Do gentlemen still exist ?

[Cutiepie5]

I’m dating this man, he is very caring and gentle with me. He’s consistent he makes time, arranges calls, plan dates (pays for dates) and most importantly makes me laugh and feel safe

usually with guys I feel unsure about them, however with him I don’t at all he does everything I would ask in a man. We have grown close quite quickly but it feels right and not uncomfortable.

the fact I don’t feel unsure or question him like I do with other guys has started to worry me as thats my usually pattern.

what I’m trying to ask is, is this all too good to be true? It feels genuine but I may be naive

Good guys do exist. Enjoy it.

What does he say when you ask how, with all these qualities, he's not been snapped up yet?

Do you know something about his past that would help explain? Do you know friends of his from before?

I haven’t thought to ask why is he still single with all these qualities. Is that something I should be asking ?

Man here. I'd go with the flow. I like to class myself as a gentleman. I don't stand up when my DW of 20 years comes in the room but I try to look after her. I do the shopping and cooking amongst other chores and she comes home from work to a nice homemade dinner. We are all different. I haven't got it in me to treat women like some men on here have and bizarrely I was single for a long time although I worked away a lot and in agriculture and never really met any women. Growing up a lot of girls wouldn't touch me with a barge pole as a they would say I was posh. I'm not, just middle class and a Lancashire lad. As a man I do think a lot of women are predisposed to bad types and view good caring men, the type you can take home to Mum as boring and it leaves the good men on the shelf. I would just go with the flow OP and see what happens. You might have struck gold and bagged yourself a good one. On a good day my DW will admit she's lucky 😂

Just a thought, maybe he is thinking the same?

I find if men are really keen they will make an effort and become a gentleman in an effort to impress if that what they feels will work. But women are the masters of self sabotage and self-doubt, wondering why someone would hold us in this esteem.

The IT crowd had a good episode on this - all women want bastards.

Don’t be ridiculous. My DH is a gentleman and has been for the 19 years we’ve been married. Hate to tell you but good guys definitely do exist

Isn't it depressing that you're asking yourself this? I was in the same boat once. I met my partner of 9 years on Tinder. I think he's ok, but only time will tell...

There are an awful lot of toads and oddballs out there though.

To the people asking me his history. Usually I would question men a lot, especially because I always feel something is off. Eventually the off feeling makes sense and my intuition is right. However, I haven’t felt the need to do that with him at all. What questions about history would you suggest asking ?

Yh it is sad I’m asking this. But usually I’m used to guys with red flags so he has thrown me off a bit 😕

Maybe throw him back and see how the next woman gets on with him?

I don't think there's definitive questions that will help weed the chaff from the wheat. You just need to get to know what each other better - listen to what he has to say about his relationships - family, friends, past partners. I wouldn't pry too much - just let conversations unfold naturally. One red flag is being kept on the periphery if you've been dating for some time. For instance, I dated someone for 6 months and we went on holiday together without meeting a single acquaintance of theirs and we never went out locally. Think there may have been a rather glaring red flag there!

The fact that you don't know much about his history is a bit of a red flag in itself. I'm surprised he's not volunteered some information. Usually, when sharing that type of info, you'll both have had a conversation about how you ended up where you are.

If memory serves me right back when I was dating this would have been a ery early on conversation. Just trying to gain some insight into eachother and establish some early unspoken boundaries.

He may have already done this, and if so, apologies for inferring he hasn't.

OP those things are the bare minimum. I’m really sorry you have obviously had bad treatment in the past.

I was married to a gentleman , he'd open doors, open my side car door , cooked , cleaned , decorated , ironed . Brought flowers , perfume and jewellery. Help me on with my coat .

And basically pander to my every whim.
I ended up feeling he was a pushover and stopped appreciating him , he was a bit over adoring and I ended it.
Now with a man who is the exact opposite and I joke he would push me out of the way to get to an emergency exit before me to save himself with no regard to help.

