Husband loses it during arguments

[DickieOn]

I think I need to leave. Nothing changes. But don't know if I'm exaggerating after 20+ years together and such intertwined lives.

I'm sorry, I realise this is a bit long but also therapeutic for me to get it all out.

My husband has always had a problem of losing control during any fight - he will say the most hurtful thigns possible, bring in events which are completely unrelated, sometimes shouting in a very intimidating way. It's probably the most toxic thing in our relationship. It doesn't happen every day or every week but every few months. I've told him repeatedly that it's unacceptable - if we have a disagreement then it's just about that, not about everything under the sun. He'll bring up a list of my "crimes" in these moments and I feel like my character is on trial but the prosecution is not giving me any time to prepare a "defence". In addition to character assination, husband also bring "everyone" into it to add to his "case" against me. "Everyone" in the family is sick of you, you have fought with x,y,z, family member. Sometimes even bringing up the most painful things from my childhood and past.

Added on to this is an adult child who has had severe mental health issues for many years now (anxiety, depression, anorexia, neurodivergence) but is also incredibly manipulative with it and if they have an argument with me will bombard husband with shocking messages about how they will harm themself, kill themself because of me etc. It has placed a huge strain on our relationship (in addition to the strain of parenting a child with mental health issues). Husband is convinced he has saved DC's lives and needs to protect DC from me.

So history here of most recent event. Husband asked adult DC1 to go from student accommodation to take care of something urgent in our flat as we are away. The day before DC1 had been cheerful, happy, normal, all was fine. They'd travelled back from where we are now (abroad) and decided to go straight to uni rather than flat as planned but DC1 knew we needed them to just open the door for workmen (a couple of hours from uni accommodation). They'd been reluctant from the get to go. So then they insisted they were having a mental health crisis and couldn't possibly go from uni accommodation to open the door for workmen. Husband cancelled with workmen and I said that to DC1 but also pointed out the impact this would have (we have leaking sewage in our basement which needs to be sorted). From this DC1 insisted I don't care about their mental health, I'm guilt tripping them but at the same time is texting husband messages that they willl hurt themself because I don't care. I mean, this is nuts and so manipulative but they carry on because it works.Husband cannot see that. But I sort things with DC1 and calm things down and all is OK. Husband doesn't mention it to me when I arrive to meet him, doesn't seem to be a problem, allhas been resolved.

Anyway, we're away with younger DC aged 10. A couple of days has passed since the issue with DC1. We're checking out of hotel. It was a lovely place with farm animals and loads of things for DC2 to do. We had breakfast and then husband was playing with DC2. I said to him that I'd sort my stuff in the room and then we can swap and he can sort his stuff so DC2 can enjoy the farm and so we can get going a little sooner. We had no rush though and had plenty of time, still a couple of hours until check out. I took my time, fed a bit of the leftover food to the animals, rested a bit as I've been having stomach issues and some pain after eating. Husband comes in , sees room, face like thunder and he's furious with me. "You said you'd pack up the room but it looks a total mess". Clearly, misunderstanding between us but also....so what? Right? We're on holiday and we didn't have much stuff - and it was just his stuff and some of DC's to pack. I tell him that I thought he would do his since I didn't know what was what. But he accuses me of lying, of being like one of his horrible lazy relatives (I mean, a real insult - he hates her!!). And when I double down, pointing out that if I would have thought I was meant to have done it, then of course I'd have done it, what's the problem (I mean, duh!!), he SCREAMED at me in front of DC2. Everyone outside could hear too, I felt so humiliated.

So I told him not to scream at me and this is not OK. Now, this is when it kicked off. In front of DC2, he said to me that I nearly killed DC1 yesterday (DC2 worships DC1) so how dare I say anything to him. Then we start with the litany of all my crimes. In front of DC2 he also says "Why don't you just go back by bus, we were having such a good time without you" (I'd joined a day later due to work). Then he brings up some completely unrelated incidents which had happened a couple of weeks before and also a few months before to show what an awful person I am. He also said how everyone in the family hates me and that when I travel for work, everyone celebrates and is happy I am gone. I mean, these are the most hurtful things possible and all triggered because I didn't pack up his things when he thought I would?

This isn't an isolated incident. This is a familiar pattern during arguments. He's also physically restrained me a couple of times too over the years. Again, it's not every day or every week. But I can't handle this. It's not getting better, it's getting worse despite him saying that he would control himself.

I'm devastated as I feel I now have no choice but to leave since he didn't mind saying these things in front of DC2 and I don't want DC2 to think it is normal in a loving relationship for someone to scream at you and say such hurtful things. Surely in a loving relationship, with a small totally inconsequential misunderstanding like that which would happen in any relationship, the response would have been to have given the partner the benefit of the doubt? If you love your partner and feel positive about them that is....

