So.
I'm 37F, DH is 38M, we've been married for 8 years, have 3 kiddos, a 6 year old girl and almost 2 year old twin boys.
Obviously things are clearer in hindsight, so with that in mind:
My husband doesn't stand up for me. I'm an independent woman, but jeez, it would be nice to know he's got my back. It makes me feel alone. Like really alone, undervalued, not emotionally or physically supported.
I've spent months debating this view, and the truth here is I find the spineless, wimpy, conflict-averse, whatever other label you want use, SO unattractive.
There's been many situations in the past (some of the big ones are below), and each time I swallow the resentment, I swallow the pain and the hurt, I distance myself, I shut the world out, I cry, I care a little less, rinse and repeat. At this point i'm only really showing up for my kids.
> I've covered this in another post, but the birth of our boys was very traumatic (a CS). The anaesthetist had no damn clue what he was doing, he put 13 needles in my back, had me on laughing gas for 40 minutes and eventually when he got the needle in I was also high on pain meds, so the actual birth is a big black hole in my memory. Not ONCE did DH say 'jee, that seems a bit much'. I wasn't expecting him to confront the doctors or anything but a damn question, a statement, something?!
> I have a small business where I hand dyed yarn. My husband works with me in this business handling the shipping and customers while I source, create and package. A customer complained and was exceptionally rude and belittling and personal and DH told me to reframe my perspective. He didn't say a damn thing to her, offer to say a damn thing to her or anything else. Just "Look at it differently. You can't control what people think and say." And while that's correct, I was hoping for something like (to the customer) 'this comment is uncalled for.' or even 'this is an unkind thing to say'.
> we worked in the same company prior to working together from home. My boss was an @$$hole to say it kindly. He was also a subordinate to my DH. My DH walked into a boardroom where my boss was belittling me and he said nothing. Again, something like 'it's not appropriate to talk to people like that' would've sufficed. But nothing?
> he got arrested for a DUI (I'm in south africa so things work a little differently here) and the guy he was with was his collegue and friend at the time. This man left DH high and dry after making promises of waiting for me to show up to sort the nonsense out at the station. Then when i called this 'friend' on his bad attitude, he became accusing and mean. The following monday at work, this man pulled me into his office and tore into me for respect, and then continued to make my life misrable, just because i was sticking to my boundaries of not apologising for saying that he was a sh!t friend to my DH. DH said nothing.
Again. I'm not expecting a show of ovation or a spectacle or a scene, but simply knowing my DH has my back would be nice. This has had severe effects in our marriage to the point where I don't want to have sex (with him) simply because i dont feel like he's safe to be vulnerable around.
Any advise other than 'communicating' would be awesome because we've communicated the alphabet out of this and he promises to change but next time he doesnt stand up or have my back and i say it out loud, he responds with 'you're being mean' or 'you're being unrealistic'.