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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The power dynamic of the smear campaign

6 replies

Spooky2000 · 28/12/2024 21:47

I posted a short while ago about my horrible ex. I've had 3 narcissistic relationships in my life, as a by-product (IMO) of narc parents and feel 'lucky' that I didn't turn out like them. Two were really serious full on narc abuse and I have always felt grateful that I got out of these, but disappointed in myself that I didn't recognise each time I got involved with another. It took me an extraordinary long time to realise that part of the reason I got involved in relationships like these is because I was a romantic, and I loved the love-bombing; I just didn't recognise what it was at the time. I'm older and wiser now.

The ex started his smear campaign many years ago. However, in October 24 he was forced to have to contact me as part of our on/off r'ship, as he had abused his elderly mother, and a DVPO was issued against him. Having nowhere to live, he asked if he could stay with me. One of his (many! There always is!) female friends asked him how he felt about 'having to live' with me - that part I recall him telling me, but I don't remember his answer. It did ring a alarm with me at the time.

Today I've learned that he contacted one of my employers (I have two jobs) and made all sorts of allegations about me, which my employer declined to comment on - he said that it was 'all sorts of shit' and that they wanted to support me. Whilst I'm grateful and this won't affect my job there, there's nothing that I can do about this to stop it all and what really chokes me is I'm the 6th woman he's done this to, and of course, it will happen again. And it's that which sticks in my craw - not being able to do anything about this BS and the injustice of it all . The frustration and anger at the fact that none of his behaviour comes to light or is really taken to account via the police - I know gossip dies down eventually, but the anger and desire to 'sort it out' is beginning to really boil in me.

No purpose other than to vent. I would happily see him get what's coming to him so to speak, but I just don't think that day will happen. I fantasise about another relationship properly dragging him through the courts to see him with a (further) conviction, but that would mean he would have to abuse that person too and I don't want that. The fury of the injustice of it all whilst I am being dragged through the mud.... 😡😡

OP posts:
SensibleSigma · 28/12/2024 21:52

The power he has is entirely in people taking him seriously. As you learned, he’s powerless with your employer who clearly recognised the dynamic. He could be powerless with you as well- you could choose to laugh about the desperation of his antics. If you genuinely felt no shame you’d tell the world what a plonker he is, trying it on with anyone who’ll stand still long enough to listen and talking bollocks all day long.

Spooky2000 · 29/12/2024 13:51

True actually - and thank you. I spent some of last night thinking and I thought how desperate and angry must he be to be contacting my employer! And when he realises that I'm still working there so there's no impact at all, this will likely infuriate him further - tough. It's nothing he's not done or said about anyone previously and obviously it's to get a reaction out of me publicly: not biting.

Thanks again!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2024 13:59

I mean...slander is a crime. So is harassment. I'd report him for it. Don't wait for him to get his comeuppance, actively get it to him.

SensibleSigma · 30/12/2024 08:44

Well done, @Spooky2000

Deep breaths. Keep records, don’t be afraid to report if it merits it. Get a second opinion occasionally, in case it ramps up without you realising.

Spooky2000 · 01/01/2025 02:50

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2024 13:59

I mean...slander is a crime. So is harassment. I'd report him for it. Don't wait for him to get his comeuppance, actively get it to him.

Yeah, but slander is hard to prove. The boss deleted the damn message without screenshotting first 🙄Still - I bet I could get a statement from him.

I'm going to log it with the law as it all helps me...

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 01/01/2025 03:17

So sorry @Spooky2000 my ex did similar a few years ago - wrote to social services/exh/anyone who'd listen I was druggie/drink driver etc. thankfully it was enough (with a load of other stuff) to successfully prosecute him for harassment but it's a horrible experience. Good luck Flowers

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