Seeking opinions

[doingwhaticann]

Hi everyone :)

I 35(m) have been in a relationship of 6.5 years with my current fiance 33(f).

I would like to state that I love her to pieces and do as much as I can physically and emotionally for her. In general she also does the same back.

Last weekend an incident occured where she checked my instagram and saw I had reacted to a girls story with a flame emoji. Context here, I know the girl old colleage and we have stayed in touch loosley on big life events. For example when we got engaged she messaged saying congrats, when she was pregnant and gave birth, when her dad died and her dog I engaged her. All via the story posts and all very much just friendly. She has had a bf (dad of her now kid) longer than I have know her.

Anyway, last week she posted a selfie and caption saying off to christmas thing with the fam. I just kind of had a quick thought of like nice photo and what a nice day, knowing that her kid and man would be next to her in the car as its a fam day out. This wasn't a a response for attention or because I thought she was attractive.

I tried to explain this to my partner but she just will not believe it and I did say and do accept the optics look bad and apologised. Further, I have other friends/people I know both male ans female that I respond to stories to. Just like I see a female friend crushing her fitness journey, so responsed saying crushing it or good progress 💪. Then I message one saying happy bday (who is a mutal friend) and male wise I have mates doing awesome things like there own business or martial arts so I respond.

Anyway, she says she looks at my phone all the time and has seen similiar before but let it slide. I don't recall sending loads of story responses but if I do its just like friendly and everyone knows im with my partner, as I post her more than anyone lol.

So as part of her response to me she has started digging out my childhood as it quite tough (bad step parents). She also flies off the handle as well in general and is very difficult to have a normal conversation with. It never used to be this way and she has for several months been under alot of work stress.

I really want to make sure I can re assure her that its nothing. I have deleted essentially all people I was following and showed her but she wanted to check my phone and saw a DM from a male friend and he fancies a certain celeb so to entertain him I just replied "i reckon she likes eye contact" as I know it gets him. So I bantered with him and she was hurt by that but I never meant any hurt either. I apologised of course but also feel like all mens messages or group chats at some point have banter in as there is always a lad we know like that.

So I guess I am just typing this part as therapy as I feel terrible but also as a call for help, as I want to make sure she knows there is no one else and never was.

So opinions welcome...

As a married female, if a male I knew whether he was in a relationship or not, sent me a fire emoji I would think he was trying to flirt with me and found me attractive. So I 100% understand your partners pov here.

Having that said, it’s weird she checks your phone so frequently, it doesn't appear that there is much trust there? She appears to be quite insecure and your insta story replies are doing nothing to help

It’s fine to talk to other women and congratulate on fitness goals etc but sending emojis as you have is crossing the line imo.

I think you need to think a bit more about how your responses might come across but she also needs to learn to trust you because without that what is there?

Unless you're in some kind of kinky relationship where you have a mistress/slave thing going on, I'd run for the hills.

No one should be checking your phone or telling you who you can or can't like on social media. She 'let it slide'? Who does she think she is?

Why do you want to be with someone so controlling who doesn't afford you any privacy? And now you're on your knees begging forgiveness and have deleted all your friends.

I'd cut her loose

Hey

Thanks for the reply. I agree and at the time because I was not at all thinking in a flirty sense or anything of that kind. I never really considered it, but on reflection and having spoke to my partner, I can see it was wrong and I fully own it.

The overall responses I give to friends or people I know and follow are typically just clapping hands or bloody strong arms followed by some text like "awesome stuff" or "happy for you". There isn't anything where I am activley thinking how can I flirt and I often use the flame emoji for like my male mates on posting holiday stories or on a date night with. Like I think I view the flame emoji as more this is lit rather than something sexual.

However, learn from experience my view on the world isn't how everyone else sees it and I just need to learn from this.

As for her checking my phone, I have no idea but I haven't got anything im hiding and if I was upto no good by sounds of it see would of seen alot of stuff by now but hasnt because im not doing anything malicious or seeking to be unfaithful lol.

Thanks for you response and perspective!

