Follow on from coward DH - getting through the breakup when your ex is horrible.

[Notacoward]

Hi, I wrote a post a couple of months ago about my DH and I being involved in an accident where DH abandoned me and saved himself. It then turned out he was actually having an affair so no wonder he hadn't spared me a thought. We broke up following the incident and this has been my first Christmas without him.

I just wanted to ask how people get through it when they're in grief (and still recovering from shock) and their ex is out partying and living life to the full with the other woman. It bloody hurts!

We have dc so I can't just cut him off completely. But I hate that he has been awful and then just gets to move on with his life. His main concern was how other people would perceive him - I swear he was more upset by the disapproval of friends and family than he was by my disapproval. Please give me some good advice to get through it - amd thoughts to everyone who's had a tricky 2024. Let's make 2025 a better year all round x

Ah OP that’s incredibly hurtful, what a scum bag! I’d strongly suggest some therapy, there will be lots of complicated feelings around this that you need to work through to move on, unfortunately there I don’t think there would be a tip or hint given on here that would solve your issues on this one. Good luck and be very kind to yourself xx

I remember your thread. I was gobsmacked at his cowardice and so impressed by your measured calm. I think you should keep that going. That will bother him more in the long run.

I know it hurts now, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

He cares what other people think of him, so even though it doesn't look like it now, he will eventually care what you think too. (He's just blocking that out because he needs to justify his actions.) Indifference. That's your best ammunition now—people who care what others think of them can't stand indifference.

Make him feel like he is insignificant.

I am so proud that you kicked him to the curb. He is a worthless little worm of a man and you deserve so much better.

Based on my experience, your ex is going to remain a coward, will be financially controlling, and will make you think that you are the one responsible for the failing of your marriage. I am divorced for 7 years, and it is still an ongoing battle with ex. You will think I am the one that wanted to divorce the one he acts, he only see the kids as per our agreement and not one day more as he is entitled to his own free time (as per his words), he only see his kids every other weekend and one day a week. To tell you, I asked him if he could take the kids on Thursday night as I was working Friday and it was his weekend with the kids, his answer was no as he had to do a food shopping on Friday so he could not take them. We were at his mom when this conversation happened, his sister was shocked by his behaviour, she could not comprehend that he will not take them, I told her I am not surprised by it.

Yeah, I didn't realise he was quite so money oriented until all this occurred. He's been mercenary about acquiring as many resources as possible. I'm sorry you're going through this @ErinAoife

I'm sorry you're finding things hard at the moment, OP. The timing with Christmas sucks and will undoubtedly have made a challenging time more difficult as well.

I didn't read your original thread at the time but I've just read all of your posts on it and what comes across really strongly is what a massive, massive twerp he is - not for fleeing to save his own skin, which as you say he couldn't help, but for bullying you for years and years, belittling you and putting you down to make himself feel like a big man. And fhe complaining about having to do the housework, urgh!

Remember that whatever his life looks like on the outside, on the inside he is aware that he is a pathetic, weak, fearful little wimp - that he is, in fact, all of the things that he accused you of being. I know someone every similar to him (also ex forces!) who is a rude, arrogant prick on the outside but on the inside is absolutely full of self loathing. I doubt that you ex is enjoying himself as much as it looks like he is.

Are you having some therapy now to unpick the years of emotional abuse that he has subjected you to? Have you minimised contact with him as far as possible (you can get co-parenting apps so that you don't have to have direct contact with him because of the children, for example)? You will come out of the other side of this much the better without him dragging you down. He still has to live with himself.