I feel like Sisyphus. Is there any break?

[Changedforadvice]

Name change for a bit of a moan and hopefully some encouragement.

I'm currently a SAHM to DC3. Married, DH & I are older parents and have no support other than nursery.

DH works all the time. Often away, or doing allnighters for deadlines. It does seem to be the industry but I think he's also a workaholic. There's no routine to it, evenings, weekends, things changing at very short notice. This means I parent largely alone and I'm exhausted. DC very active, co-sleeps, still breastfeeds (omg when will it end???) and doesn't sleep particular well.

Beyond that it means I have very little life outside of home. I can't commit to anything regular like an exercise class or book club. I occasionally meet friends (I don't have a huge number) in the daytime when DC is at nursery but as he's still young enough that he demands all of my time when with me, I need to cram a lot into those hours. So for eg I've seen 3 old friends once each this year. There's a mum friend I've met up with more, say once a month ish, but her work situation changed so we've not met up for a few months now. I'm so exhausted by bedtime I very rarely read or watch a film or tv. Husband and I rarely cross paths, never go out together and haven't had sex in many years (his choice, it bothered me for a long time but I no longer want it either).

I worked freelance around DC for about 18 months until the summer. I had a health issue that hospitalised me briefly which I very much think was due to burnout. It scared me and made me want to spend more quality time with DC before they start school. The only way to do that was to drop work for the moment. It wasn't paying enough to warrant the hours I was putting in and to have a reasonable career I realised I'd need to be working like DH which just isn't feasible for both parents. I enjoyed the actual work, something new to me that I'd always wanted to do, but it would have required more than I can currently give. I also have elderly parents who have started to demand more of my time over the last year.

So at the moment life is just dragging myself through from one day to the next on 4-5 hours sleep with no markers to distinguish where I'm at, no real end of day wind down, weekends no different, no holidays, no hobbies, very little adult conversation. It just feels like I can't think ahead too much or it will totally depress me into an existenstial crisis.

If you have the resources to get help like nannies, extra childcare and cleaners do so. Set a routine for yourself and the children Monday to Friday and book and plan things on weekends. If husvand can join great if not go anyway.

Maybe look into stopping breastfeeding and cosleeping i breastfed for years and i only felt like myself when i stopped it and my milk dried up.

Can your husband help more to give you some free time?

That's the problem really, he's just hardly ever around and there's no set hours or routine to what he does. I've regularly had to cancel things planned for an evening because something came up for him. I've stopped making evening plans now because I just looked flakey through no fault of my own. My DC doesn't settle well with strangers and the help available from family is very limited, not really offered for evening, and obviously needs to be returned. I have an annual one night away with a friend that we schedule in months in advance and is sacred, I've managed that 3 times so far, and it's probably kept me going!

I'm trying, I really really want it to end. DC is really stubborn and just screams until he gets it at night. As I'm already so tired I usually give in because it's so often just us and the only way we'll get sleep. He's also been having night terrors which are rough for him and he only seems to settle with boob. I can envisage life improving a lot when he's no longer feeding and there's more sleep all round.

You need to have a monthly day off (or something similar) that's sacred that your husband has to facilitate. You have to talk to him, he has to give you something

I've tired. I gave up because of the arguments it caused. It's why I suspect he's workaholic but he just maintains he's doing it all for us and our future which makes it really hard to argue with.

Your DH needs to take time off to night wean your preschooler. You need to book into a local hotel for those 2 weeks. You come back home during the day but sleep away from the home to break the dependency.

I night weaned DD2 at 2 years old by her co-sleeping DH whilst I was in the spare room. She then self-weaned at 5 and half years but it certainly wasn't on demand.

Your family and your future don't need him working all hours. Your children need a Mum who can get a break and your husband won't have a wife in years to come if he doesn't step up, maybe tell him that.

We're the other way around, DC doesn't doesn't ask in the day, i got him off that more than a year ago. It's just in bed for off to sleep and at wake up with one or two during night usual still.

