Jealousy ruining our relationship

[Angelcakelover]

Please no one be too harsh but I have to admit... I'm one of those women who gets jealous far too easily. I wouldn't say I get jealous just at the thought of him speaking to another woman, but I get jealous of most of his female friends. Sometimes if he mentions a woman in conversation my ears prick up a bit. He's friends with quite a few women, but some of them are only casual friendships and he rarely ever meets up with a woman one on one.

Jealousy has been a problem for a while, but it's got worse since having a baby together. I find myself feeling vulnerable and insecure more than I should. Now, I'm very confident my DP wouldn't cheat on me. But I couldn't say with confidence that he would never fall out of love with me and fall in love with someone else. I'm already having counselling and while it's helped me with some issues in my past, it hasn't helped so much with the jealousy. For anyone that's been through it, how do you get control of it? I so badly want to be a chilled out woman who doesn't care at all. One of my friends doesn't care if her boyfriend hangs out with women one on one, it's no big deal to her at all. I envy her! I guess I want to know how i can get to that point where it doesn't worry me anymore?

I understand however within the context of the ops jealousy it's not helpful. Relationships are not meant to be a preparation for betrayal, although jealousy will put a wedge between the two people. An overwhelming feeling of distrust will cause arguments eventually.
I've lived through a jealous relationship and it nearly always escalates, providing reassurance is never enough. Having to explain who, where and what I was doing. There is often a root cause, a combination of nature and nurture. Past experiences of personal or familial betrayal can leave people with PTSD.

There's lots of great information on jealousy provided by the Gottmann Foundation. Especially on how to rebuild trust in ourselves and others.

I think sometimes it's better to be honest with posters rather than supporting a misaligned course of action or opinion under the guise of support.
Un-checked jealousy leads to controlling behaviours.
It also might lead to the other leaving.

I see your point.

I would suggest though that if her insecurity and jealously is coming from a place of fear and vulnerability, feeling less vulnerable, more in control of her own life and less reliant on her partner, it might also lessen the feelings of jealousy.

It's not about preparing for betrayal but about feeling more self reliant akd increasing her confidence.

You are absolutely right that feelings of jealousy can lead to controlling behaviours and is likely to push someone away. But this only happens because when someone feels insecure and vulnerable, they hold on more tightly.

I'm sure there's not a single right approach to address this but it's always a good idea for a woman to have her own money in a relationship especially in one where she is not married.

I agree. OP clearly feels a sense of vulnerability relating to not having a foundation to live from if something were to occur so it may alleviate her fears if she has a grounding.

But also we don’t know what the basis of the jealousy is and whether it is actually unfounded or whether the behaviours of her partner are creating some of this, so suggesting it’s “PTSD” or some sort of deficit only on her part etc may be misguided and not helpful. It’s a relationship - both parties need to work on wherever is creating the issue.

I personally find being self sufficient reassuring in so far as if a relationship ends the impact is minimised, so it be somewhat helpful for OP to have that.

She's already begun scanning his communications and becoming bothered by his mentioning of women. The op could have millions in the bank and she'd still be jealous.
We have married friends going through the same problem at the moment both accusing each other it's sad to see jealousy when unchained.

Just to add to Collette78 PTSD is not a deficiency it is a clinically recognised response to betrayal/infidelity in relationships. It's recommended to seek specific treatment for it. Life isn't always pleasant to us all.😊

@Bettyboo111 yes I’m aware of what PTSD is and you’ve misread my post… I didn’t say it’s a deficiency I said you are implying this issue is a deficit solely of the OP instead of a mutual relationship problem for both of them to work on if they wish.
I’m also not sure advising people they must have PTSD and need therapy is overly helpful unless you are a qualified health professional.

Theres no indication from OP’s post that PTSD is at all relevant in this scenario, but they have advised they feel vulnerable financially so GreyCarpet’s advice fits the context far better.

Agree with @Collette78 &co. Few people would dispute that unfounded jealousy's rooted in fear and insecurity. A woman with a baby, few friends and little income, relying on her partner for a home and necessities, is in fact insecure and would rationally turn to fearful thoughts if she considers the possibility of the relationship breaking down.

Negatively comparing herself with her partner's female friends is a different kind of insecurity - it signifies a shaky self-esteem - but is also fed by the material insecurity of her situation. It's a great idea to work on the self-esteem and try to give up the comparison game - and to work on the other things at the same time. The objective, surely, should be to feel rock-solid in her own estimation; this includes having confidence in her ability to cope with whatever life may throw at her: her resources, in short.

The op is already in therapy for a past issue. Counselling is regularly recommended on this forum.
I found intense therapy specifically for jealousy extremely helpful.

I agree with the financially secure advice. Nevertheless I believe the jealousy is a result of some other issue....

https://stevegjones.com/hypnosis-downloads/?srsltid=AfmBOookHs60esIgoNvCzlcFqQQr9HjgKlUHwprhdP820sm5eI4jxIEZ These hypnotherapy techniques helped me. Particularly the jealousy one. My husband is not reassuring, and if you, like me are a bit needier, it can be hard. This helped.

