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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hidden Debt Hidden Alcoholic

14 replies

CamelGirl · 29/12/2024 21:20

Hello,

In desperate need of some impartial advice as I'm really struggling and been hit for 6 the last 12 months.

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a 2 yr old child together. Before we had our wonderful baby I was under the impression that we had a good strong relationship with no real issues. Since the baby arrived my partner has totally changed. They're snappy and quite aggressive in nature. I found out in February that they were secretly drinking and were constantly lying to my face when I confronted them asking if they'd been drinking. They even sweared on loved ones lives whilst looking me dead in the eye. Turned out they were drinking and they have confronted the issue and joined AA and not had a drop since (as far as I'm aware)

Then 10 days ago at a mortgage advisor appointment (we're in the process of moving house) I found out they were in 33k debt and I was told it was 13k 7 yrs ago and that they'd been reducing it ever since. I can't cope with the betrayal. They said they'd get a second job and do everything in their power to make everything right again even giving me access to their credit report etc. So we were trying to move forward. Then yesterday we were talking about our issues and my partner started hiding their phone and acting oddly. Turns out they were recording our conversation!!! Who does that and for what purpose?!?

I feel like all trust has gone but I don't want to split my family up and they are a good parent and usually a good partner. What should I do... I feel so broken?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/12/2024 21:25

They're an addict. To spending, maybe gambling, to alcohol, to lying.

Walk away.

Porkyporkchop · 29/12/2024 21:29

Yep. Agree with PP - this is not getting any better. Do not agree to any unsupervised contact with your child for gods sake.

Lucyloo42 · 29/12/2024 22:41

Unfortunately definite addict behaviour , I wouldn’t rule out drugs either as a possibility , I’m so sorry your facing this, take care of yourself - please prioritise yourself even if that doesn’t sit naturally right with you x

DoodlesMam · 29/12/2024 22:52

walk away before you get sucked down the black hole

Doggymummar · 29/12/2024 22:55

I'm sorry I was caught like this too. It's awful. Divorce as soon as you can.

ClareBlue · 29/12/2024 22:57

Addiction in denial if they think you are getting mortgages with hidden debt of 33K. It's a long road from here to regain trust, sort out adiction, sort out consequences and build financial security. Only you know if it's worth it.

Verysad1978 · 29/12/2024 23:06

Why are you using they/their?

Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 00:37

You say partner- good. All debt is his. Get rid and dont take him back

FuriousPoodle · 30/12/2024 00:40

Don’t get a mortgage with this person.

glittercunt · 30/12/2024 00:41

Verysad1978 · 29/12/2024 23:06

Why are you using they/their?

Why does it matter?

CamelGirl · 30/12/2024 01:17

FuriousPoodle · 30/12/2024 00:40

Don’t get a mortgage with this person.

Yes we have a mortgage but thankfully I got a declaration of trust to protect what I put in and the house sale goes through in January and if we stay together the next one will be solely in my name to financially protect mine and my child's future x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 30/12/2024 02:37

If he's run up £37k debt, lied your face and has an alcohol problem he is not a good partner FFS. Do not marry him. Keep your finances separate. You need to split up or he'll drag you down with him. He can still parent your DC if you split up.

Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 07:32

?? I dont understand what your asking for. Youve taken another mortgage on with this person? Moving in January meanwhile they are continuing into alcoholism and racking up debts. What if they lose their job due to drinking and are unable to pay the mortgage? What if they debt collectors call to reclaim their debt money? He’s a massive liability and a ticking time-bomb. Your willingly living like this yeah?

CamelGirl · 30/12/2024 18:32

Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 07:32

?? I dont understand what your asking for. Youve taken another mortgage on with this person? Moving in January meanwhile they are continuing into alcoholism and racking up debts. What if they lose their job due to drinking and are unable to pay the mortgage? What if they debt collectors call to reclaim their debt money? He’s a massive liability and a ticking time-bomb. Your willingly living like this yeah?

Tbf I only found out 10 days ago and no what I was saying was if I was to stay I would get the next home in my name as we aren't married

OP posts:
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