Struggling with mistakes from past / dealing with previous trauma

[slayingin2025]

Hi all
I'm really hoping someone can help me to stop being so hard on myself, I feel I am tearing myself apart inside and I feel exhausted.

I was date raped by an ex boyfriend and went through a lot of trauma surrounding this relationship with thr ex-boyfriend, who is now in prison for fraud I have heard. It was such a traumatic relationship and I used to go on and on about it and I also used to drink a lot, basically I was traumatised and felt lost in life. Have an emotionally distant family anyway with some emotional neglect so I felt was dealing with this issue alone anyway.

The problem is I lost a lot of friends this way by talking openly about the trauma and being unhappy I guess. I think this has set a pattern in my life that when I am down I do talk too much about trauma to people as a pattern of behaviour which can feel too intense, I have stopped doing this in the past few years.

The issue I have is in the looking back and ruminating on everything and the feeling low about A what has happened and B how I handled things with regards to the lost friendships.

I really want my future to focus on the good and my life is good now.

One technique I have been trying to use when a thought comes up is saying 'thanks for sharing but I've moved on now and am focussing on the good.' Does anyone have any other suggestions? I tend to think about this sort of thing when I'm alone and chilling so not very often really but these thoughts have popped up over Christmas annoyingly.... I have been through therapy but these thoughts do still pop up sometimes more about the aftermath and the lost friendships.

Tia xx

I would recommend counselling with someone who is specialised in dealing with your type of trauma.

It sounds as if the unfinished bit of the therapy you've had is joining the dots between past and present and making meaning out of it all. Focusing on the good you've created now is great, but it might also help to acknowledge the ways you have been permanently altered by your trauma. We are wired to focus on the 'negative' when we do this (eg 'I lost friends because I talked so much about my trauma'), but there will be some really significant strengths/'positives' too (eg 'I found out who my real friends are'/ 'I know how to be a better friend to others now'/'I rebuilt my life so that I can now find good in it'/ 'I know how to survive'. Those are just some ideas.

Do you journal? Getting it out on a page (restrict your time if you are prone to rumination) can help you stop oversharing with people. Perhaps join an activity that brings you into contact with people but where you are focusing on something together in the present. Podcasts about healing after trauma might be useful - there's lots of good stuff out there.

Also, there is obviously a limit to what friends can listen to, but we are supposed to be able to share with friends and lean on them in hard times, so make sure you aren't taking too much responsibility for what happened there. Obviously it's good to acknowledge where you might have overshared or stepped over boundaries, but survivors of trauma often take on too much responsibility for what goes wrong in their relationships, so I just thought I'd point out that possibility.

Thank you yes this all makes sense. I think I did get caught up with everything for a while and lost myself and my direction which was hard for the people around me. I will revisit therapy to help me come to terms with everything, in particular with the friendships and just how I feel about myself going forwards and for making new friendships. I am nervous now of course about how I am going to navigate new friendships and whether I should bother tbh. So much pain came from the failed friendships and it was another thing to feel bad about. But I am feeling so much better now, my life looks totally different and I am ready to make some new friends.