Hi everyone,
It's taken me a while to sign up to Mumsnet despite the wealth of advice I have read on here before.
I am a bit at a loss with my relationship. I have been with partner (he) for 14 years. We have a child together (boy nearly 3). 6 years ago I had an affair. It lasted 1 and a half years (although we were in contact for another 6 months until I blocked him). I chose to remain with my long-term partner. At the start of the affair I told my long term partner at the time about it but nothing really came out of that discussion. Once I terminated the affair, I did not tell my parter how long it had lasted. I then fell pregnant.
1 year and a half ago, I lost my grand mother whom I was really close to. My little boy was 1,5 at the time and I was still breastfeeding, doing all nights waking + working 3 days a week and I think that tipped me over and I told my partner everything about the affair.
He, understandably, took it really badly. However how bad is bad? For 6-9 months after I told him he would call me a whore, shout abuse at me etc (also nearly strangled me). It eventually calmed down, after I said I would leave because this nearly drove me to suicide.
However he said he wanted to make it work. We are now 18 months since I originally told him and he will still say every time we have an argument that I put the bare minimum in the relationship, that I am selfish, that I destroyed him and the reason he is like that is because of me, that I tricked him into having a child by lying about the affair then having a kid.
Today we had an argument were he kept demanding that I give him a kiss in the morning (which I had done but not straight up after getting up from bed keeping in mind that we have a high energy toddler and my focus was on my son). I got annoyed that he would demand how and when I give him affection. He then started saying his usual stuff about me having an affair behind his back, then lying to him, then making a child with him without him knowing etc. I said to him that if that is what he feels like it is best we call it quit (not the first time I have suggested we do). He went ballistic and grabbed me by the neck, pushed me onto the door of our conservatory and then shoved me on the floor. I hurt my elbow, fingers and knee. Luckily I had closed the door to the lounge so my toddler did not see the whole thing but saw me on the floor.
I love him and really wanted to make the relationship work. I know I am at fault with the affair and I have tried everything to make amends for it (all the obvious, plus writing him little love statements regularly that I would leave on his desk). I did therapy for 2x6 to work on why the affair happened and work on myself a lot.
However is this behaviour acceptable given the circumstances?
I was in an abusive relationship years ago and I promise myself never again. I am in such a shock that I am back to what feel like square one and on top of that we have a child together.
My current thought is to leave for my son's sake. I do not want him to witness this. However I do love my partner. It's so hard. I know I should not have cheated and a lot of the demise of our relationship is on me, but if anyone has been in a similar situation I would greatly appreciate any thought or advice you could offer.
Thanks ever so much for reading all of this.