Feeling so miserable

[YukoandHiro]

Together 17 years, married 7. 7yo and 4yo together.
I'm miserable. As he's got older he's moody, snappy, tired all the time. Shows me so little affection. Definitely doesn't pull his weight with the full mental load but isn't useless either. Good job, works hard, I earn less but only work 4 days.

I know you will all say leave but I don't want that. I want my old husband back. The fun, more chilled one. Basically, pre-kids. He's older and has found it more exhausting. I've also found it more anxiety provoking than I expected and he gets fed up with my anxiety.

I've suggested joint therapy but he's not interested. He says a lot of my concerns are fiction - I've worked out that's because I'm expressing how things feels/come across rather than the actual act that I've been upset by.

I do not want to break up my family or lose 50 per cent of my children's lives. I meant my vows when I married. I'm going to seek solo therapy to help work through my issues. But I can't feel this uncherished for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. I'm just so sad. I feel like if we go on like this I'm going to burnout or just shut down and become totally impassive.

I don't really have a question... this is just a brain dump. Christmas is such a hard time. I always feel I'm judging our relationship against my parents who are still tight after 50 years.

Thank you @SapatSea - lots to consider there

Had to message because I am in such a similar situation. Been married over 10 years with 2 small children. Husband has had struggles with his career for last few years and he is clearly struggling with his self esteem and probably depressed. However he has also become very cold and shut off and is starting to show resentment towards me. He refuses to acknowledge there is any problem at all and has refused marriage counselling on many occasions. I am having counselling myself but I feel that it’s taking me towards leaving because it’s forcing me to look at myself and what I want in life. What’s hard for me is that he is always around, does his fair share in the house and is a good dad. He’s just so miserable, it’s dragging me down too.

It’s such a hard situation to be in because I could stay and it will be much harder to leave. But I am so unhappy and feel that staying is making him feel that it is acceptable to treat me like this. I’m going to get myself in a better place financially and prepared for a possible separation.

Hope you feel empowered to make the best decision for you. We only have one short life and you deserve to be happy.

So the day after this thread we had a big discussion and although I didn't feel heard in the moment, he really stepped up. The last two weeks have been so good. I knew it couldn't last.
He's just got in from work in the most appalling mood. Admits he's had a bad day but won't talk about it. Just stonewall treatment. You can feel his mood coming off him a mile away.
I've gone to bed immediately but it's like the last two weeks didn't happen. We're back to square one.
I know I shouldn't have to live like this. I thought he wanted to meet me in the middle and find ways to be that respect DHs

Posted too soon...
It should end: ".... respect both DH's and my different personalities but that also actually work for both of us, a compromise".

I've gone to bed. I know none of this is my fault - but somehow it feels like it.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a similar situation.

How are things for you this week?

DH has been so good with the kids this last fortnight (and me, but his relationship with them is just as important) and now it's like the switch has gone off and he's gone into cold, shutdown mode again.

Could you put forward to your DH that each weekend as a family you do one thing together, even if only 30mins - I would suggest a walk/exercise as it makes everyone feel better.

Your DH’s argument about your relationship being ok, that there’s nothing wrong, is totally invalidated by your (warranted) unhappiness - if one person in a two person partnership is unhappy, then the relationship can’t be working.

You ask why doesn’t he realise this - could he be depressed? Working and the routine of family life is exhausting for both parents and isn’t to be underestimated. When we were at your stage DH and I made sure we gave each other some time for exercise- for me I did a lot if street walking over the years. Is your DH physically and mentally healthy? I could always tell when my DH stopped his anti depression meds.
How old are you both?

I agree with the wise suggestions put forward by other posters on this thread.
I respect your desire to stay together- but at the end of the day this is all energy coming from you, not matched at all by him. Your kids may be witnessing your arguments too. Be open to the fact that despite your efforts your DH may not be willing and/or capable of change, and for your mental health and family wellbeing, a separation may be best for all concerned.