Help with overwhelming Christmas emotions

[Jackdog39]

Hello, I’m looking for help in navigating the maelstrom of emotions that is Christmas.
I am happily married with 2 adult sons (20 and 23) that I think the world of. Anytime I spend longer than a weekend with my eldest son we part on bad terms.
My youngest son is at university so spends a lot of time back home and we generally all enjoy living together. My eldest son works full time and lives with his girlfriend, he comes home for birthday celebrations and Christmas but always with his girlfriend, I cannot think of a single day he has seen us without his girlfriend in tow for 3 years. I like her but I don’t understand why they can’t be apart occasionally or why she can’t see her own family. There are obviously problems with her family relationships but nobody wants to discuss it and I don’t want to push it. Whilst they have been staying they have done absolutely nothing, I’ve done their laundry, cooked, cleaned, ironed and even mended clothes. I put my son on the car insurance because they wanted to explore but they’ve done nothing but drive to local coffee shops then come home and sit on the sofa. I had a disagreement this evening over something trivial with my son and he has stormed out with his girlfriend. I think they are in a hotel.
I feel like a run a hotel, like a maid and totally unappreciated. I don’t think I’ve seen him to talk to since he arrived. Is this how it is for most people? I feel disappointed and don’t want to repeat this again.
Thinking of doing something different next year like flying to Barbados.
Please be kind because I am terribly upset by it all.
We always had a tempestuous relationship but were a happy family.

Whilst they have been staying they have done absolutely nothing, I’ve done their laundry, cooked, cleaned, ironed and even mended clothes.

How does this actually happen. Do you offer and they accept. Do they hold a gun to your head and insist you do all this?

p.s. I think your objection to the GF is misplaced. The thing that is going wrong is your relationship with your DS.

You need to explain to him how you feel

Bless you OP .
I am afraid you have to realise he comes in a twosome now .
For the sake of family harmony, you have to
put up with it, nothing is going to change . I am so sorry. Next Christmas go to Barbados and let them fend for themselves is my advice .

Your son’s girlfriend is his family now too. It would be odd to expect him to celebrate birthdays and Christmas without her.

How are you doing so much laundry for them - didn’t they bring enough clothes?

"I’ve done their laundry, cooked, cleaned, ironed and even mended clothes."
Why? They can help with cooking, laundry, and cleaning. You iron and mend their clothes? It makes no sense. It's your choice.

You could invite your son for a lunch now and then without the girlfriend. Quite simple.

You need to do things different. And maybe a holiday is what you all need to enjoy next Christmas.

You don't mention your husband here, how does he get on with your son and does he support you when you and your son argue? I can't think how you get involved in doing everything for your son and girlfriend. Why not leave them to it, they are capable of doing their own washing and ironing and sharing the cooking whilst staying with you. You need to make it very clear what your expectations are next time they stay.

It is perfectly normal for your son to want to be with his girlfriend at Christmas. Just stop offering to wash and mend their clothes, put them on car insurance etc.... that's ridiculous.
But, at 23 with a partner, your son doesn't live with you any more and he has different priorities. Both of you need to understand that this is now a different relationship, between adults. So, yes, he needs to stop behaving like a spoilt child, but you also need to stop being a smothering "mummy".

He’s a two, let that go. The relationship has never been great so it’s not suddenly going to fix itself. Does gf feel comfortable finding cleaning products and cleaning your house? In my early 20s I’d have felt super awkward doing that, and if I was only there a few days I’d save my laundry - are you offering to do all these things? I wouldn’t want to step in and takeover someone’s kitchen over Christmas either unless I was sure that would be appreciated. Are you sure ds isn’t telling her not to do things? Did your ds do these things before he moved out? I think all you can do is talk to him but also if he only comes back 2 days at a time just stop doing his laundry in that time and let the cooking go. Try have a visit without arguments. I don’t think you can criticise them for going out for a coffee either.

