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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Terrible first date

25 replies

LondonBridge · 02/05/2008 14:10

I'm so confused and was hoping some of you could shed some light on this. I have changed my name.

Basically I went "On a date" with a man last night, it was the first time I had met him in person as before we had only spoke via a dating website, msn, text and over the phone.

We met in a quiet pub and we immediately hit it off, we found loads of stuff to talk about, we had a good laugh and had loads in common. I was really enjoying it and I really liked him. About 10pm a group of men walked in and were being very loud but we ignored them and carried on talking until he got up to go to toilet and one of them barged into him (it was on purpose) and the bloke started giving him loads of grief. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know him well enough to start jumping to his defense and start getting involved but I didn't want to just sit by and let him get beaten up either.

He started giving the bloke as much back, called him a "fucking idiot" and tried to walk away from him to go to the toilet and this bloke grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back to the group. The man behind the bar then told the blokes to get out and said "he wasn't having another night of it" so I assume they've caused trouble in there before but then all of a sudden, the man I was with (can't really call him DP yet can I??) punched this bloke square in the face and the bloke immediately fell to the ground. Everyone in the pub started getting up etc and one of this blokes mates started walking towards him and he grabbed him by the shirt and nutted him! At this point the other blokes started backing off and the bar man said he was going to have to ask us all to leave or call the police but he did say that none of it was DPs (?) fault and these blokes were known trouble causers.

We left and found a little takeaway and went in there but there was an akward silence between us. I think he thought he'd screwed it up, I didn't know what to think.

This was all last night and he saw me home in his taxi and we said goodnight. I got a text off him this morning saying how sorry he was that it had ended like that and could we arrange another date.

What should I do? is he a violent nutter who should be avoided or was he genuinly in the wrong place at the wrong time?

OP posts:

hanaflower · 02/05/2008 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainyWednesday · 02/05/2008 14:12

Have to admit that for me that would be a bit of a deal-breaker, but only you know whether how well you were getting on to start with and whether it's worth giving him another go

RainyWednesday · 02/05/2008 14:13

Oops

My opening smiley should have been a not a , sorry!

davidtennantsmistress · 02/05/2008 14:16

i'd give him the benefit of the doubt once but be very cautious and weary. then again prob not a good thing from teh start as my guard would be well and truly up.

ib · 02/05/2008 14:18

I would give him another chance, but then my dh would probably have done worse!

ib · 02/05/2008 14:21

BTW he is a fantastic partner and father and is never ever ever in any way violent towards me or ds (or anyone who isn't a man who is aggressive towards him first)

zippitippitoes · 02/05/2008 14:21

well if he seemed ok and it wasnt becaus ehe was a drunken loser then i would consider trying again

maybe a meal together or a daytime meet

Hecate · 02/05/2008 14:22

I agree that the sensible thing was to walk away, but that's looking at it from outside, not in the middle of it when you're probably feeling quite threatened. If he tried to walk away, but they grabbed him and tried to pull him back into the middle of them then he could have been beaten up by them - so it sounds like he lashed out in self-defence.

There were several of them and only one of him. He was in quite a vulnerable position. Nutting them was OTT however, but it sounds like, having tried to walk away and having been pulled about by men whose intention was probably to start a fight with him, he just lost his temper. He had been threatened, there was a group of them and he was with you (worried if they'd start on you? Feeling like he looked weak? Feeling mad that his evening was ruined? Who knows?)

It wasn't the sensible thing that you would choose to do if you were thinking about such a thing in a calm way and in no immediate danger. It's not right to lash out, but it sounds like he was pushed and pushed by these men. It doesn't automatically follow that he is a dangerous bloke to be avoided at all costs.

If you like him, go out with him again - again in a public place. Give him one more chance. See if it was bad luck, or if trouble follows him around.

BUT. Remember it, bear it in mind and use it if anything about him rings an alarm bell for you.

citylover · 02/05/2008 14:36

I would give him another chance if you like him. And probe very carefully his attitudes to violence.

