Mid-20s, never had a relationship and feeling like I never will

AvidBee · 2024-12-29T20:43:55+00:00

I've not had so much as a kiss. I had a couple of crushes at uni, but they never went anywhere. I'm overweight and that holds me back a lot. I'm reluctant to meet anyone from dating apps because I think they'll be turned off as soon as they see me in person. Anyone I do get on with, it seems to fizzle out within days. I don't work in a place with a huge amount of men. 95% of the men at work are married. I don't meet anyone at the gym etc. I just feel like it'll never happen. I finally feel confident enough to meet up with people, but now nobody seems to want to meet up. I feel like I'm never going to have a relationship

Christmasgiraffe · 29/12/2024 20:52

I think online dating might be the answer here honestly. Lots of overweight people are in very happy relationships. As long as you put recent pictures on your profile, then I can't see why anyone would be disappointed?

I remember feeling like you do and it can be soul crushing. It's really hard. Don't give up though! You're young and you have plenty of time to meet someone!

Original poster

AvidBee · 29/12/2024 20:56

I'm on Tinder, nobody in my area seems to be on Bumble/Hinge.

I just feel at my wits end

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Cerialkiller · 29/12/2024 21:12

If your weight is effecting your confidence to this extent then you need to work either on the confidence (therapy) or the weight (diet? Injectables?). I do sympathise as I wasn't in a relationship until my mistake twenties, mostly because of confidence issues due to weight and general awkwardness from neurodiversity. I'm 37 now, married with two children so it's possible.

I have heard that paid-for dating sites have a better, more serious group of potential dates. Have you considered singles events? Speed dating?

Original poster

AvidBee · 29/12/2024 21:20

I've lost weight this year, and I'm continuing to do so, but I just don't think I am ever going to be in a relationship. Nothing ever seems to stick

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SereneCapybara · 29/12/2024 21:33

AvidBee · 29/12/2024 21:20

I've lost weight this year, and I'm continuing to do so, but I just don't think I am ever going to be in a relationship. Nothing ever seems to stick

It's really hard to hear this and believe it (I know because in my twenties I felt the same as you) but... the belief you will never meet someone is what is holding you back. It gives off two warning signs - low self esteem and desperation for 'a relationship' rather than interest in a specific person for their own sake. Neither of these are attractive. As a general rule, men like to believe that have found a good catch. Someone who will improve the life they currently live. A woman with low self esteem sends out messages that she isn't a catch, that she's not that choosy and that she'll need loads of reassurance. That's what puts men off, not a bit of extra weight.

Work on saying to yourself: 'I'm desirable and lovable. I like and love my own company. I'm ready if and when the right man comes along, to have a great romance.' I mean literally, say these to yourself - out loud, in the mirror, last thing at night, first thing in the morning, while you shower etc, until you stop feeling self conscious, ridiculous and stop feeling these comments are untrue. IME it feels really phoney and self-helpy and ridiculous for a few weeks and then suddenly it clicks and you start to believe it and get a buzz from it, and start behaving like you are lovable and happy in yourself. And then men respond. Once you genuinely believe you are lovable and likeable and capable of a relationship, you will be far more ready to meet someone. You may as well try this.

Carry on losing weight and getting fit, but tbh, faith in yourself is what matters. I was at my slimmest in my twenties and never met a man. When I finally stopped thinking there was something wrong with me, or that I was fundamentally unlovable, I met DH.

HangryExpert · 29/12/2024 21:34

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Original poster

AvidBee · 29/12/2024 21:54

SereneCapybara · 29/12/2024 21:33

It's really hard to hear this and believe it (I know because in my twenties I felt the same as you) but... the belief you will never meet someone is what is holding you back. It gives off two warning signs - low self esteem and desperation for 'a relationship' rather than interest in a specific person for their own sake. Neither of these are attractive. As a general rule, men like to believe that have found a good catch. Someone who will improve the life they currently live. A woman with low self esteem sends out messages that she isn't a catch, that she's not that choosy and that she'll need loads of reassurance. That's what puts men off, not a bit of extra weight.