Thank you for your replies, this is all helping me and stopping me from screaming into the void.
The laundry is just dumped in the sink in the laundry room, the towels are relentless.
I am happy to welcome his girlfriend into the family, I think she and my son are happy together but it's such a one way street. She's been here 9 days and they spent barely an afternoon with her family.
You're right though, I need to say no to all the chores.
It has really spoiled Christmas for me and my husband and I really don't want to repeat this again.
I probably need to have a straightforward conversation with my son about all our expectations.
Rather ridiculously after walking our dogs this afternoon I saw one of my son's old school friends having a chat and a glass of wine with his mum in the pub. I'm sure if I'd told my son I'd like that too he would have agreed. Perhaps we are expecting one another to read each other's minds. Bit silly really.

I think the problem is your don is there but he's not connecting with you or being nice or caring.
I think you feel used and like it's a B&B!
I think you need to sit down with your son and say you want to see him and sins happy, fun, caring times together sad as a family sad build your relationship. Dee if he can think of any way to do this. Eg coffee out together, walks together, cook together. Say he can do his washing as you have too much to do and are tired.

Yes, you need to have a talk. You won't do laundry and cook all meals in future. They are adults. Leave it to them.

9 days stay? Might be too long. Are they living very far from you? I would lower the days.

I wouldn't discuss gf. Lot of my friends don't see a lot of their young adult sons because of gf and gf's family. You might loose him if she isn't welcomed.

Invite son for lunch, pub or a coffee - do nice things together. Let him know you enjoy spending time with him.

NINE days! The number one rule of happy hosting is don’t have guests for that long.

Have you invited them to the pub or suggested doing anything? With them being so young they may not have a lot of money to do things. Alternatively, just sitting on the sofa might be what they enjoy doing in their free time. Not everybody wants to be out and about.

Also let your son and his girlfriend know they can use the washing machine or ask them to run the hoover round. I wouldn’t assume I could do these things in other peoples’ homes.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, it has been helpful. I agree that we were hosting for too long, I wish we had agreed to have them for just a few days. I also appreciate that often adult children revert back to teenagers when they visit home. I know I was guilty of this when I was in my early twenties.

I think an honest conversation is needed about what we all would like from visits in future. All I really want is some one on one time with my son. He doesn’t know this because I haven’t told him, so I shouldn’t be surprised that it hasn’t happened.

I think I will let the dust settle a little and then hopefully start a conversation in the new year and suggest meeting up for lunch or coffee on our own.

Thanks everyone.

Op I totally get how you are feeling.

I have adult dds roughly the same age as your boys and I totally get it.

It is a difficult transition when their other half is always present.

They are an alliance together which is fine and normal - but somehow because their first loyalties are now to each other and not to you - you feel on the outside of it and possibly a bit judged and excluded as well.

Your child doesn’t just see you through their own relationship with you, they see you through their partners eyes too.

It does take some getting used to.

And to add to this, he is just taking and taking and not making an effort to reciprocate or connect with you. They can be rather selfish at this age.

It sounds as if your relationship with your eldest ds was a bit explosive to begin with. Can you expand on that a bit?

And what was your disagreement about this holiday?

You don’t need to go in to details here but what is the main issue? Does he see you as over-controlling? Or do you see him as just taking and not helping enough? What would your son say about you? Is it that you are not accepting of his gf? Because it doesn’t come across that you like her much.

The key to all of this is communication, way in advance of the next holiday.

First of all, I know they are here for Christmas, but I would want to know why he and his gf as 23 year olds, want to come to your house for nine days just to sit on your sofa? It sounds a bit strange to me! Do they not have friends or want to go out?

Are they very short of money? Can you help them with that if so?

Secondly, no way should you be doing everyone’s cooking and cleaning and laundry.

I haven’t been doing my DDs’ laundry since they were fourteen years old!

You need to explain to everyone that you are now all adults sharing the same space and that they are welcome to come home at any time but they need to contribute to the shopping, cooking and cleaning as you are not running a b & b!

