My husband is a liar

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi all,
I'm an idiot, I know as my partner was a liar throughout our relationship, but although he started counselling around his lies, and promised I'd seen the end of it, post marriage he has continued to lie.

Some lies are so trivial - like eating something out the fridge. Other lies like putting money in savings (financially we earn similar) when he actually spent the money and/or taking money from his family when we agreed he wouldn't do so. He'll lie about things he or I said, so I keep a diary of key conversations we have. It's driving me mad

I'm so tired of the same behaviour and the same empty promises he will do better. He said this morning "losing you will destroy me" like that's my problem, after his lies have destroyed my mental health. Yesterday he agreed to leave, now he's saying he won't, and that he wants another month to prove he can do better (i said no but he's giving me no choice)

losing you will destroy me

But that's just another lie.

i said no but he's giving me no choice

He may refuse to move out but that doesn't stop you separating or getting the ball rolling on divorce. Time to get your ducks in a row as the MN saying has it.

You said it yourself - his lying is destroying your MH. It will continue to do so, as he won’t change op. Seek legal advice and end this for the sake of your health and happiness. If he won’t leave, I doubt you can make him (depending on housing situation), but you can still progress with separation etc. Dump him, and stick to it - you will be happier.

This can't be your life forever. Not unless you want to die with this as the theme of your life.

No no no no no.

The greatest predictor of what someone will do in the future is the pattern of what they've done in the past. This isn't going away. The fact he tried and failed to change is confirmation.

Make the split happen however you have to do it.

He cannot make you have a relationship. So it's ended. Tell him you have ended it as of now.

Do you have a spare room? Somewhere to go? Can you afford a few hours with a lawyer to start the divorce ball rolling?

What I find frustrating, is he's claiming this time it's different (yep heard that before too) he claims he's dealing with the root cause of trying to be someone he's not - yes, that's a problem but he's known this all along.

My dad was my best friend, and the week before the wedding he told me he couldn't attend the wedding, as he was so against me marrying this man. It broke my heart but with 12k already spent, and the humiliation of pulling out, I went through with it, with a million and one doubts. I feel even more let down that he's seen me lose my relationship with my dad and continued with past behaviour

Literally within 48 hours of saying our vows there was another lie ... im just constantly sobbing my heart out now

Your husband doesn’t get to decide whether you end the relationship. You absolutely do have a choice.

He says things are different this time, but it sounds like it’s too little, too late. Like previous posters, I don’t believe that things will be different this time. But even if he miraculously stops lying, it doesn’t repair the damage he has done up to this point.

If you don't want to be married to him anymore, you don't have to be. You don't need his permission to divorce him.

As above, speak to a solicitor and get the ball rolling with the divorce.

He showed you who he was before marriage. That's who he is and liers only get worse.

Stop the conversations. You decide what's best for you and then do it. He doesn't need to know and certainly doesn't get to express his opinions. See a solicitor, and call your Dad.

He has an ingrained problem that can't be changed overnight with sweet talk and promises that he will change.

Sadly his lying may have come from a place of trauma that he may not even be aware of himself and lying has become a completely normal way of life for him.

It's similar to being an alcoholic, he can't help himself and he has had plenty of opportunity to get therapy and counselling and has chosen not to.

Don't let him wear you down with false hope and insincere promises.

You have to leave or you will be dragged down even further until you can no longer get up.

@Jolietta - you hit the nail on the head. Ive pointed out to him for well over a year that his lying and characteristics clearly stem from his childhood, whereby his parents favoured his brother. No matter when he did, it wasn't as good as his brother.

This is childhood trauma that he doesn't understand and even if he did understand will take years of commitment to change but he hasn't in over 12 months of me repeating the same thing.

He has normalised lying, it's behaviour that comes naturally and he doesn't even realise he's doing it. And to be quite frank, him delivering me the pity party when I've said enough is enough., shows he doesn't particularly care about the impact its having on me

Take control back for yourself here OP, walk away. It’s not up to him whether you stay together or not, don’t give him that power, he doesn’t have a choice- you do.

It sounds like you have tried to speak to him about this many times and he chose to ignore the issue. This is who he is, it's not normal that you have to write conversations down so you dont feel your going mad.
Get the ball rolling with the divorce. I imagine your dad will be happy and relieved, can you stay with him for a while so your husband knows you are being serious?

That's hard. Very hard.

But don't compound the mistake by doubling down and sticking it out.

Your dad was right, but it can be hard to get off a juggernaut when you're on it. In fact seeing through a bad decision because it's easier at the time that changing direction is a known human psychological thing... It even has a name, though I forget what it is.

Set things straight now and rebuild with your dad.

I agree with other posters, I suspect your dad would be delighted to get the call from you. I'd do that first.

What @Jolietta said, that you have to leave or you'll be dragged down further, is very true.

It is much much much easier to drag someone down than it is to haul someone up.

You've tried, you gave it a good shot but ultimately change isn't possible given his point of view on it... and if it was the impetus can only come from him - not you, so no matter what energies you plough into this, unless he picks up the baton and runs with it, your energy is entirely wasted.

Thank you all! I've held my ground today and told him repeatedly it was over. I tried to stay out his way, but he has this habit of following me around the house, to plead how sorry he is

I did have the longest cry in the bath after he said, I'm destroying him.. I challenged him at the time and said no "your behaviour destroyed this marriage"

I'm so hurt he continues to place the blame on me. It took me back to the first argument he had with my dad, when he said repeatedly his kids awful behaviour was because I didn't spend enough time with them (funny enough, they had awful behaviour before me), which is why school have additional measures in place for both of them.

If it rains tomorrow, he'd find a way to blame me!

When he next tells you you're 'destroying' him tell him that's why you need to get out of the relationship - to protect him. No arguing with that.

I did have the longest cry in the bath after he said, I'm destroying him.. I challenged him at the time and said no "your behaviour destroyed this marriage"

It's hard, isn't it? But you've done and said the right thing. Lies are absolutely corrosive to relationships - honesty is absolutely foundational to trust, and without trust, you don't have a healthy relationship.

As you've identified, lies are always about deep-seated shame, and because liars are defending against shame, it's also a pattern for liars to try to shift the blame for the consequences of their choices to someone else (eg telling you that YOU are destroying him rather than acknowledging that it's HIM destroying the relationship).

It will be painful now but your head will feel so much clearer soon. And don't worry - liars are typically too self-centred to harm themselves. The idea that they won't survive without the relationship is just another lie. My ex, a consistent liar, made noises about killing himself when I uncovered a whole lot of what he was hiding, but of course, three years later he's alive and kicking and sadly leading another trusting woman down the garden path.