Worried sick about my friend and don't know how to help her

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

When she got married her husband said he wanted her to be at home, this is something they both agreed.

After a year of doing nothing but housework or shopping and ttc she became pregnant but then she had a miscarriage, quite late on too. She was utterly devestated but took her grief as positive and decided to do an MA course.

She's been doing really well with it but recently when we have spoken she has worried me. She only has to go into uni twice a week and otherwise works at home and she has said she opens a bottle of wine at 2pm 'to make the housework bearable'.

I know the exact feeling of feeling like all you are is a mother and wife, and the treadmill that is housework but plough on, I wondered if something else was going on.

I spoke to her just now and she sounded really odd. She laughed and said her DH had lots of coke left over from the weekend and she thought it would be fun to take it. She then admitted she's been having bits during the day all week. She claimed it has helped her focus on her uni work and on the house, and she didn't listen to a thing I said.

I know she wouldn't when so fucked up, so I need to speak to her when she's sober, but will she listen? Is it any of my business?

Gah I don't know what I can do, she's so far away I can't just go rescue her.

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Oh, bless her.

My mum did her health visitor practice in a very wealthy area where lots of women could afford to give up work on marriage. She said that the levels of depression and alcolholism were far, far worse than the very deprived area she normally worked in.

I think that it's great that your friend has a good friend who clearly cares about her a great deal. Is there any way on earth that you could arrnage to see her soon? Other than that all I can suggest is that for the foreseeable future you call her weekly to see how she's doing and also encourage her to seek counselling as soon as possible.

All the best to the two of you.

Patsy

Oh, and yes, I think it is very much your business.

Thanks PC

I will try to visit her as soon as I can, it's hard though with my two DC and DH working away all the time.

It's not the drink that has bothered me so much, though I know thats bad, it's the drugs.
What is she thinking?

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I think she's probably trying her best not to think at all. I can understand your concern re the drugs - a good friend of mine had a pretty heavy drink intake but managed to hold down a full-time job for years. However, she found herself a partner who was into coke and the pair of them ended up in a terrible state. The real problems came when she lost her job and suddenly had far too much time on her hands.

Sorry to be such a doom merchant. She is getting better now!

It's so frustrating to be aware of a friend's problems but be unable to see her easily. I had this with the friend I mentioned - my very sick DD2 put paid to my normal freedoms at the time when my friend needed me most.

However, I think regular contact with your friend - by whatever means you can manage it - will mean a lot to her in the long run.

Patsy

I'm not surprised she's bored out of her mind. Giving up work when you don't have kids to look after is bizarre, what on earth are you supposed to do all day?
I don't think it's a biggie whether it's alcohol or drugs, the fact is she's bored, probably lonely and quite possibly depressed. Her 'failure' to have a baby (probaby they were planning on it happening much sooner?) might be playing on her mind as well.
I don't know whether you can get her down to visit you? Or go and see her. Don't tackle it in terms of 'I think you have a drinking/drugs problem' but more in terms of helping her to think about fulfilling things she might do to fill her time and get her out there with other people during the day. God, if my only 'job' was keeping the house clean until I conceived, and I was struggling to conceive, I'd be frantic and definitely depressed. Poor girl.