Work on saying to yourself: 'I'm desirable and lovable. I like and love my own company. I'm ready if and when the right man comes along, to have a great romance.' I mean literally, say these to yourself - out loud, in the mirror, last thing at night, first thing in the morning, while you shower etc, until you stop feeling self conscious, ridiculous and stop feeling these comments are untrue. IME it feels really phoney and self-helpy and ridiculous for a few weeks and then suddenly it clicks and you start to believe it and get a buzz from it, and start behaving like you are lovable and happy in yourself. And then men respond. Once you genuinely believe you are lovable and likeable and capable of a relationship, you will be far more ready to meet someone. You may as well try this.

Carry on losing weight and getting fit, but tbh, faith in yourself is what matters. I was at my slimmest in my twenties and never met a man. When I finally stopped thinking there was something wrong with me, or that I was fundamentally unlovable, I met DH.

Show quote history

This is really good advice, thank you 🩷 I think it's just a feeling of insecurity, all of my friends have very active love lives and I don't.

I've also heard the line "I know someone who would be perfect for you, but, you know..." with this sort of sad look, which I can only take to mean my weight would be a turn off.

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buttonousmaximous · 29/12/2024 22:08

I'd say definitely on line it's an opportunity to chat to people before meeting. They see your photos and will chat if they are interested. Not everyone is fixated on slim.

If tinder isn't working maybe look at some others.

Years ago (like 35) I met a woman at work lovely person but she was obese, struggled with dating. She put an add in the personal column of the local paper, described herself as cuddly. Met her husband to be and was happily married.

helpmyback · 29/12/2024 22:29

Some great advice

In My mid 20s was a size 14/16 in my and though my whole life was about my weight and how overweight I was ( I have struggled and been bigger size 20 and smaller) could never understand why I was single. I think crushingly low self esteem and poor confidence and a sense of "what is wrong with me" I started dating in apps and just meeting people is quite fun and never had any weird experience some great men and some "oh my god how did I end up with this one" (sort of people you just would never speak to)

You do have to be picky and be prepared to travel if you live out of a city. Also it's not instant but also it could be instant!

The gym helps with self esteem as does mixing with people. A few nice male acquaintances helped too. One was a colleague and one a boyfriend of a friend. They helped me a lot just by boosting my esteem.

How overweight are you? People of all shapes and size have fulfilling relationships. You really have to break this.

You friends are pretty cruel saying there is a "perfect guy for you but.. you know " No I don't know. But you could just say oh no tell me more I'm interested!

Original poster

AvidBee · 30/12/2024 09:55

I'm anywhere between a size 16 and 20, depending on which clothing company I buy from, currently sat in some 14-16 pyjamas (which I know don't really count, but still).

I'm down from a size 28 at the start of the year, so I am really losing the weight.

I'm talking to a few guys at the moment, it's just getting past this stage to the actually meeting up and progressing things that I struggle with. I feel like things always fizzle out by that point.

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helpmyback · 30/12/2024 11:09

Oh wow that is amazing well done.

Just keep loving a good life friends, family sport, home, work keep busy when you can. What do you love? What excites you? Or fascinates you?

Loneliness is soul crushing and I've been there, festive season doesn't help.

I think being a size 28 to size 14 is really a huge adjustment and would be worth seeking some counselling around this. You must have lost at least 5 stone!

Original poster

AvidBee · 30/12/2024 11:23

helpmyback · 30/12/2024 11:09

Oh wow that is amazing well done.

Just keep loving a good life friends, family sport, home, work keep busy when you can. What do you love? What excites you? Or fascinates you?

Loneliness is soul crushing and I've been there, festive season doesn't help.

I think being a size 28 to size 14 is really a huge adjustment and would be worth seeking some counselling around this. You must have lost at least 5 stone!

5 stone 3.5 pounds!

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