She is getting to me

[Aprilshow]

A woman I met at a running club latched onto me years ago. I only hear off her when things go ready bad for her. She doesn’t have a good word to say about people and always moans about them. She is 45 and lives alone.

Recently she keeps messaging me saying she is scared about the world and having sleepless nights. I told her to not worry and switch off. After about the 8th time in days I asked if she had seen a GP or a counsellor as it was clearly affecting her and she said no and she doesn’t need to.

She mentioned it again a few days ago and I said I don’t care about the world or news. I said I read the news but don’t let it take over my life and the newspapers want to make money and she said no they don’t.

Now she has sent me a rant about it after a week saying how dare I recommend professional help. I sent one back saying I was looking out for her and her negative messages are not positive for me either.

I am fed up of negative people and want next year to be different. I don’t think I can handle anymore of her negativity and ungratefulness, she just uses me to vent her problems. I am a supportive friend but she throws back in my face most of the time my sympathetic words or tries to disagree. She doesn’t get on with her parents, sister and sister’s husband’s family either. She always falls out with friends and those friendships end. I am sick of being unappreciated. How can I get rid of her?

The thing is, we get these messages about being kind when it comes to other people’s mental health.
And if you are struggling, the advice is to reach out and talk to someone.
The reality is very, very different.
This lady is now at a level that she needs professional help and you can’t provide it. She’s clearly alienating people around her, too, which is very sad.
For her, she’s got herself into a very bad headspace and is shooting the messenger. She is in a place where you, your health and own wellbeing are of no consequence to her.
I know people say ‘just block her’ and you are a caring person who would find it difficult. But I think a conversation where you tell her you can’t provide any more help would be the best thing to do.
However, if that feels too much, message her and tell her it’s too much for you, and you need a break.
You are not a doctor, you don’t have the skills to deal with this, and it’s not fair on you.
Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done your best, but she’s at the stage where she is abusing you and you have to step away.

You block and ignore.

You cannot help her. Only she can help herself.

Don't feel guilty about it either.

There's a reason she's fallen out with everyone else in her life. You will not be the last person she falls out with. She will latch onto someone else soon enough, I can assure you.

Reply 'thank you for sharing'

She is misinterpreting your messages about caring for her. As PP has pointed out, this is beyond you now

Ok, so about 15 years ago someone sent me exactly the message you sent her. And it was horrific to receive. I felt that at a time of personal crisis one of the i felt understood me was in fact absolutely nowhere near to me.
I dropped her pretty fast.
With years and hindsight (i was only in my early 20s at the time, she was in her 30s) I can see that I had overstepped the mark with her and was an immature pain in the arse. I also see that I considered her a much better friend than she considered me - totally my error of judgement. But she had given me no sign that she didn't also want to pursue a close friendship.
In my case, a much kinder thing for her to do would have been to just ignore my messages and make excuses when I suggested meet ups. Basically admitting "I'm not willing to listen to your concerns" is very hard to take. A slow ghosting is far kinder when someone is in a bad place already.
In your case: from your post it sounds like you've given out mixed messages. You say she's latched on to you - but how have you let that happen. Why did you swap numbers with or meet up with someone you didn't feel a connection with? Why have you encouraged her interest in a friendship with you?
Anyway, you've said the thing now and she's probably cross. But the kindest thing you can do both for yourself (because obvs you don't need this negative energy in your life) and for her is to just drift away gently.

FWIW, I don't think being frightened about the high likelihood of global conflict in the next 20 years is naive at all - but I agree she does need professional support if that fear is affecting her daily life.

The end of your post hints at something wider going on for you than this friendship though. You say that you're "sick of being under appreciated". What do you mean by that?

Text -

Bye Felicia!

Then block and never talk to her again.

Who needs emotional vampires like her?!

Block and ignore.

Like earlier poster said, we are encouraged to reach out, but it doesn't always work out - she is clearly reaching to the wrong person for this. The problem is also that mental health problems often involve a reduction in levels of insight, so reading others and their reactions is impaired as is awareness of our own behaviour and how it may be received. Your advice is sound. She is feeling low and clearly hurt, but recommending professional help in a kind way sounds like it was the right thing to do. She may realise that later - she may not.

It doesn’t seem she’s reaching out to receive any help. She just wants to spread her negativity onto OP which is draining.

OP has tried to support her and has offered advice but her friend will never listen so she has to go.

Just block. Done.

Yeah, I have tried my best but to keep dumping her issues on me and not resolving them is not on. I am always a good ear to friends but she doesn’t want to solve her problems. To the fact that this recent issue is inducing an anxiety disorder in her I don’t feel qualified enough to give that type of emotional support to her irrational mind. If I did not suggest professional support and she did something to herself then again she would blame me and say why did I not say anything.

She has annoyed me. She says counselling is for weak and vulnerable people. I told her I find that judgy and insulting. What’s wrong with someone who had something traumatic happen out of their control talking to a counsellor?

Sounds like it’s not without reason that she falls out with everyone in her life..

Id block her and be done with it.

Stop engaging with her .
You are sending mixed messages

Yes mute her or block. Sounds quite draining you can do no more op. No more replies as that starts it off.. hope u ok.

You recommended a counsellor who basically listens to their client’s concerns and steers them towards useful ways of dealing with them. That is what she’d been expecting from you over and over again so it seems it’s not the professional help she objects to only paying for it.

You sound kind and patient but I think it’s time to shut her down every time she starts complaining. She obviously feels entitled to dump on you regardless of how it makes you feel so just say someone is at the door, another call coming in, something boiling over on the hob, anything immediate to end the call.