Hello,
I need some advice. A bit of context: I (35F) met a guy (35M) when I was 17 and due to my own insecurities and generally not feeling good enough for him, I pushed him away. In my head I think I was pushing him away before he left me. I always regretted it. But was too embarrassed and was convinced he hated me so I didn't reach out. I thought, this is my bed I need to lie in it. I always hoped that he was happy. Always wished him love. He moved on, he got married and had children. Again, although I was sad at what could've been between us I was happy for him.
After years of focusing on my career at the expense of my personal life and a few failed relationships later I'd almost come to the conclusion that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, but again I'd sacrificed meeting and building anything with anyone for my career, so this was my bed so I had to lie in it. Again.
Fast forward almost 19 years and this guy literally slid into my dm's. I thought hmm, what is this about. He is happily married and never thought I even crossed his mind. Turns out I'd never left his mind. We had both been thinking about each other all these years. Both in love with each other but had resigned ourselves to the fact that we were each others 'the one that got away'. I was skeptical as to why he was reaching out now. He told me that his marriage had been very controlling and he had recently separated so thought he'd reach out to see how I was as he was now allowed social media and to speak to other females. His family always knew my name as I was brought up from time to time. Because of this, his ex wife knew my name and we only found out when we reconnected that she had changed my name in his phone to a very derogatory term and blocked my number. Another way of trying to control him in my opinion.
We then spoke every day - it was like no time had passed. We arranged to meet a few months down the line. I wanted to be sure he was emotionally ready and not on the rebound. This meeting then sparked the start of a relationship. After entering into the relationship with trepidation and caution, I let my guard down and thought why am I so hesitant, don't push him away again. So decided I was in.
Fast forward a few months of meeting on average every 4/5 weeks (we do not live near each other) and his divorce getting more messy, he starts to pull away. We'd discussed in the past how he shuts down and doesn't talk. He acknowledged that he should open up and talk to me. He told me I should push myself into his head if I felt the need to. So that coupled with not wanting to repeat the pattern of walking away again - I did not want to walk away just because things had got hard. I was in for the good and the bad. After another couple of months of him retreating further. Communication becoming very sporadic on his part. I asked how best to support him but didn’t received a direct answer. So I did what I thought was best. I kept contact as I didn't want him to think, oh she's left again, she doesn't care. Plus him previously telling me to essentially not give up. I would message just to check on him every week or so. Trying to give him space but not drop him completely. After he then stopped responding to these messages, I messaged saying that I didn't want to walk away because things got hard. That I believe in us and I don't want to give up but that I needed to clarify as to where I stood. He responded saying that he needed to sort the 'mess out'. The divorce. I acknowledged the message but left it there. I didn’t want to put pressure by asking how things were so I didn't ask any questions or anything. A few days after this I wake up to discover that I have been blocked.
I don't know how to deal with this. I am trying to tell myself his behaviour is not a reflection of how he feels about me. But a reaction to the stress of his divorce. Or maybe she is threatening access to the kids. This happened with his parents and he’s petrified that history will repeat itself and she will take the kids away if she gets wind that he is seeing someone. But being blocked feels personal. It's like a knife in my heart. We had spoken about life. About spending it with each other. About having children. About me moving to be closer to him at some point in the new year.
I always felt that an implosion was going to come. He seemed too ‘fine’ and so I would check in and ask whether he needed space or was ready for something with me. He said no he didn’t need space and wanted us to work. So I always tried to never apply pressure, the only thing I asked was that he be honest with me. Be transparent. Despite me trying to be communicative, I always felt like he would disappear. Shatter like glass. That every time I saw him would be my last. So I treated him like glass. Pushed my feelings to the side.
What's mad is that, deep down. Deep in my gut I feel like things will all work out. Like we will live a happy life together. It's not an image I am forcing. It's a feeling. Like it’s the natural order of things.
So I guess my question is/are; have I not been understanding enough? Have I done something to push him away? Maybe I should’ve backed off ages ago but that felt like running away again. In hindsight I should’ve said, reach out when the divorce is through but he said he was ready. So I don’t know. Is it personal? And am I delusional to feel like things will work out once he's got out of his own head and a clearer path sorted? I might be stupid to feel this way given, when I look objectively he hasn't necessarily treated me with the respect I deserve. But is it delusional or is there something in a gut feeling?
If you've made it to the end of this, thank you. Essentially any advice would be appreciated as currently I am heartbroken. Heartbroken and confused.