Getting back with your ex?

[Negroniqueen]

NC for this. I posted about my bf almost 2 years ago which was kind of the start of the end for our relationship. Things were really strained and we weren't working as a team, both being pretty horrible to one another and a lot of resentment built. It took me over a year but I ended things 6 months ago and moved into my own place. The house was jointly owned and wasn't a quick process so I am only now at the stage of getting my equity back soon.

We were both very upset about breaking up and I didn't actually want to go through with it. I really felt I had no choice as we kept butting up against the same issues and promises to change were never kept so I couldn't keep being miserable. We didn't speak for almost 2 months at the start and then slowly decided to see how things go. We are getting along good and feels like we appreciate each other more but I have kept him at arms length for now.

I am a bit concerned that things are good when we don't have stresses but we could go back to living together and it all falls apart. We both clearly love each other though. So just asking for some advice of whether you would give it another chance? And if so, how to make sure old habits don't creep back in?

No.

This.

Just no. You broke up for a reason. You are not compatible and nothing will ever change.

Of course you still love each other, you’re still playing semi-couple. So how could you possibly get over each other?

On the assumption there are no children involved you need to go no-contact.

The end.

We've been married for 50 years. Broke up twice, got back together twice. It didn"t get better. He's known as Jeckyle and Hide in the family because he wants a home with a wife to come home to but also wants a secretive " other life " where he can meet other women , mostly on-line , tells them a whole bunch of lies and leaves them flat and devastated when they start asking too many questions about his past. He was taken out of the house by the police in Nov 2023 after punching me several times because I asked about his latest on-line conquest. There is a no contact order in place, not allowed to contact me or come to the house which is fine by me but every time I need to send a solicitors letter to try and get the house and finances sorted out it's costing me an arm and a leg. Just found out that his case is not going to trial until July 2025.
Don't feel like I can move on .
He's moved up north and according to friends is still on various dating sites with all the usual lies He's been telling other women for years.

Interesting I thought there would be some people in the yes camp. I feel like things have changed but I guess yes they may go back to normal if things got serious again. We did no contact for 2 months and both still wanted to see each other at the end of it but maybe we didn't give it long enough

Just do what you need to do and ignore the Mumsnetters.
What you cannot do is go back to relationship 1, you must go back to relationship 2. Even long marriages go through struggles and strains and some existential crises.

If you listen to Mumsnet you'd leave everyone and live alone forever.

Thank you helpful advice

Yes.
People and situations change, as do relationships.
If you are both committed to reconciling, it can work again.

I'd be booking couples counselling to look at the issues that caused the breakdown and about moving forward

It sounds like a tough spot.
Why does the time apart have an impact, do you think? You mentioned about maybe needing more?
It seems like you communicated your wants and needs and stated some boundaries. Your ex said they wanted to change themselves to fit your needs, but that didn't happen. I understand why you had no choice. This really often happens in relationships.
What do you think has changed to actually change the cycle, other than distance to move the memories of the hard times further away?

Unfortunately every time I went back to an ex I was reminded of the reasons why the relationship didn’t work in the first place so we broke up again and again. I also stayed friends with some of my exes and this also helped me see that breaking up was the right thing to do. And these are not situations where the men did something wrong but promised they’d change, the breakups were for a mix of reasons with the ‘blame’ being split. I’m sure rekindled relationships can work, but these are the exception rather than the rule, and I’ve learned to think of myself as the rule, not the exception

I'd say no, you already know how things are supposed to change, then don't.
You have given each other chances before
You don't have to hate him, but please don't date him!

Good question. I think the time apart has made it easier as the day to day stresses have been removed and we have said from the beginning to be honest/ communicate better. Before this nothing would get resolved as it felt like we were out for ourselves and not a team. Whereas this whole process he has actually been more understanding of what I need and why I have needed to do this. I am just worried that if we moved back together, the daily stresses about money and not pulling weight in the house would creep back in. Then the tension and resentment build again..

You don't have to live with each other you know. Sometimes seperate homes is just the job. I know married couples who have kept their own houses.

I am in the yes camp.
We had 3 months no contact after almost 2 years together and have been back together for 15 months.
It is better than ever now, I have changed myself a little bit and he has also changed. It’s been a little rocky sometimes, but we are both finding it easier to talk through expectations from each other. We have both been hurt in previous long term relationships.

I feel like we really just needed to reset how we acted to each other and my feelings were if we are still getting annoyed at one another then it's done but otherwise there could be a way to find ourselves back together in a much healthier place. I still wouldn't jump back into living together soon but just wanted some advice before I decide whether to give it any more effort. Good point about not living together it's just financially quite expensive!