I really hate violence of any sort but this does sound like he was in a difficult position. And would rather have a man who can take care of himself quite honestly. That does not mean to say I like someone who looks for trouble, in case it sounded like that.

What was your gut feeling about him and the situation?

MascaraOHara · 02/05/2008 14:41

I would give him another chance but make it very clear that I wasn't into blokes who thought it was cool to be fighting in pubs...

..have to say though, putting myself in his shoes - he was in a no win situation and if these blokes were being intimidating it's soemthimes better to get in there first.

I really feel for the guy actually.

MissingMyHeels · 02/05/2008 14:46

I would give him another chance - I don't think violence in that situation equates to violence in other areas. In fact, IME, men who commit domestic violence tend to be the sort of men who would shy away from confrontation with someone who would fight back!

Walking away is all very well and good but easier said than done in the heat of the moment. I think you should def see him again if you like him.

ALMummy · 02/05/2008 14:49

I think he was in a very difficult situation tbh. Seems like he likes you and this probably the worst thing that could have happened. He probably had no clue how to play it. Walk away and get thumped - you might think him a bit of a fanny (sure you wouldnt but some women might) hit before he gets hit and you might think him a thug. Feel quite sorry for him actually. I don t really know many men who wouldn't have reacted like this except maybe for the nutting.

Personally I would give him another chance but keep an eagle eye on future reactions and attitudes.

splitFanjonality · 02/05/2008 15:00

I think I would stay well clear.
If he has the "guts" to say "fucking idiot" to a a group of load louts AND punch one of them in the face, I would think him very volatile.

However, if you are to meet him again, I think you should try the same set up. Evening, and pub and see what happens.

mmelody · 02/05/2008 17:43

Give him another chance..

warthog · 02/05/2008 19:12

he's been in this situation before - the barman said so.

STEER CLEAR

ALMummy · 02/05/2008 19:14

He said it about the other men warthog not the one she was with.

lou33 · 02/05/2008 19:14

run away

nametaken · 02/05/2008 19:20

I like him

warthog · 02/05/2008 19:31

oh yes... still - the barman was dealing with it. why did he have to go and punch him?

Dropdeadfred · 02/05/2008 19:34

he apologised to you - so he knows this behaviour wasn't ideal, but in the circumstances he was defending himself,albeit a little too successfully.

Give him another chance

mitfordsisters · 03/05/2008 11:17

I'd see him again and show my sympathy - agree with mascara and almummy. sounds like he fell victim to some aggressive twats and responded with his feisty side.

Don't brush it under the carpet though - give him the chance to talk about what happened.

mumblesmummy · 03/05/2008 16:56

How old is he? Is he old enough that he shouldn't be doing stuff like that now or is he still sort of in his teens/20s?

Personally, I'd give him another chance. My DP used to be a bit of fighter really, but when we got together he turned out to be amazing, has never had a fight since and treats me like a princess. Plus it's nice that he could defend himself if he needed to, it's sort of manly.

Lauriefairycake · 03/05/2008 17:04

I don't think you should see him again, he is violent and hits people and when provoked calls random strangers 'fucking idiot'.

I do not think any of this is manly in any way. My dh would have walked away, ignored them and if he had to would have called the police.

We also teach children not to respond with violence - we don't actually need more violence in this world.

A real man/woman walks away and laughs ironically when twats like that say "coward" or "wimp".

I think it's really sad that we still teach children to stick up for themselves by hitting back

warthog · 03/05/2008 17:47

no matter how much i'm provoked i still don't deck someone...

HereComeTheGirls · 03/05/2008 17:53

I have to say reading it I thought it would put ME off too after only one date. However my DH, who is the loveliest most gentle kind man to ME would probably have done the same if a man had been aggressive to him, and has almost done the same..something about male aggression brings out the animal in them I think!

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