Dysfunctional Families

[GoingOffScript]

In the past 4 years, I’ve divorced, had the death of both parents and a very close friend whom I’ve turned to over the years. She was like a sister. I’ve moved house and am now working part time in a job I like and have made new friends (more like acquaintances) who know me as a happy 50+ lady who’s been through the mill but, trying hard to come out the other side.

I’ve spent Christmas with my sister who is my only remaining family member. I love her and though we’re very different, we are fundamentally “there” always, for each other.

Christmas was lovely, spending time with her. However, her own adults kids are difficult and very different to me. Or indeed, anyone I know. There’s drugs, alcoholism, violence. There’s no family engagement. My 28yr old nephew was drunk when I arrived, appeared briefly for Christmas lunch, then went to bed for 24hrs. His brother and girlfriend were just floating about in a haze of weed; didn’t show for the turkey and we all just smile throughout, like it’s just normal. They break the law (don’t want to go into detail) and I try my best to concentrate on the fact that, I can’t have much of a relationship with them but… I support my sister and she supports me.

We’ve had a huge row. I’ve told her my feelings about all of it. Every few months, we go through the same thing, for the past 20+ years. The police are often called. Arrests made. Driving bans mean nothing… they just carry on driving with no insurance etc.

I’ve said I'm done. I cannot listen to any more when my sister is so upset and gets no help and isn’t in good health. She tells me how dreadful it all is and I give my advice and not only does nothing change, it get worse and the incidents get more frequent.

Part of me is terribly sad but a part of me is relieved that I’m done with trying to advise and support.

Any advice for me? She is my only living relative.

I'd stop going to hers. It doesn't seem as if her kids would miss her if she came to you for Christmas next year and at least you'd have a peaceful day.

Mine isn't as bad as that, but I've definitely had my share of dramatic christmasses over the years and very drunken relatives too. Not fun drunk either sadly.

What can your sister change now? They are adults and make their own choices. It can be hard when adult children make decisions and choose lifestyles that we don't agree with, but that's their decision in the end. She probably just needed a listening ear.

Now that you've told her what you really think, there might not be any coming back from that.

Step back and let her come to you. I wouldn’t go there again, it’s all too much drama.

It’s not that drinking happens as it’s a special occasion. It’s a constant. And the weed and the coke. I’m told “everyone does it; wealthy people are the worst”. I’ve come away from the situation once in the past but, as I say, she is my only relative. The adult kids are still at home.

I grew up with drama. Everything in her family (not the drugs) so I know that good people can have addictions and difficulties. It’s the endless cycle that I find so hard.

@PreferMyAnimals Nothing WILL change. I listen to her about the situation but if I say “you could do/try this or that” it all just blows over. Until the next time.

What exactly are you trying to achieve? Your sister knows they take drugs and get in trouble with the police.

Were you pointing out their behaviour on Christmas day as though she hadn't noticed?

When she comes to you for advice signpost her to Al Anon which is support for people with addicts in their lives. She can obviously put down boundaries such as no drugs in the house but evidently doesn't want to.

Pointing out the obvious to her is unhelpful. If you don't want to see her children then invite her to yours.

If she brings it up again tell her about Al Anon then change the subject.

The point is, she doesn't want those pointers. She probably just needs someone to nod and say, "Yes, that's hard." In the end, there's not much your sister can really do anyway. These are adults. Any change has to come from them. Your sister probably feels a bit helpless here.

You’re right. And I have listened, for 20 plus years. It’s the alcohol and the “it’s about to kick off any minute” stuff that’s awful. And she’s so so sad but I can’t help. If I nod and keep my mouth shut I’m not helping. If I speak out, I’m not helping.

There's nothing wrong with you setting boundaries on the support you can offer or what you will accept. If you don't want to go for Christmas or listen as much, that's up to you. As others have suggested, direct her to a support group where people will understand the journey.

From what you wrote though, it sounds like you voiced judgement? Sorry if I'm wrong but that's the part I think might be hard to bridge.

Unfortunately with the best will in the world it is hard to hear this stuff on a loop and not be affected, as you clearly are.

It is affecting you.
Tell her you love her but you need to mind your own tired mental health.

You have had a brutal few years, don't take your mental health for granted.
It is often the small things that can snap it.

Step back and save yourself.
You cannot save your sister.

She would not be interested or join a support group. She actually doesn’t have time because she has so much on with work and looking after grown kids. She supports them all financially to the point where she’s juggling credit cards; she’s always there when one of them gets arrested or is drunk driving and totals a car. It’s not good but for them, it’s all in a day’s work.

I feel that if she didn’t tell me everything, it’d be easier but it’s like when you have a close friend and they tell you all the bad stuff about their relationship. You listen and make suggestions but don’t say too much because they’re a couple and live together and people have ups and downs. When something really bad happens and they split up, you might share your honest opinion only to find they’re reconciled soon after. That’s me, I listen and suggest and when she’s really upset I’ll say. “Enough with this/that… FFS DO something!” Then, a week later, it’s all settled again and I’m the bad guy.

And, she has supported me through a long and bitter divorce. I wouldn’t be here now, without her.

They are my family and believe it or not, I love them but… enough!!

But… is it ME? Maybe I ought to have posted in AIBU! My family seem to think it’s me “looking down” on them. Don’t so called normal families have conversations and interact at get togethers? It’s just never happened in my family. It’s often than not rowing, horrible lewd comments, my sister doing everything and when she asks for a little help it’s a flat “No”. I don’t understand it.