Birthday Disappointment

[whatshername24]

Please help me think of a way to enjoy my birthday for myself. Aside from that, could you stay with someone who doesn’t show you any appreciation on special occasions?

I always had rubbish birthdays as a child, usually because my mum would find a reason to cause a scene. Highlights included having a massive go at me and silent treatment for not wanting to wait for a picture to blow my candles out when I was about 11/12 and leaving me on my 18th at a hotel party night she insisted she wanted me to have, because I was enjoying some time with my dad who lived in a far away town and I didn’t see much and didn’t want to have lots of photos with her. I had to go back with my dad in a taxi and get the bus back home the next day still in the same clothes.

Because of this, I always have a stupid irrational ‘wish’ that birthdays might be good one day. Last year I was 30 and my dad forgot so didn’t even wish me a happy birthday.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and DH as usual, has made very little effort and it’s starting to get to me. It’s the same with any other occasion e.g. Christmas. I know lots of people don’t place value on birthdays which is great for them, sometimes I wish I could be more like that!
I’d just love however, to be made a fuss of for one day, have someone surprise me with something I’d like. Whenever there’s an occasion with his friends however, he’s straight there 100% involved and doing whatever needs to be done.

He went to get DD some milk from the supermarket the other day so came home with a cheap iced child’s cake for my cake, which I can’t get away with.
As of yesterday evening, he hadn’t got me a present and this evening he’s admitted he hasn’t even wrote my card out yet. He’s complained about the timing of my birthday as if it changes every year to surprise him or I planned being born myself! He makes every excuse such as me being too difficult to buy for or he needs me to tell him what I would like.

He can’t think of anything to get me aside from face value obvious things like makeup or perfume he says. Late last night he discovered I needed some moisturiser so said he’d just get me that for my birthday but that ended up with me just ordering it myself so he could use my points card and it won’t be here until next week.
He did however make a big show about how he’s planned a day out for us tomorrow. Despite bad weather warnings, he’s told me he’s planned to drive us a bit further afield to walk the dogs somewhere I’ve wanted to go to take in the views (I wanted to go on a clear Autumn day but I digress). I’ve just checked their website and they’re closed tomorrow due to the weather forecast which he apparently didn’t know, so now, no plans. These plans also didn’t involve our children so he was wanting me to spend the whole day away from them when I wouldn’t want to do that.

Christmases etc are always the same - I have to give him exact instructions of what I’d want and he will often then just buy it whilst I’m there so I have no surprises or any thought into things.

I hope this doesn’t come across as ungrateful or rude - I don’t demand or want huge extravagant gestures or expensive material things, just a little something to show some thought as the way things are, just don’t make me feel cared about at all. Everything feels like a last minute inconvenience without any thought.

He doesn't sound like he's being much of a life partner.

But the best advice i can give you is to not rely on other people to give you the birthday you want - plan what you want to do, invite the people you want there and make it happen yourself.

What's your financial situation like OP? Do you work? This is a long term problem and I'd think long term tbh - he's not going to change. Get yourself in a position where you can leave him.

And get yourself to some long term therapy to work on childhood issues so you can truly realise that you don't deserve this treatment.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, that was really kind. I definitely want to look into some therapy of sorts in the new year, even just to address childhood and what it’s left me with. Think I just need to start relying on myself and doing things I would want. I’ve been very naive in that things have surely got to change, but clearly not!
I do work full time, I have a new job to start in the new year.

The day started off with my mum coming with cards and a bottle which she posted through the door and left on the doorstep respectively rather than see me. I would have loved being woken up with a breakfast in bed by the children so they could climb in and probably steal most of it (!) but he said he’d take me to McDonalds for a breakfast on the way past if I wanted.

He’d gone and got a replacement cake yesterday which he wrapped up as a present thinking he was funny, but no candles etc, so no getting the children to sing to me. It’s those little things that I love when they’re little.

He’d also clearly panicked and bought a few things yesterday as he got me a giant black notebook for my new job, a gift voucher for eyebrow threading at Superdrug and a Pandora charm with ‘fur mum’ on it, rather than even just a charm from my actual children or to commemorate that I’m a mum to humans. I hope that doesn’t come across as ungrateful - I love small, inexpensive and sentimental things around the children. Even just a framed print or photo of them or a keyring would be amazing.

DH insisted it was too late to change plans so we’d do the walk still. At this point I’d lost all fight and just wanted to do ‘something’, anything (!) so went along with it. DH decided he wasn’t going up the actual bit with the views once we got there as he was worried about the weather so I got soaked to the bone for not a lot really; at least the dogs enjoyed themselves.

He then announced we’d go to a bakery/cafe I showed him once as they do a specific sandwich I liked the look of but we’d have to go to a small branch of theirs because of the dogs. I hadn’t planned for this so didn’t have any spare clothes, I was just planning on coming home, showering and changing. They didn’t have ingredients in to make the sandwich nor any hot chocolate to warm up with so I’d gave up on the day going well by then 🙈.

He insisted all day I’m just too difficult to please and he tried, he just can’t control the weather. He insists he didn’t know the weather was going to be so bad and only knowing last night, when I pointed it out after he told me the plans, was too late to plan anything else. All day he’s also said it’s too late to try and sort a meal anywhere to salvage the day and that he’s not hungry anyway because he stuffed himself at the bakery.
He has now half heartedly offered to go and pick up something from a shop after hearing me joke to DS that I was going to M&S and we’d have some party food together.

Think I’m going to curl up with a small glass of something fizzy later and read a book once the children are in bed.