He’s spoken about his history as in family and about himself. But we haven’t really spoken deeply on past relationship

How do you define a 'gentleman', though? That often seems to be construed on here as what is to me utter nonsense about pulling out chairs and walking on the road side to preserve your fragile tights from car splashes. To me, a decent human being who happens to be male is an entirely different thing.

Yes, absolutely, decent men exist. Though looking around at my male friends who are single, they will have their quirks. The one who is universally viewed as a Major Catch (good-looking, athletic, owns his own architectural practice, plenty of money, divorced) is just not very emotionally available, and would run a mile from a woman who was upfront about being really into him. Another, also divorced, and clever and attractive, starts every relationship as spontaneous and romantic, but reverts over a period of months to being a passive routine-bound, couch potato who thinks women's job is to enliven him and 'make' him do things. Left to himself, he would play Red Dead Redemption 24/7.

Some people will be OK with these traits. The architect's current girlfriend is incredibly busy with her own career and a time-consuming sport, so she's unavailable enough to not mind (or possibly not have noticed) that he's unavailable. The second friend's girlfriend is a fellow couch potato who doesn't mind never leaving the house.

How sad.

@greengreyblue Oh I don't know. Some men are just smothering. I've heard of a couple following their partners from room to room, micromanaging them. That would drive me dolally.

I'd be a bit wary of anyone too gentlemanly tbh. It often goes hand-in-hand with being secretly a bit of a misogynist imo. The whole 'treats me like a princess' thing is old-fashioned, patronising and gives me the heebie-jeebies tbh. If you just mean that he's polite and considerate though, then obviously that's good and is what should be expected of everyone!

Have you visited his house or have you been invited?

What about his work and any friends or associates or immediate family?

Has he been married, does he have children what about previous relationships?

This is not prying it is straightforward questions or items that he should be volunteering.

Hope that this helps OP

It strikes me that there are three choices.

• he's a rare breed; like you say a gentleman, but also available, and by accident, right place, right time, you got him.
• he's very much into you, attuned to you because you two are compatible, so he guesses easily what you want and enjoys it.
• he's is very controlled, and you don't know yet, but he has learnt to do just the right thing. Soon you'll find out something - he's married, or worse very controled because sooner or later he wants to control you.

I'm concerned with the third option because I feel the truly dangerous men are those who know how to do just the right thing. But the important thing is to know which one this is.

• Case one: he'll be known to all his friends and family as a great guy too. His past relationships ended well or led to emotional growth and the man he is.
• Two : he'll be saying the same about yourself - are there women like you etc. He'll act like that, and it can get over the top.
• Three: he's perfect but he has no history. You've not met his family or it's not informed you about him. You've never seen him with older friends. Maybe (but he'll hide that) he's unavailable in odd ways. Baisically you know nothing about the 95% of the iceberg that's under the surface.

Seriously, maybe that's just because I'm a man with quirks, but a man like that (perfect and zero knowledge on him outside your relationship) is truly dangerous. My XW worked in a prison and sex offenders were like that - Mr perfect until you realised their perfection was trained, calculated to enable their crimes.

My DH was a gentle man. I could say he was a gentleman, but that would imply he darted about like an idiot trying to open my car door or pointless stuff like that.

He was a true gentleman in all the ways that mattered: a gentle, funny, loving, kind man, a family man and devoted husband and father. A talented musician and artist who could knock up a brick wall over a weekend, or lay a patio with foundations deep enough to land a helicopter.

So yes, there are gentlemen around. I was married to one for over 40 years. Sadly he is no longer with us, but he set a very high bar.

I would say trust your instincts, and if they're not sensing red flags, believe them.

They do exist- I’ve been married to one for almost 20 years 😀 His late dad was the same- courteous, kind, and gentle.

Enjoy it, OP. The idea that a relationship needs to be hard, or “tested”, or some kind of a game has always been alien to me.

I wouldn't overthink it. As long as you talk on your dates and ask him questions and observe him you will figure out if you want to date him further.