Hey,

I don't intend to cut her loose at all, this actually something I have never imagined being an issue and I never ever thought she would check my phone tbh. I think I have learnt she is currently a little more insecure, not sure why but this certaintly hasnt helped her.

I do agree that no one should tell you what to do and not to do. However, on this occassion I am willing to see it out and just be mindful going forward.

Like I say she is awesome and this is just surprising so im not going to be cutting her off, she is literally the love of my life. It's a rough moment and as long as it doesnt grow into a consistent behaviour it will be fine, at least I think so...

You do not know her as well as you think you do.

What is her family background like, if there is abuse I would not be surprised.

Men can be abused too and you certainly are. Your life with her will not improve going forward because she will further ramp up the power and control against you.

Checking your phone is just the beginning, she is not going to stop at just that.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. You are not and have never been responsible for her actions.

If a man tells me I look hot, he's flirting anx probably fancies me

If a man tells me I look nice, he's being kind and friendly

I'm surprised that you appear not to know your partner and her insecurities after so long together

As a married female, if a male I knew whether he was in a relationship or not, sent me a fire emoji I would think he was trying to flirt with me and found me attractive. So I 100% understand your partners pov here.

Totally agree on this point.

What incident led to her checking your phone?

If she is checking your phone it is because she is feeling insecure. Some couples would never do this as it crosses a boundary for them, some will do it as routine as it works for them and they are both fine with it, some will do it occasionally in moments of paranoia. Some do it for control and abuse.

Only you know which you are happy with and which applies to you.

What you both (if you do want to work on this with her and she is otherwise respectful towards you, treats you well and is not controlling or abusive) need to get to the bottom of is why she is feeling insecure.

Have you both discussed your needs in the relationship and if they are being met? Is she feeling unloved or overlooked in a way you are not aware of?

The flame emoji would have really upset me personally, made me feel like my DP attention was elsewhere and that he didnt respect me. He would have a hard time convincing me that it wasnt flirting, because I wouldnt post one unless I was being flirtatious and I cant believe that someone doesnt know thats what it means...but I know some people it wouldn't register with or bother them.

We all carry our own demons and levels of sensitivity, our own frame of reference as to what actions/words/emojis mean. I think insecurity seeps in when two people have very different perspectives. Really, really good open communication, love and respecting what one another needs is essential to make it work if so.

The other thing I’d say is that my dp is really good at reassuring me with words…but his actions often don't match them. I’d hazard that things like the flame emoji might be your dp’s own example of this, maybe?

I could never be engaged to anyone who used emojis, so this whole scarily is preposterous to me. Ugh.

Attila, you are always very spot on with your advice, you have helped so many people and I’m normally in full agreement with you. But on this one I think you might be wrong. I dont think it ALWAYS leads down that path. I know perfectly well adjusted men and women who have had a sneek peak in a bad moment of insecurity. Who have then not at all gone on to be controlling or abusive.

A quick look on the relationships board will show a LOT of women and men on here suggest checking a partners phone at the first sign of trouble. Its a real minefield.

Phones and social media are a bloody nightmare for modern relationships.

She also flies off the handle as well in general and is very difficult to have a normal conversation with. It never used to be this way and she has for several months been under alot of work stress.

On rerad though op. This is not ok. Is she like it just with you? This is what I’d be looking at. Communication needs to be respectful. Both ways. Active listening needs to happen, both ways. If you look at your communication in general are you both managing this? If not I’d be considering outside help, as something is clearly up.

The flame emoji: well if it was from a gay male friend I'd just take it as a compliment, from a straight guy I'd be cautious but if it was part of a totally innocent pattern not worry (but my work team all regularly send each other hearts, guys and women, senior and junior, and not in an especially creative field).
I do find your girlfriend going through your phone all the time worrying.
A) she doesn't trust you
B) is she looking for drama? Or deflecting her own behaviour?

If she was a man people might be suspecting she is cheating herself.

By sending the flame emoji you are telling someone they are hot, I would be having words with my dh if I saw him send that to a woman too.

She shouldn't have been going through your phone in the first place and you'll need to get some boundaries in place around that asap.

