How to separate from DH?

[Wantadiv0rce]

As the user name suggests, I want to leave DH. I just don't know where to start though. Hoping those who've been through it can share what they did.

Money wise I'm the higher earner. We have a joint account that all money goes into. My first plan is to get my wages paid elsewhere and separate the finances. DH will never be able to manage them on his own though (he doesn't ever bother logging in to the accounts and has no clue what his on and out).

I will have to continue to pay the mortgage for a while which means I'll be limited in getting another place. I've started looking on rightmove at cheap places to rent locally but alternative option is to stay with my mum for a while. We have a holiday home I can go and live in but we're not allowed to use it until the spring now (winter shut down on caravan site). So I've got a few months to cover.

DC will be staying with DH for now whilst I find something more permanent. My mum's place and the holiday home are both too far away for them to go the school.

How do I work out how much to give DH in maintenance (on top of the mortgage)? And should I keep paying half of mobile, Sky, Broadband etc?

We've lived to our means but without my higher earnings I don't think DH will be able to keep everything on.

Anything else I need to sort?

What really annoys me is DH mum lives 5 mins away and he could move in there and we could both see the DC but he refuses so I have to go several hours away until I can afford somewhere closer.

Could you separate within the home for now, unless abuse is involved? One of you in the spare room or in with one of the kids for example? Then you could both stay in the home until it's able to be sold.

Why would the children stay with him? If you are the higher earner, paying the mortgage, why not offer to pay for a rental for him whilst the divorce proceedings go through?

so I have to go several hours away until I can afford somewhere closer why several hours away?

Because he just will not leave the house. I can't physically kick him out (well I could but would probably get arrested for manhandling him out ivy the street).

No physical abuse so I could stay in the spare room but I just can't put up with his behaviour any more.

We have a spare room that isn't currently a bedroom (it's a study) so I could turn that into a bedroom to bide some time

Because those are the places where I could get free accommodation (DM or out holiday home).

I am looking for cheap rentals locally too but I just don't know how I'll afford them at the moment

Just to add, I have no concerns about the children in his care. I'm the main earner and he the main carer whilst I work. Not traditional but it works for us.

Using the spare room is a good idea.

You will have to find ways of putting up with his behaviour when ever you communicate for decades so you could practise doing that while you save extra for your permanent move.

I’d use the spare room . Sort your own single bank account and ask for his share of the bills by half. Also half the up keep for the kids .
Then get the house up for sale .
Do not leave .
He won’t leave but you get to pay for everything , leave your kids and live miles away out your home.

No way !

That's why I've stayed so long 😞 I'm just at the end of my tether now but I think I will move to the spare room and get things sorted

I need him to buck up his ideas and the only way he'll do that is if I show him I'm serious and take action.

He loves to bury his head in the sand and ignore things. He did that with his family and the consequences were fatal in the end. I can't control that side of things, him and his family can do what they want but I can control what happens to me and my family.

It is possible to set up a spare room for a while. Months even.
Kettle, mini fridge and microwave.
Small washing up bowl to ferry crockery and cutlery up and downstairs.
Shop for yourself, totally seperate cupboard.
Use washing machine or oven when he isn't in the house/kitchen.
Bolt for door so he can't accidently barge in.
No shared trips, no supermarket shops together. No film nights or meals.
No getting dressed in the main bedroom.
No walking out the bathroom with a towel wrapped around you.
Treat him like a room mate. Concentrate on dc and your plans.
Practice saying "I'll think about it and let you know" don't be drawn into arguments or discussions.

But the first thing you do is get to a solicitor. Get yourself informed. You don't have to act on it. If I remember, you need marriage certificate, proof of id and a rough time line(house purchase/dc) and broad financial picture.

Get a good solicitor, and soon.

@Wantadiv0rce I need him to buck up his ideas and the only way he'll do that is if I show him I'm serious and take action.

And you do that by getting a good solicitor.

Do you own the house outright? If so, would it be possible for you to sell up and thereby, by default, evict DH?

If you're paying for anything for him personally, such as a mobile phone contract, cancel the contract (even if there is a penalty to do so).

We jointly own it. Mortgaged

Don't think I can sell without his agreement? He won't agree to it

Oh, ok. Another reason to get a really good divorce solicitor.

How old are your children? Either parent moving so far from dependent children is shitty imo.

While it’s more rare these days he could ask the court to delay a sale so he can stay in house with dc as main carer. He could ask for spousal maintenance for a period to rebuild career. He can also drag the court process / sale out for about 18 months. If you moved out he would likely get 60%+ of assets as sole carer on lower income with restricted employment. You really need legal advice. Don’t move away from your dc that will harm them much more than their parents separating. I don’t think parents who move away realise how much they give up not doing the mundane day to day stuff. It changes the relationship from a parent/child close bond to being like a favourite relative or godparent - someone important to them but more distant and a relationship they trust less.

You shouldn’t do anything until you get legal advice. Don’t pay voluntary maintenance either without advice. You need to be careful what you do now doesn’t adversely affect any settlement or your long term prospects. For example if you go live with your Mum he will be a lower earning, resident parent, in the former marital home. Risk you could end up paying child maintenance, spousal maintenance and a mesher order being put in place meaning he gets to stay in the home until a trigger date such as when youngest turns 18. You need to be fair but smart if the marriage is over.