To leave or not

[Bluebellsnowdrop]

Struggling to decide whether to leave or not. Been married 20 years. Had it in my mind for the last few years that I would leave at some point due to dh short temper, the way that he speaks to me sometimes and I would say he has a bit controlling behaviour. Stayed this long for the kid's sake, they're now teenagers. I find myself thinking all the time about how I could manage to leave and get my own place. Finances would be tough. I work part time, but even if I upped my hours to full time I would struggle to be able to privately rent and wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage. I'm just wondering if people who have been in a similar position could offer any advice. Am I just thinking the grass would be greener on my own? I'm worried that I break the family up and then find its such a struggle that I would wish I'd stay put.

Whats Your housing situation at the moment? Do you jointly own or rent?

Would he assist with housing costs?

I understand why you stayed, but finances are not everything. Even if you financially struggle, it can be better for the kids to see an example of what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship and then worry is that they’ve seen it’s acceptable for him to treat you badly (short temper and controlling). I also appreciate it’s difficult to get away when you’re being controlled (my ex wouldn’t even let me have my bank card).

Are his finances robust? Do you have some sort of eff off fund (or can you sell a few bits on eBay etc to start it off - it’s amazing what you can sell and how it quickly mounts) just to give yourself a cushion? If you separate and you have sole custody he still is responsible for a roof over their heads until they finish tertiary education. Have you had a look at the benefits calculator to see if you’d be entitled to top up your wages with state assistance?

Sorry I can’t be more help, I hope you manage to sort it out.

I would make the break sooner rather than later. He's broken up this family by being abusive to you, the mother of his children and in turn them. Your children and you have all suffered way more than enough and besides which the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is patently no role model to be showing them and as you have seen staying for their sake rarely if ever works out at all well for all involved. Never be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

Seek legal advice asap and find out your options. You are married to this man and have rights in law.

Thanks for your replies. Housing situation is we jointly share the mortgage. He earns a lot more than me. I think if we split, I dont see him being very amicable. I assume if we divorced I would get half the equity in the house but that wouldn't be enough to buy a 3 bedroom property, and I don't think I would pass affordability checks for a mortgage. I'm on minimum wage.

Have a chat with a solicitor re your options. Given his short temper as well he was never going to be amicable. He’s going to make the process of you separating from him as protracted as possible as “punishment “ for leaving him.

I wouldn't describe him as 'abusive' but do think he has controlling tendencies. He normally makes negative comments if I'm going out with friends, comments on what I wear. Doesn't say I can't go out or wear certain clothes but it makes me feel awkward about it. That sort of thing. I guess I'm after people's opinions on whether it's normal in a long term relationship to feel fed up and think about leaving. I don't want another relationship. If anything I yearn for freedom.

Controlling tendencies and or behaviour like that are rooted in abuse. He has no right whatsoever to comment on what you wear and or when and where you go out. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He thinks you’re going to get chatted up by another man or run off with one.

Do read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

OP, just be mindful that most of the advice you will get on Mumsnet is to kick the bastard out. As if life is going to be all roses after the split- strained finances, angry teenagers etc. We all sometimes fall into a rut in a relationship. I suggest you start standing up for yourself before you decide to do something drastic. You can write him a letter to explain how his comments make you feel. You can insist on marriage counselling. You can do counselling on your own if he refuses. There is no guarantee life will be any better if you split. Negotiation is far better than open warfare in my books. Teenage years is a time when many women finally have enough time and energy to look around and realise their relationship has been a mess for a while. This does not mean everything is lost, most marriages could be rescued with a bit of patience and effort

Whaaaat??!! How the hell has been abusive? OP has not said that or even remotely implied it: And he hasn’t broken up his family, honestly, get a grip.

@Bluebellsnowdrop just leave. If you’ve been contemplating it for the last few years then the relationship will never work and staying because of finances or because you’ll have a cushtier life is not fair on him, or your children, who will
already be well aware that things aren’t how they should be.

Further to earlier message.... I wanted to split many times in my married life. Two things stopped me 1. imagining my childrend's first Christmas with us as divorced parents 2. seeing how many of my good friends struggle after divorce. Now that the children are late teens and mostly into their own things I feel staying put and fighting for my marriage was very much worth it. Every situation is different, of course. I just wanted to give you a different perspective. Do you like reading? Loving Against Odds by Rob Parsons is a very good book. It literally saved my marriage 13 years ago.

Thank you for your replies. It's good to get other people's perspectives. Although I feel the desire to leave, there are various reasons why I haven't done so. It isn't purely financial (although this is a major obstacle as i can't afford to just leave). The main one being that he will probably want 50/50 custody and I won't be happy with that. It will be a major upheaval to split the family up, divorce and sell the house. We'll all be worse off financially. I don't think it will be amicable, so it will be pretty unpleasant all round. I really don't like the idea of still living in the house together if I tell him we're splitting up.

You have plenty of good reasons not to leave.Most marriages are like gardens, they improve with a bit a attention. There are plenty of good books on relationships if you like reading. Cheaper than counselling and you don't need a willing partner to implement the changes. As well as the book I recommended earlier I also found Why Women Talk and Men Walk and 5 Languages of Love useful. I hope it helps

I suppose thats the problem. I feel I want to leave. I don't know if it's a perimenopause thing. I get irritated by the tv being on all the time, having to tidy up after everyone all the time and being responsible for all the life admin. I want to spend a lot of time on my own. But I'm always weighing up the pros and cons, and there are a lot of cons of leaving. I will have a look at the books you've recommended.

Peri and teenagers is a brutal combination. Fortunately it only lasts a few years.

Firstly, even though your kids are teenagers I would strongly suggest to not have too much conflict around them. Secondly, i would take time away to gather my thoughts and truly get to the core of what bothers me in the relationship. If you think that you can't at that point then if that's what's best for you and your children do that, however maybe before you could just all cards on the table have a really long and deep discussion. Maybe there is some sort of communication system that you could put in place? Such as every week having some sort of meeting where you discuss something you appreciated that they did or improved on and something that you think your partner could improve on. The goal being respectfully communicating.