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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just Friends?

15 replies

UnrequitedFriends · 28/12/2024 22:55

A year ago, I was really busy with life so started a FWB as I didn't want the complications of a relationship. Towards the middle of the year, I started to want more. He still didn't, so I ended it.

He always made it clear he didn't want a relationship because he'd been hurt before (and has told me the details), and neither did I originally so that was fine. Having said that, he acts in a very caring way that is unusual for a FWB, little stuff like he pays when we go out, walks me to my car and makes sure I get home safe, carries heavy things for me, helps me build furniture, told his friends about me, texts every day taking a keen interest in my life etc. Sorry that's a weird list, just the stuff off top of my head. He has admitted we were more than just FWB.

However we also both have non-negotiables, eg kissing (that he doesn't want and I do), hence the "breakup" over summer.

He sent me a Christmas present and so I text to say thank you and have started talking again. We would like to try and be friends if possible as we did get on well. However, I still want more and he still wants sex lol. There's no way i'd have sex with him now (as we want different things and i'm not a naïve kiddo thinking that sleeping together will make him feel differently!)

My question is, can you ever truly be friends with someone you want more with?

OP posts:
Motherland2624 · 28/12/2024 22:57

You don’t kiss when having sex?

Crushed23 · 28/12/2024 23:02

I would let this go completely. You want different things. He only wants to be friends because he thinks he will get the 'WB' back which you don't want.

Seaoftroubles · 28/12/2024 23:04

I don't think you can. Someone always gets hurt and in this case it would probably be you as you admit you still want more.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 28/12/2024 23:08

No you can’t really be friends if you want a relationship and he wants sex. The ‘friendship’ won’t give either of you what you want.

Shame as it sounds like you could have a good relationship if you were both on the same page. But you’re not, so don’t be tempted to settle for less than you want. It can work out - my DP and I had a wobbly start, dating, then friends, then FWB, then nothing, then dating again! It was very confusing and stressful for both of us! So while it can work out, I think it probably only worked for me as my DP wasn’t after sex, so the FWB was a natural progression from being friends rather than a conscious choice on his part to have sex with me but not commit. He’d have been happy just being friends as his libido isn’t as high as mine. If he’d pushed the sex part while withholding kisses and affection I think I’d have lost respect for him

UnrequitedFriends · 29/12/2024 00:01

@Motherland2624 It's not that sort of sex 🙈😂

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 29/12/2024 00:16

I too am interested in understanding the no kissing a bit more, do you strictly mean no kisses on the lips? Surely during sex either of you might want to kiss other body parts? Where's the line between kiss/nibble/bite/suck? Sound complicated, I couldn't be arsed to hold back with kissing so I'd bin this off.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2024 00:22

My advice- let him go. He doesn't want what you want.

ShortyShorts · 29/12/2024 00:24

The not kissing thing is weird.

I've only ever heard it about men using prostitutes.

Every single woman I've ever known snogs their FWB!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 29/12/2024 00:49

Motherland2624 · 28/12/2024 22:57

You don’t kiss when having sex?

Not everyone does. I can take or leave kissing, and usually only do it because my partner likes it. I've had a couple of relationships where kissing wasn't much of a feature because my partner wasn't that bothered either.

UnrequitedFriends · 29/12/2024 00:53

@Hillrunning Yea just not on lips. And tbf he has kissed me twice during sex but I know that was for my benefit rather than him wanting it, so it didnt feel romantic

OP posts:
ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 05:09

Motherland2624 · 28/12/2024 22:57

You don’t kiss when having sex?

That was my first thought, too.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 05:10

UnrequitedFriends · 29/12/2024 00:01

@Motherland2624 It's not that sort of sex 🙈😂

I've had a seriously kinky FWB. We still kissed. A lot.

Anyway, you want different things. There's no point.

2catsandhappy · 29/12/2024 05:24

Sounds like a nice man with lovely manners who doesn't want to risk being hurt emotionaly again.
Set him free. You will never be happy with him not giving 100%

UnrequitedFriends · 29/12/2024 10:55

Well you're all horrible people because you're supposed to say just give it time and you'll have that romcom moment where he turns up at your door realising what a fool he's been LOL.

You're all completely right, thankyou.x

OP posts:
UnrequitedFriends · 29/12/2024 10:56

And @ThatKhakiMoose , thankyou, this has helped more than you know.x

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