You need to manage it a bit and give instructions. Give the boys a shopping list and send them to the supermarket, Then sit down and prepare all the veg together. Put on music and have a glass of wine and do all the food prep together. Same with washing up and dog walking.

You and your dh should go out too and have a day out together and say to your adult dc that you would like them to be responsible for cooking dinner that night,

Ask his girlfriend, would you mind washing this pile of towels for me please, just pop them in the dryer and fold them when they are finished? They live in the airing cupboard, thank you so much.

Most people like to help! Ask them what they like to do or are good at?

I have a suggestion for you op. It’s expensive, but if you can save up about £2500 over the course of next year by putting away a bit a month, you could all go and stay in an air b&b together next year for say four or five days. That way you are all on holiday together and you can rid yourself of that “me host, you guest” dynamic. We did it one year and it was great! You and your dh would get a break too! And the time would be cut in half! Go somewhere with nice walks and pubs in the area. Better short and sweet than long and rocky!

This is why in every relationship I've had I've come along to maybe half of the meetups with the mans parents and half not so they could get time together. And if they stayed at ours, I'd go to bed earlier so they could stay up and chat.
Because everyone is different around a partner. And of course a parent wants to spend time with their child.

Nine days is way too long

You sound very mature and sensitive Disturbia81

Sadly, it takes some young people a while to twig that some parents might like a little alone time with their adult dc. Not a lot. Just a coffee or a drink or something is usually sufficient.

It’s awkward though if you are a parent and your child and their gf or bf is glued to their hip, It’s not easy to say “adult child, please come out with me, and you, gf or bf, please stay behind!”

It’s better if the initiative comes from the adult child.

If I were you I'd try to build a relationship with his GF. You seem to be a bit stuck on the idea of her as an 'add on' that you'd prefer at times to see your DS without. I think it would be helpful to see her as part of the family and forge a meaningful relationship with her in her own right. As she doesn't appear close with her own family, this could be mutually beneficial and will stand you in good stead if grandchildren come on the scene. As for your DS, it sounds like you clash. In some ways you're justified - they need to pull their weight more and need telling when things need to be done - but also because you sound like you have different priorities. I think sometimes for the sake of harmony you need to just accept that. If they want to go no further than a coffee shop, they're not harming anyone, so keep your powder dry for the things that matter, like not treating you as a servant.

@Bearwithachoreshed876 Ahh thankyou, it helps that I do need time alone sometimes so it wasn't an effort to give them space! And also my own family were good so I didn't need to seek out another, like it sounds in the OP.
I can imagine it is frustrating and awkward, and don't want to offend anyone as once you say something like that it's never forgotten. I hope my own daughters will carve out a bit of time for me alone.

We sound very alike Disturbia81

I also like my own space and was brought up by a family who respected one another’s space too. We love each other and enjoy each other’s company but we don’t impose ourselves on each other without clear communication.

I think this sort of thing is harder to negotiate when a family is much more enmeshed.

Thank you again to everyone for such wise advice.
I totally agree about short and sweet breaks rather than long and rocky.

I have made my son’s girlfriend very welcome, perhaps too much. We always include her in plans to meet up, meals out, day trips even holidays, though sometimes I’d love it if she said no. I have never said anything to alienate or upset her and I do like her and am happy she makes my son happy. Her family seem quite dysfunctional so I understand why she likes to spend time with us. Regarding money, my son was given quite a nice chunk of cash as a Christmas gift so they aren’t brassic.

I agree that it’s very awkward to ask your adult child to go out for a coffee or a drink when their girlfriend is attached to their hip. Perhaps I need to negotiate that via text in future to avoid any embarrassing conversations.

It is a transitional period in all of our lives and I have learned a lot this Christmas, mainly about setting appropriate expectations for everyone.

I will not be inviting anyone to stay for longer than 3 days in future. It’s a recipe for brooding resentment and ultimately disaster.

Wow at 23 you are still doing all that stuff for him and his gf, surprised they wanted to move out! Sure he can cook and do his own washing, my mum would never have entertained that!