Handhold please... we just agreed to divorce

[Yellow38]

D(?)H and I just agreed to divorce/separate after almost a decade of marriage. We've been fighting a lot (verbally, not physically) and we generally feel more incompatible than we ever did before. We tried couples counselling earlier this year. We are probably better off without each other, there's a lot of resentment and not seeing each others perspectives. It feels devastating. The love is still there but I doubt that ever really goes away when you have kids together and made those vows? But we don't work together anymore. We're not a team. We haven't been for a few years now.

We have 2 young primary school age children. I don't have much family beyond this and not much of a support network at all to get me through this. I feel a wreck, how do I get through this on my own now?
I know it's probably for the better but I'm so scared of what happens next from now on.

See a lawyer immediately and make sure you get what you’re financially entitled to. That’s the first thing. Who owns the house? Will it be sold or could you buy him out and stay there with the children? It’s hard but put emotions to the side for now and focus on logistics. You need to.

Thank you, I'll do that. We own the house jointly but the deposit was in large part an inheritance (his side).
We have been in the process of moving (offer agreed on the house) so that's already in the works...Not exactly what we were planning though at the time. Now all of that changes of course for the future from here but has at least sped up us moving from here and in to separate places I guess...

Make sure you take everything you are entitled to, you’ve got two kids to think of.

10 years may be enough to be considered a long marriage which would mean where the money came from 10 years previously (in the absence of a prenup) may be irrelivent. Depending on how many days you each have the kids you may well get to keep the house, this is why you need legal help now.

Thank you. We've been married for just over 8 years. We've not discussed the financial bits yet at all, just touched on the kids schedules etc. It's very raw still. But I'll try to speak to a solicitor tomorrow and see what our options are.
It doesn't feel fair as it's been thought of as his money but as you say, I'd want the kids to be OK too.
He's a good dad and I don't think he'd ever shy away from his responsibilities as their dad.

I'd want to have them most of the time though and think the children would feel the same as we're closer to each other. Do realise they'd still be away from me half the time or so still if he wants them. Devastating to think of.

I feel so sad for my little children. Makes me sob just thinking about them when they find out. When do we even tell them? They're in early years in primary school so little.

Just explain it in an age appropriate way. “Mummy and Daddy both love you very much but Mummy and daddy have decided that we are going to have our own houses because we haven’t been getting on very well. You will still see Mummy and Daddy but just at different houses.”

Someone said to me when I got divorced that your kids will be as you are.
with time if you keep your pecker up and the kids are well loved which they will be they will be fine. I’ve been divorced 10 years and kids grown up now and they are both very happy great successful young people. I used to worry about broken home blah blah but it’s not like that. They’ll be resilient and it will be fine. So will you be honestly!!

Are you 100% certain OP? I just wanted to put it out there. Me and DH fight a fair bit and often felt in the past we would be better apart. Things finally came to a head last summer and we did end you splitting up. We both thought we would be happier.
It was way worse than I expected. I was miserable, our preschooler was beside himself. Life was worse and harder and sadder than it has been with our marriage problems. After 9 weeks or so we had talked a bit and decided to make it work. It better now, it’s far from perfect but now I know that being divorced for us would be worse for many reasons. I no longer think the grass is greener

Thank you for this. No, I'm not. We've agreed we love each other still but it just doesn't work. We've tried different things over the years including couples counselling and that didn't work either.
It doesn't feel healthy for the children to grow up with parents who are annoyed with each other this often.
It doesn't feel like a healthy relationship either.
We are different people. Different needs and wants. Became bigger still since the children (again not much family support so doesn't help).

Coming back to each other feels like kicking the can further down the road for us. It feels like we're out of options.