How does he restrain you? Call the police if he restrains you.

These do not sound like healthy balanced arguments between two people who love and respect each other.

Who is the main carer? Can you leave or ask him to leave?

This isn't a loving relationship, my darling. Your husband is horribly abusive. This leapt out at me: I've told him repeatedly that it's unacceptable. Yet here you are still with him, accepting it every time. You're telling him loud and clear that you DO accept his treatment of you. And you shouldn't, because it's utterly disgraceful and by no means good enough for you.

Please get yourself and DC2 away.

You are not overreacting! This is utterly appalling behaviour and you would be totally justified in leaving him. Some people are angrier than others but this is clearly outside of the normal spectrum. Even if not to save yourself, your DC2 should not grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour.

This will not be easy but in the long run DC2 will understand why you had to leave. The situation with DC1 sounds dreadful as well but perhaps with some time to mature they will also understand.

No, he won't leave. That's for sure and certain. He doesn't recognise the abuse and thinks I'm exaggerating.

The restraint involved stopping me exiting the room and once holding my hands.

Right now, I've moved into spare room where I intend to remain. The lease for our rental (we are both on the lease) ends in July. I think that's the point where we go our separate ways.

I know this is not a loving relationship even though obviously there are good things or I wouldn't have stayed 20+ years..But he clearly has so much anger and hatred towards me that comes up in an argument and it's like a gut punch every time.

Could your older child's mental ill health have anything to do with living in a toxic home and experiencing domestic abuse from their father?? I am glad you've decided to split. Don't wait until July. Do you have a break clause?

He is an abusive man despite the fact he won’t admit it. It’s a common bullying tactic to put all the blame onto the other person so his anger is always going to be your fault whatever you say. I am hazarding a guess that he is allowing DC1 to manipulate him because it suits his purposes. Think divide and rule. He is now bringing the younger child into it. Why are you hanging on until July? I’d get my child out of there as soon as possible. I witnessed this kind of behaviour at home as a child along with physical violence. It is terrifying to see that sort of rage directed at your mother and has done untold damage. You are a victim of domestic abuse I’m sad to say but I hope you can find the strength to leave.

No, it's not like that.

But husband setting himself up in saviour role for DC1 has given him the green light to behave like this to me. He's always had issues with control during arguments and would say very hurtful things (to me) but it's got worse as DC's mental health issues have got worse to the point where now there seem to be no filters. It's fucked up.

Plus the strain from dealign with anorexia puts many marriages under, I know this from the various support groups.

DC's messages and pressure are intense. I know that, it has sometimes been the other way. Threats of suicide and self harm. DC doesn't realise the harm it's doing because it works for their purposes, that's all they are focusing on in the moment.

So yesterday when I told him he'd lost control with the shouting and it's not OK, it became basically
"how dare you call me out on shouting when you have nearly killed DC as you have no control"

But he'd never discussed with me anything in the couple of days which had passed since the DC1 incident other than telling me they'd sent these messages. It just comes out as rage at me, trigerred by the smallest thing

I have no doubt there are pressures from DC’s messages but it is totally unacceptable to take it out on you.You know that but I get the sense you are trying to find a rational explanation for his rages. There won’t be one as it is an irrational response to blame you rather than sharing the problem and talking it through as a couple. Think of the younger child. They have a sibling with severe mental health issues and a father who rages. It’s a toxic environment for them, surely you can see that.

DC2 mostly doesn't see it. The nasty arguments don't happen in front of them for the most part. And, as I said, it's not happening frequently. So it's not a constant feature for them.

But, actually, the fact that this happened now in front of DC2 and that he had no barriers to say such things in front of them is the straw that broke the camel's back and why I have made the very difficult decision to leave (it's really really not easy after such a long time and, as I said, there also has been a lot of good stuff in the marriage, if it was all bad it'd be easy to make the decision). He's said such things before to me but not in front of DC. I don't want DC to think this is normal and I feel I need to role model what needs to be done.

I am indeed trying to find a reason for the hatred and anger and I'm certain it is aorund husband casting himself in the role of having to save DC1 from me (he's said as much before - he's the hero and I'm the villain in this story). It doesn't mean I think it's right. I don't, I think it's totally fucked up.

My parents didn’t row in front of me but I still heard it and would lie silently in my bed imagining terrible things were happening, which of course sometimes they were. I can’t bear rows to this day. I do understand how hard it is to leave, especially when there are good times too. My mum never managed it and I’ve got mixed feelings about that to be honest. I’m going to sleep now but I hope some other people come on tomorrow to maybe give you a different perspective or some advice and support.