We split up a few months ago. He then came back, seemed very keen to see me. I was still wearing rose tinted glasses I am afraid, we slept together a few times and he said he still loved me and missed me etc so I thought we were going to try and make a go of things. He then said I had misunderstood and it wasn’t a good idea and he needs to ‘work on himself’ and all that bullshit. Obviously a string of cliches. I called him out on it and get a nasty voice note back telling me to fuck off in a really dismissive way and he then blocked me.
I know he isn’t right for me, it’s not him I miss I don’t think. More the company, he was was always difficult and quick to anger and just very hard work. But we enjoyed doing the same things and did lots of cool stuff together and I keep thinking about I miss it. I also have this strong sense of humiliation and it’s making me feel really bad about myself, like I wish he would come crawling back - not because I want him back but because I want the satisfaction of telling him to fuck off to regain a modicum of self respect.
I have form for being a bit too soppy and loving and giving too much of myself to people. It makes me a bit of a door mate. And I think it’s even harder this time of year when I am stuck in and have no plans all week or for NYE. I just want to get over it all with a sense of pride still in tact.