We've discussed hotels but it would be a night maybe 2 at most, which will achieve nothing. He just isn't here for 2 weeks at a time. It's not a job with annual leave, he's self employed and works all the time. I've begged, pleaded tried to reason and it's made no difference. Today he's been telling me 'I get in my own way' because I haven't booked a hotel for tonight ...after he screamed at me to book one! I would achieve nothing long term, and tomorrow Ihave an early start for an activity with DC so it's not ideal. But that's how everything is, last minute, not able to plan advance. And yet somehow he blames me for not randomly booking a hotel last night. I'm exhausted after 2 hours sleep and really annoyed with him tbh.

@stargirl1701 I pretty much have. And on we roll. I think I'm so exhausted a split is beyond me at the moment. But I can't see me wanting to live like this forever.

Yes. I think you have a serious DH problem. Can you throw money at the problem? Does this level of work he does pay well? A night nanny could work, if so.

You need proper sleep as a first step. You might find the energy to leave him after that is sorted.

That was a much needed laugh...cheers!

I was a SAH extended BF
H who worked long hours

You just lean into it OP.

More adult time will come, probably in the next year. I mean just at home when they sleep without you, but still

My life was a merry-go-round of days and nights blending into each other. We didn't watch a film that wasn't U rated for years

It ends of course it does.

The positives are your baby, being comforted every day because you are there. They are so little, they don't understand, you are there to carry their load.

If you want to break the breastfeeding you have to just do that. Tackle that first.

The only way we did it was to keep them up, yes two and a half year olds up until they passed out (think 10pm) for about two weeks. Endless Ice Age movies, dustraction, milk in bottles. It was hard work. It took two weeks. It worked though

Perhaps look at that first. It makes a difference.

Then tackle the next step.

What I mean is it took two weeks of them passing out with exhaustion no boob for two weeks to break the cycle.

I feel like you and I only have two (primary school age so it should be getting easier).
all I can advise is BE MORE SELFISH.
say your DH - I am away for two night this month - I am giving you notice so you can be around to sort the kids - or find someone else who will do it.(nanny/ grandparent).
he will moan and groan - but stand firm.
I too ended up in hospital this year which I think was stress and burnout related - and I have decided to make some selfish changes as a result.

There is no prize / reward for facilitating our husband’s career, at the expense of our sanity and health - please remember that.

His work does pay well now. It something he's not done for long which is part of the whole must work to the death thing, to make hay while the sun shines. There's truth in that, to a point.

We have a cleaner which does really help. We had a nanny for a short while when DS
was very small and I hated it, ended up running around doing loads of housework at ungodly hours because she made me feel paranoid. I should try again really as I'm not going to be of much use if I end up burning out again

The thing that's really upsetting me atm is how he's blaming me for being in this position. He literally said I kept them awake last night. It's bizarre, my son would not settle, was in his own bed initially (a win!) came into ours and woke me, not DH, up and tossed and turned loads, played with my hair, poked boobs endlessly. But somehow that was my fault. DH left me to get up with DS even though I'd only got 2 hours and had been out all the day before with DS so he had a planned relax day. I thought I'd get mine today but we argued, he went out so I've done it all again today. He's still not home.

I'm all over the show tbh. I'm not sure it's just tiredness or if DH is an absolute arsehole. But yes, definitely need a good sleep.

if your DH earns good money, then the solution does seem at this point to hire a nanny and drop the show . They are their to help you , let them.
perhaps you are being a bit of a martyr (I say this kindly , as someone that can be similar).
take the nanny, take a night in a hotel to sleep (even if it is last minute!) and put your needs first.
this stage won’t last forever, but his work pattern might, which is why you need to put in place an arrangement that works, so you don’t end up resenting your DH.
Go easy on yourself OP - and I hope you get some sleep tonight

It's specifically a night nanny that's been suggested here, not just a regular daytime one. One who will let you make that break. Maybe that will help your DC sleep better too. Or it might give you more energy to get him more tired out for a good sleep.

I'm all over the show tbh. I'm not sure it's just tiredness or if DH is an absolute arsehole.

It's looking like the second option, given his blame, arguing and lack of time and effort with his child, particularly after your restless night. Sounds like the only thing he contributes is money. Which is better than nothing, but pretty joyless in the long term.