Do your kids miss out on things because their dad/your ex refuses to take them?

[FlowerP0w3r]

I'll preface by saying I know I cannot control or dictate what he does in his contact time with our child but as he is deeply un child focussed, I wanted to ask if others encounter this type of behaviour and what do you do??

DD is primary age. She does EOW with her dad and has a midweek overnight. She gets on well with him, loves him, but has just always had a natural preference to be at home with me as everything is here. Her school, friends, my family.

Her dad lives 50 minutes away and I know she struggles with the midweek overnight. It's all court ordered with no possibility of varying just yet as we've only recently ended proceedings.

On several occasions, I have asked her dad if he would be be able to take DD to either a party or activity that's on her weekend with him. He's flat out refused. Only citing that they're "busy". Busy sitting around watching TV as he doesn't actually parent her.

DD can't have her friends over to his as he's alienated himself from my parent friends by acting appallingly towards me in front of DD and me.

The final straw came where one of DDs best friends had a party on his weekend; they tried to organise it on her weekend with me but due to venue availability it just wasn't possible.

He refused to take her, refused to let anyone else take her, refused to drop her off. DD was so upset.

I've now got to a point where I just want to stop asking or telling DD that on her weekends with her dad we can't ask him to take her.

Unfortunately, she's just going to have to miss out.

I've rearranged her extra curricular activities after school so they don't fall on the midweek overnight but some days she's doing two activities a night and is exhausted as she's had a 50 minute journey to school in the morning as opposed to a 3 minute walk. It's only one midweek overnight so I didn't dispute it in Court as I knew I wouldn't win but I can tell she finding it hard.

I understand that her time with her dad is important but he is a controlling, abusive narcissist and it's really difficult navigating these issues.

Any tips? Or experience of others who have been through the same?

@FlowerP0w3r I would also agree with this, when the parent refuses to integrate themselves into the child's life. And even more so if they are abusive and narcissistic, as that behaviour inevitably starts manifesting with the child/ren also. Certainly been the experience with my poor children and they now, at the early teens stage, refuse to see him. It's been a long and painful road for them to get to this point though.

This would be valid if he actually spent quality time with her. But he doesn’t. She may as well be at the party or activity.

Seems the consensus is that contact deteriorates once they can vote with their feet.

Yep but I don’t think the 'fathers’ are that bothered. These men are far more enamoured with the status of fatherhood than the work of parenting.

@DaisyChain505 it is lazy. I've taken my dc to parties or events an hour and a half away many many times as it's something they'd like to do. I don't think twice.

@DaisyChain505 also don't forget their DM also only has her EOW and will have try and squeeze in all the things with DD's friends and enable as many parted as possible due to her missing out the rest of the time

It’s a difficult one. I have the same situation with my step kids and my other half does too much in my opinion. They get collected (45minutes away) on Friday after school. By the time the get here and have had dinner it’s already nearly bedtime. Saturday they then get driven back to their home town for a party/ football game/ whatever else is happening, something is always on and then come back in the afternoon. Sunday they go back again sometimes for yet another football game and then stay there because its
not worth driving twice so mooch around town for ages until it’s time to drop them back.

It doesn’t really work well. It means that our house is essentially just used for food and bed and all the “fun stuff” happens in their home town. They don’t build relationships with local kids here to build more of a life here. Because there is two of them, one is always drudging around while the other one has the party or game or whatever so it leads to a lot of dead time and boredom for the other sibling. I feel resentful because we are left with an empty fridge and full laundry basket and don’t get to organise any nice things or days our when they are here, it’s all dictated by their social life somewhere else so it just reinforces the “main home” aspect even more.

With you it might be different because it’s only one child but I’m just trying to highlight the point of view from the other side. It’s not always great/ easy/ and kids don’t automatically “miss out” if they don’t go to every sodding party and game.