I think all of you make good points. The fact that it's got worse since having a baby makes me feel it is mostly stemming from vulnerability and insecurity, which is in part due to my financial situation. I'm not married. It's his house. I barely have any family of my own and 1 or 2 friends. I work part time but I simply don't earn enough and I don't have any savings at the moment. However, things will have to change as I need to have some savings. At least if I know I CAN ever leave if I need to do, then it will put some of my worries to rest. No, it won't fix everything, but I think couples counselling is the way to go. Maybe we can work together to find ways to calm any doubts or worries in my mind.

I love this. Beautifully put. It's given me stuff to ponder - thank you!

Have you discussed marriage?

I agree with this, you don't know someone won't cheat you can't know this. You can hope that they won't and you can feel as a person they're unlikely to cheat but unfortunately no one can know what another person's behaviour will be.

I was very much like you OP, actually I was probably worse mine got quite out of hand. One I day I decided enough was enough. What helped me was that I stopped "trusting" my partner not to cheat or not to fall for someone else and started working on my self my own self esteem my own confidence, I don't trust my partner, but I do trust myself I trust myself that if he cheats or falls for someone else I trust that I will be ok and that I will cope. Of course I'll be upset but I trust in myself that I will get through it and I will survive. That has helped me enormously because I no longer have to fear it.

I know he might cheat (he works away so has opportunities) I'm not thrilled at the idea but I know I have no control over it, only he can control his own behaviour and me being jealous or not won't change that. So I hope that he doesn't and if he does that's on him to live with the truth normally comes out anyway.

I also know of a couple where the woman was so jealous it became abusive (tracking his phone constantly needing to know where he was) the sad thing was he did begin to cheat and when he did all the controlling things she was doing fuelled by her jealousy none of them stopped him from cheating, he knew she tracked his phone so he'd leave it at work go meet the woman he was having an affair with then collect his phone and tell his wife he'd worked late. A sad desperate situation for them both and eventually they did split but it always sticks in my head as an example of how if someone wants to cheat they will and no amount of being jealous/upset/controlling will stop them.

keeo working on you self you can do this

Can I ask how did you start working on building your self esteem and confidence? This is something I struggle with as I often hate how I look/talk/act etc. I pick holes in everything I do and always wish I was more like x y and z.

Yes, quite a lot. We intend to get married, but the last year has really tested us and we haven't always been in a good place to discuss it. We both want a small, simple wedding when (and if) the time comes.

It took time, but it does take time, it took for you to do the same things (picking holes in everything you do over and over again to become your norm) so you have to consciously do the opposite, every time you start to pick holes catch yourself and stop, you don't have to be positive about your self just be neutral. I actually thought of it in a way that do you know what I'm not that fucking special that anyone cares how I speak look act etc, everyone's far too worried about themselves to be bothered about you. For example "urgh so embarrassing the way I speak bet they are thinking I'm weird" change to the way I speak is normal, there are lots of different voices in the world none are weird, that includes mine people don't think anything out of the ordinary about my voice at all, it's just another voice, nothing to get excited about therefore nothing to worry about. Back this up by thinking about how you never go away from a conversation with someone and think about their voice in a negative way. Even if someone had a really unique voice I very much doubt it would take up much time in your head for it to be any sort of issue.

csn you see what I mean? It's like make it so boring it's a complete none issue. The human experience is actually quite common we all go around thinking we must be THE only person in the world to think / feel a certain way. It actually if we're feeling thinking a certain way the chances are many other people are too, we're not as unique as we think and that includes the negative things we think about ourselves. It takes time and doing it over and over again is the only way for it to become a habit.

also things like working on what you need to know you'd be okay IF your partner was to cheat/ meet someone else as that's the fear that fuels your jealousy. So are you working, could you afford to rent someone for you and baby if you needed to, do you nurture your relationships with your friends and family so you have support if you needed it. Don't put all your focus and energy into your relationship you also need other people in your life. Once you know all those things are in place and possible you fear less about being on your own because you know if you have to be you'd be okay, so there's less stress and pressure around what's he doing who's he talking to will that turn into something that means I'll be on my own, because you know you'll be fine on your own.

Hope that makes sense it's not a quick fix it took me months to get better and it's ongoing I have to remind myself. I have a toddler and new baby with my partner so I completely understand you saying you feel vulnerable. Working on all those things will make you feel less vulnerable.

one more thing that helped me was looking at the jealousy with curiosity, where's it coming from, usually when we are jealous it's over something we feel we are lacking, for example I was jealous of my husband's female friend at work who was very fit, she worked out and they had that in common, I realised I was jealous because I would like to get fit and work out so I turned it around to what can I do to not feel lacking and not feel jealous of her I started to workout eventually completely forgot what motivated me to start but it really made me feel good and added something positive to my life so I flipped the jealousy into action. Ok you can't always do this if someone if 6foot and you're 4 foot and are jealous they're taller you can't become tall but you can get curious and think why am I jealous of that what's lacking for me to make me feel jealous of their height.

meditation also helps but that's hard when you have a baby I know.

I have lots to think about, thank you! I think a problem for me is not letting other people in and not getting closer to other people. I have one really good friend who I open up to regularly, but other than that, I don't have many people in my life. It's mostly my daughter and my partner. Although I'm quite close to his family, i know that would naturally change if we were to ever split. So I feel vulnerable in more ways than one.

Good idea in regards to looking at these other women and thinking about what I'm so jealous of. And actually most of them are quite fit and sporty. I'm not a sporty person but would love to get in better shape, so that could be a good way to chanel my frustration and jealousy. Definitely my new goal for this year!