This. What your children are seeing now is what will be normal to them in their own relationships and I doubt you'd want that for them.

You deserve to be happy, you only get one life, don't waste it with a man who blames you for his behaviour.

According to him I'm always miserable and make no effort with him, but the reason I'm like this is because he himself is always miserable.

So you accept you are always miserable and make no effort with him?

Sounds like a vicious cycle. With children and a blended family in the mix, couples counselling is a must before calling an end to it.

Turns out marriages require work.

Absolutely it is a vicious cycle, and like I said I'm not blameless in it either, it's both of us. I don't know if we could afford couples counselling tbh, or if he'd even consider it, or even if it's gone beyond that.

OP, just be mindful the standard advice on Mumsnet is to chuck the bustard out. Do you like reading? If you do I would recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Alternatively Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons. Both books available on Amazon for about a tenner each

Further to the earlier message... you wouldn't need your partner's cooperation to start implementing the changes. Most people respond well to positive overtures. Cheaper than counselling

What's your financial position do you own the house, both on the mortgage? Can you afford it on your own if not can you rent?

The simplest question is should you split and the answer in your case I would say is yes. The harder question is where would you live do you have support etc, family you can stay with until the house is sold and new accommodation found?

Ha ha ha! 😂😂😂 However much couples counselling costs, rest assured divorce is far, far more expensive.

She does not appear to be married to him. Ops original question was whether she should stay with him for the sake of the children.

and does anyone really think that such a man would even entertain the idea of counselling?.

Yes you're right, sorry they're not married.

In that case don't bother trying to save things, just fuck him off OP 👍👍👍

You both sound stuck in this toxic dynamic which is really sad. Have you spoken to him about it and both tried to implement some positive changes? As a PP mentioned, I'd seriously consider couples counselling to try and break out of this rut before jacking it all in, especially as you admit to being as bad as each other.

I have re-read your post. Staying for the sake of the kids is as good a reason as any. I remember telling my husband I wanted as divorce when our children were 14 and 11. I thought the 14 year old would take it badly however they were quite indifferent on the outside. Probably had seen too many arguments already and resigned themselves to the inevitable. It's the 11 year old who started crying. I never thought they would react this way. I called the divorce off. Things between my husband and me were quite difficult for the next 2-3 years. So many financial pressures as well as work, housework, the usual. It's much better now as children are older. They are more expensive but more independent which makes our lives so much easier. I can't tell whether you should stay or leave. What I can tell you is that you are the only person who can turn the family dynamics about. Men are clueless in relationships matters. As an example, weddings and funerals are always organised by women. If your partner is an otherwise a good man I suggest you try improving things from your end before taking drastic measures. One of the books I recommended earlier has a list of "50 things women do to insult a man without trying ". (Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It). The book is written by a male-female team of family therapists so both perspectives given. Maybe you could start by looking at the list and try to do less of the things that drive an average male crazy. I hope it helps