Weaponised incompetence

[Menomayhem]

Hi all, for years now I get frustrated over my partner not being able to complete the simplest of tasks. For example, today I asked him to pay a parking fine with my card while I was at work. He did it, but paid twice! I asked how did this happen he said ‘oh I’m no good with internet, you should have done it’ it’s not the first time when asking to do something simple I get this response. I’ve now realised this is ‘weaponised incompetence’ does anyone else encounter this? In the end I say oh I’ll just do it, or I’ll organise this, or I’ll cook as I know it’s easier than the ‘I’m no good at this’ or ‘you can do this better’ when in reality, maybe just learning how to do things would be easier…. I didn’t know it was an actual ‘thing’
for once I feel heard!

Men divide things into (i) things that matter and (ii) everything else.

If it mattered to your DP it would have been sorted in no time.

It's not "weaponised incompetence" it's indifference.

He could also accuse u of weaponised incompetence by spending so much energy delegating to him when you could have logged a payment online yourself much quicker.

My mother did this all the time. We’re now NC.

Yep, my partner does this daily. Can't read the water meter, can't wash up, can't hoover properly, can't pack the kids school bags without forgetting anything.

I genuinely do not believe he's an idiot. It's merely his way of being able to do less, so he can focus on him and his own needs.

He tells me if i write him a list of what needs to be done and how, he'd do it. Why would I bother, I'd just do it myself! And he knows it

Same....I used to get 'but you do things so much better' which is code for 'I can't be arsed'. Funny though when it came to hobby (golf), everything was planned, booked, organised and sorted ALL by himself.

It's unbelievably unattractive. The whole oh it's better when you do it, or tell me what needs doing and walk me through it bullshit.

And yet somehow you're still magically supposed to want to shag these completely inept men? After a day of being their mummy slash manager?

God! I've put this on here before but I used to sit on a bank of desks in the office with 3 guys and they all actually admitted to doing this. Purposely balls up the simplest of tasks at home so they got a free pass out of doing it again.
None of them could cook when in a couple (but miraculously could when single)
If they cleaned the bathroom would do a half arsed job or keep leaving it until it was a disgrace.
Also prioritised doing things like handwashing their car/cutting grass when it didn't need it or taking hours to go to the tip with a solitary item so they were too busy.
Worst one was a guy who told his wife he always had to work late especially on Fridays as we really needed him at work and he couldn't let us down 😡He could have left at 4pm most of the time but stayed chatting to whoever was left so their 2 little kids were bathed and in bed by the time he got in. To a meal cooked by his wife who saw him as the man who 'saved the day' at work.
To add she worked full time too (elsewhere not in same office) so always had to sprint off to childcare to pick their kids up.

The key is to let them deal with the consequences. If he paid twice has he paid you back or got in touch to get a refund for the double payment? People only learn from their mistakes if they have to suffer the consequences or fix things themselves. You have to make sure you don't get annoyed and take over.

The flip side of this is when women criticise everything their partner does so they don't bother. As my DH says about my MIL, "I can try and get shouted at, or do nothing and get shouted at. Might as well do nothing." There are very few tasks where there is a single RIGHT WAY of doing things. If someone does a chore and they are breaking/damaging something, yes, give helpful guidance on how to do it differently in a nice tone. If it's just not the way you would prefer it done, or not as good as you would do it because you have more experience, let it go.

If I could train someone up to wait on me hand and foot I would as well.

I do it back. I've convinced the entire family I can't cook for example. I also can't iron or sort clothes very well. It has helped equalise things nicely.

My husband tried this early in our marriage. I told him I wasn't born with an iron in one hand and a spatula in the other; he got the message. ( We're celebrating our golden wedding anniversary next year.)

Not wanting to throw my own under the bus but a good dose of mumsnet is the cure.

I believe most men are a little competitive the realisation that when you think your being smart the women around you (partners,sisters colleagues,) think your an utter bellend is sobering.

I wasn’t too bad at home but had a massive wake up call (that I’ve now fixed) at work and will make sure my boys are better than me.

If you have the time read or listen to fair play by Eve Rodsky. Big section on being responsible for a task and that is inception to completion and accountability.

Also as you all already know testosterone makes you selfish so the wants in it for us is that as @DepartingRadish says it’s highly unattractive. My shagability has definitely increased with being a more competent human at home and family life it much better too. So it is in his own interest to be better.

Don't be silly. Thats already why she does everything.

Yeah it’s just a BS reason to do less/ nothing

That seems true @Manontherun . My own DH improved immeasurably once my teenage boys grew into young men and modelled a different type of more modern masculinity.

Does his manager have to tell him what to do all the time, every day for every task or does he somehow manage to hold down a job despite this apparent lack of skills at home?

You balls up in this house you just need more practise, over and over until you get it right. Fortunately for me I had a lovely MIL who taught both her children, male and female how to cook, clean, iron, budget etc. Dh is a keeper. I could not respect a man who is useless and I certainly wouldn't have married him.

There is playing to your strengths and then there is pure laziness. I suggest you start using those phrases back at him, the but you are so good at this.

Thank you for your replies! It’s frustrating to say the least! It actually feels like I have three children instead of two! Trouble is, he has had everything done for him before. Cites he can’t handle money properly etc. which I agree with as before his parents did it all for him! Argh!

I don't think the original example is the best situation to put anyone in. I really would not give my card or its details to anyone. I might refuse to do a task like that rather than deliberately fail at it. Perhaps, if it was a deliberate fail it might be considered wi.

You should write the list - laminate and stick to a cupboard in your kitchen under the title - An Idiot’s guide to Daily Life’

Thanks that is really interesting. My dad was a good dad (generous,hardworking and fair) but worked some nights on call played rugby most weekends and sqash too. Mum was SAHM he genuinely thought he had the life of Riley and had dogged the child care years.

What I’ve seen as a granddad is he was initially a bit off/surprised with how involved I was. We’ve had a few heart to hearts and he now realised that what he thought was dodging the bullet of childcare was him truly missing out which is sad as you can’t get it back.

He has stepped up as a man and has been a great help doing things he’d never even done before. Much to the bemusement off my Mum who is quite rightly a bit miffed.

Sounds like you’ve done a great job with your lads. Your fella like me is a work in progress 😉

It is definitely a thing that men and women do to avoid being asked to do the task again however, having worked supporting people with internet access and using council and gov websites for all sorts of applications i'd say they aren't always straightfoward and silly errors do occur with technology.

Part of delegation is accepting that mistakes may be made and that they are unlikely to be done just like you might do them. If you won't accept mistakes and inflexible about how they are done it makes the other person avoid helping you because helping you makes them feel criticised which makes them feel useless and a failure. If you've always done something you're quicker and better at it, it's unfair to expect someone who rarely or never done it to be like you and then to turn around and say never mind i will never ask again is mean because people make mistakes and need time to learn, and people pick up things at different rates.

So give him more practise and be patient. He paid it twice but its done, hopefully next time he will know not to refresh the page too soon!