At a crossroads

[JoyousTiger]

I'm not sure whether I want to be with my husband anymore. He is 45 and I am 32. We have been together 9 years and married 5. We have one child together who is nearly 2.

We are about to buy a house together, but the deposit money is all mine and I am looking to see if I could do it on my own as I don't want to miss out on this house. I earn more than him and we both work part time to help with childcare.

I think I have really changed since having a child. The birth was really traumatic and he was premature. I am having therapy with a psychologist for this via the perinatal service.

He is a lovely man and loves me very much. He is kind, loyal, and trustworthy. Over the years we've got our own habits, jokes etc but we don't talk much, seem to have little in common, and I can't shake this feeling that I/we deserve something a bit more. Life is very mechanical and monotonous. I'm a different person at work and with friends - happier, chattier, excited about life. I feel so guilty at the thought of leaving him as I'm not sure what he would do financially but I am also sick of feeling relied on (emotionally as well). When I think about the future with him, I think I have to accept a certain level of unhappiness for safety and security. I don't feel very interested sexually and at the moment I just want to be left alone.

I can't stop feeling like I want another chance at life where I am happier and with someone who has a bit more sense of adventure, get up and go and who can be independent of me financially and emotionally. I don't know if this is a fantasy I've created in my head, because I'm not sure how I'd meet someone now I have a young child, but the fact that I'm thinking about it tells me a lot.

The alternative is that I stay and we try to make it work. I feel like that's just delaying the inevitable but appreciate I need to be open to trying properly as well. Having the house sale hanging over my head is adding the extra pressure.

I am just posting for advice really. I can't see what the best thing to do is at all.

Do not buy this house with him until you are sure.
Can you imagine having another child with him and getting even more stuck, because that’s what would probably happen.

I am waiting for my mortgage advisor to ring me back to discuss options. I can afford the payments on my own but wouldn't have much left over. I don't really want to miss out on this house and really want/need to move for space.

We have agreed no more children. If I'm truthful, if I met someone else later I would probably have another but it's not a deal-breaker for me.

You need to know what you’re doing in terms of the relationship before you think about a house. You’re married which means all money is legally joint, any asset is legally joint, even if you bought it in your own name it is still the marital home and so when you divorce he’s entitled to a % of it, or cash equivalent.

I appreciate the responses, but the issue really isn't the house.

I am thinking about the relationship which is why I'm so stuck. IF we were to divorce and I need to pay him a percentage then I will. I also have the appropriate legal safeguards.

Would be great if you had thought of this 2 years ago

And would be even better if you had responded 4 months ago.

I've just seen this so my advice will be too late. I was only going to say, if you provide whole deposit and buy together, ensure the ownership is split accordingly - you may get 70%, he gets 30%.
Would be interested to know how you got on and hope you're okay.