Staying with a partner for the sake young child

[glassofkrug]

Hello, it is my first time posting a thread.

At this moment, I feel deeply trapped in a relationship that is making me into someone I don’t want to be—angry, depressed, and miserable. I have two daughters who are now young adults from a previous relationship and a 7-year-old son with my current partner.

There have been moments when I nearly left him, but each time, I chose to stay for our son. When we first met, I saw him as an ambitious, talented individual. However, over the years, he lost his confidence while pursuing a difficult career change. In contrast, I persevered, pushing through challenges and continuing to work hard. By the time our son started school, the gap between us had grown. I became the primary breadwinner, bringing in most of the household income, while he managed the home. Yet, despite working full-time, I still found myself handling much of the housework.

Last year, I faced serious health challenges that required two major surgeries. Thankfully, both surgeries were successful, and my determination sped up my recovery, surprising even my surgeon. But I realised how much my son needs his father, especially when I’m not able to be there for him.

Last night, he drank an entire bottle of wine, got sick all over the bed, and woke me at 5 am to clean up his mess. As I cared for our son, cleaned, and managed the housework, I found myself thinking, Why am I doing this? While he doesn’t drink every day, when he does, it often results in excessive drinking that leaves him sick.

I’m staying with him for the sake of our son and because of my health issues. I have another surgery planned early next year, and I know I need him to help care for our child during this time. But emotionally, I feel numb and helpless. I’m staying with someone I no longer love or respect only for the sake of our child.

I don’t see a way to leave him due to my illness - how could I raise our son alone? So, the only option seems to be a compromise, but I’m struggling to figure out how to make that work.

Any advice? Thanks

Staying for the sake of the child never works out at all well for anyone least of all the kids concerned. It just teaches the kids that your relationship was built on a lie Look where that stance had got you this far, nowhere really.

Would you want your kids to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and you would want better for them. Never be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

You should want better for you too so be brave and make the break sooner rather than later. And no you should not have been clearing up after his latest drinking episode. Such enabling only gives you a false sense of control and helps noone.

Being around an alcoholic is not going to do you or your kids any favours either. Neither your son or health issues are realmy reasons to stay with him and if he is a drunkard how could he at all look after you anyway?. Fact is he can’t and won’t.

He was sick after one bottle of wine? Leave him for being a lightweight

Thanks for your advice. I know from my previous marriage that staying for kids isn't a good idea. And the recent drinking episode...yes, though he doesn't normally drink like an alcoholic when he starts binge drinking, he behaves like one. Yes, after a bottle of wine, it's disgraceful. I think that sometimes he reacts badly to red wine, and he actually had liqueur and beer before red wine.

I will think about the practicality of splitting up. The only reason why I cleaned up after his mess is that he wouldn't have done it otherwise (he was really sick), and I had to share the same bed, plus it soaked into the mattress (yuk!) we are renting, like many people in generation rent and our landlord is quite petty. He woke up late in the afternoon, apologising, and I decided not to do anything and stayed in bed.

I split up with my ex rather abruptly, without much thought and planning, and it left my kids traumatised because he started to manipulate them heavily and I had been subject to his alienating behaviour for over five years - it was worse than staying together.

I am curious to know if anyone out there decided to stay amicably and even find a way to resolve issues without separating. I want to try that, at least before jumping to splitting up.

My only regret in life is not leaving my husband earlier. I wish I had left when the kids were young. My biggest fear at the time was that he would no longer spend time with them once I left him. In retrospect, the best thing I could have done for my dc's was to leave their father so that he didn't spend time with them. The time that he spent with them in the last 5 years of our marriage was toxic and really detrimental to them on so many levels. My dd survived and moved on, but my ds has not and may never heal from the damage done.

My ex's issues were drugs and alcohol and a mental health trajectory in the wrong direction. (He claimed to be in AA and sober and I found out years later that it was all an act and he was drinking and smoking all through his "sobriety") Please do your dc's and yourself a favor and leave. His role as a father should not be dependent on you remaining his wife and if it is, then it's unhealthy and a toxic role model to be giving your dc's.

Thank you SofiaAmes and sorry for belated reply. I will be thinking about what you said - if nothing changes or get worse, I will be thinking the practical way to leave him. I remember that my ex's ex-wife (gosh it gets complicated!) tolerated very toxic marriage for her children because she was too sick to support herself at that time. As soon as the children become old enough to look after themselves, she left. I think that some people just cannot leave the toxic relationship when it is not practically do so. My partner isn't alcoholic but I am increasing feel resentment and lack of respect on him. It is sad when you can no longer even like someone you used to love and respect...my son is really attach to him, and he get on with my daughers ok.