I have to ask though, if you feel like she's become insecure out of nowhere, is it possible you could have made some other mistakes like this? If you're naive enough about social media to not realise reacting to a woman's selfie with the flame emoji is letting her know you think she's hot (this seems quite obvious?), I wonder if she might have been made aware of you slipping up in similar ways elsewhere.

I'd probably feel a little insecure if I found out my partner had been signalling interest to women online, even if he then told me he didn't realise that's what he was doing. And as what this means feels like common knowledge, it would be hard to believe that he really didn't know what that signifies. This kind of thing, minor as it may seem to you, can really rattle the trust in a relationship.

I hope I am wrong tinyhousemousse but on the other hand I could be correct ins that the OP is in an abusive relationship with his fiancee.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of. It is about power and control.

Many people as well suffer work stress and do not choose to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. This is who she is and her family background has likely played a huge part in this too.

A lot of people look at the other person's phone if there are suggestions of cheating behaviour. Keeping tabs on them otherwise like the OPs fiancee is doing is controlling and such behaviour is abusive.

OP the price to staying with her is too high. You have changed some of your behaviours already so as not to incur her wrath. Do not continue to contort yourself into a pretzel to pacify this woman. She does not treat other people in the outside world like this towards you. No it is for you that such is aimed at.

I am not sure what incident or if there even was one. I was downstairs making us a cup of tea, I left my phone upstairs and she had a look...

I think for me as I didn't think of it as I want to let you know your hot, but more of a nice pic and the caption was about a family day out, I just kind of reacted to it, rather mindless of me.

The person this was to was like long standing person I know. We often like each others pictures of family, posts of one another respective partners. It isn't in any way recieved by either or us anything other than a friendly interaction. I am not attracted in that way, but its cool to see she is happy. I just chose the wrong emoji and it was the wrong one.

As for insecurity due to me I am not sure. I tell her everyday how stunning she is, I am always sexually attracted to her, like always. I never leave her doubting how pretty she is because shes so hot to me.

She has always been pretty chill and secure. When she calms down further ill talk again to her.

I have reiterated I have no desire to cheat or anything like that. This was a poor lapse in judgement and I won't do it again that is for sure!

I have no problem with her calling me out and I have fully accepted the responsibility of it. I am just struggling to get her to understand it wasn't sent with intent for me to get attention, as it wasnt and I dont want it either. I forgot I reacted that way as quick as I clicked the button.

Yeah when I use emojis to friends/loose connections I am pretty univerisal with them. I have sent a flame emoji when I see my mate post his holiday, or if a male friend posts a story of him and his mrs on a date night. I engage more men than women tbh, my profile picture is me and my fiance, my grid is 90% here. I talk about her to most people so im not here looking to cheat, im just engaging people on social media when I see something cool or happy in terms of there life

Communication was good, but for example in this instance I tried to just explain my thinking behind how I interpreted the post and my reaction. She just speaks louder and says its BS and shuts me down. I am a pretty calm person and like to have time before responding so I can think things through. I dont mind accepting being in the wrong like now for instance. However, I find whenever I try to explain myself and goes against my SO view/belief she gets angry OR if we ever have a niggle where I say "I think on reflection, perhaps you were wrong because..." never really a good outcome.

👌

Hey thanks for the response.

You know it makes me really sad that she is insecure because I am head over heels. She never used to be secure and only recently mentioned it. I think there are some reasons but I always ask her how she is feeling and re ssure her its ok and I love her just the same. She is mainly insecure about dry skin/eczema that flares up. I have always seen past it and barely notice it but I always ask her about it and if she needs cream ill go buy her some etc.

Like I have said in other posts the person I sent it to likes pictures of me and my SO. I do the same on her and her guy and there family pics. There isnt anything flirty its just (in my mind when I sent it) a friendly interaction that it was a nice pic and they were going out as a family which I thought was nice.

I don't really care that she goes on my phone as I don't have anything I have sent with bad intentions and I dont have anything sent to me that is crossing the line.

Why a fire emoji though? Wrong signal
that as it means hot..