At a loss with DH - have you stayed for these reasons?

[Talkingrings]

I’ve posted about DH before under a different user name.

He has so many issues it would take hours to write them out but at the heart of it he’s very childish and self centered. Without being offensive to ND users, I am convinced he is undiagnosed ASD, pretty much a classic case, but he won’t ever acknowledge that.
He’s deep down a good man, but extremely emotionally immature and goes into strops at the drop of a hat. I feel we argue more and more as I’ve just had enough.

I go back and forth almost daily as to what to do and whether to continue with the marriage. We have a 1 year old DC who is my absolute world and I suppose the only thing really keeping me in the marriage is the absolute horror I feel at the prospect of shared custody. Financially I’d be ok, as a fairly high earner, but we would have to sell our family home and the idea of not seeing DC for days at a time is too much for me to bear thinking about.

DH loves DC so much, he really does, and wants the best for them, but I do 99.9% of the childcare and know everything there is to know about DC’s needs and routine. I am solely responsible really for our household and finances. I genuinely would worry how a shared custody situation would work. He is so disorganised, last minute for everything and a complete workaholic in a long hours job. He simply would not be able to have DC on his own for days at a time. I genuinely think it’s in DC best interests for the status quo to remain, for now.

Has anyone else been in this situation, and stayed for this reason, and if so, for how long? I keep thinking when DC gets to a more independent age maybe it’ll feel easier to split. Long term I do not feel we are compatible, I don’t want this to be my life forever, unless somehow he can drastically grow up.

No advice but I’m in the same situation…I feel I need to leave for various reasons but we have a 4 month old. I consider waiting until he is at least 1.5 years, mostly because I think not all of my husbands parenting is safe atm and I can’t leave DC with him without worrying sick.

Sorry to hear you’re in the same situation. In my head I feel if DC was at the age where they could properly communicate their needs then maybe it would be better. He barely manages to feed himself properly (I tend to do all the cooking unless he’s working late, often, in which case he just eats some crap) so how he’d sort 3 healthy meals for DC, I don’t know, as an example!

I’m no expert but I don’t think he would automatically get 50/50 at such a young age if you’re very much the primary carer. Also it doesn’t sound as though he could do it anyway given his demanding job. I’d be expecting him to accept you are the resident parent and arrange something far less than 50/50.

Other than the practicalities of how you split the time with your child, do you have any other reasons for doubt? If not then I would say the coming year is your year of freedom! Go for it. It seems scary but, like anything, if you put the effort in to do the difficult stuff it will be so rewarding and such a relief in the long run.

Exactly! It’s these things I also worry about if I leave…my husband keeps forgetting/ignoring basic things like not using a blanket but a baby sleeping bag when putting our baby to bed for the night. I need to stay until I know my baby will be safe in his care, but probably once safe sleeping etc isn’t a topic anymore, there will be something else.

The thing is, on paper he’d seem a perfectly functional father, able to co parent, so I’m not sure I’d be able to sway more than 50% custody. I don’t really know the first thing about it though!

The idea of being free of his issues and in my own house with DC feels like a relief in some ways but I know a lot of that is fantasy as I know the reality would be really hard. I also feel so sad at the prospect of DC not growing up in the stable 2 parent family that I had the privilege of (parents very happily married) but I know that’s already not the case as our marriage isn’t healthy. I’m 36 so it feels like this would be ‘it’ in terms of any other children too. I shouldn’t even be considering another child with DH but I know it’d be too late to meet someone new (not sure I’d even want to!) and have a child with them, so DC will definitely be an only child with separated parents and that makes me so sad.

I would put a crisp fiver on it he is not at all disorganised in his workplace and his treatment of you people at home is further just for you.

Please educate yourself as to what ASD is because this is not it. There is nothing in your post to suggest he is on any ASD spectrum
and even if he was it is still no excuse or justification for his you and in turn these children are treated. He is really just your common or garden critical father. His parents likely act the same too.

It also sounds like he uses weaponised incompetence ie do a job at home do badly that you take over or you never ask him
to do that again. Again this is not a behaviour he displays in his workplace.

Given his workaholic nature I doubt very much he will see his children very much going forward as they will Interfere with his job. He may well demand 50/50 as a means of avoiding paying child maintenance so bear that in mind. The longer you remain with him the harder it will feel to make the break. Get legal advice and find out your options here as knowledge is also power.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want this for them rightly do and it should be the same for you. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. The important thing is that the unit is as functional and emotionally healthy as possible. Your child needs a responsible adult and that is you, not their dad.

But they’d be without me some of the time if we were to split? That’s my concern.

Your child is going to be without you some of the time anyway eg when they are at nursery or school. It may well come to pass he sees his child every other weekend going forward.

Custody arrangements will need to be thrashed out between you and he and given his workaholic nature he’s not going to see his child very much. your child needs an emotionally functional and consistent adult in their life, that is you and not dad.

What job does he do and how organised is he at that?

Would your dh actually WANT to have his dc 50% of the time?

Being ND doesn’t automatically make you a bad parent.
But working long hours will make it difficult for him to also pick up dc on time etc etc. Plus if he needs silence/cam/routine, he might well struggle with the cahos coming from having a young child.
Its easy to be a great parent when you’re a parent 10% of the time and your partner does the other 90%

My husband has ADHD. Struggles a lot with distraction, poor decision making, lack of 'common sense', forgetful among other things.

Anyway it had caused issues in our relationship but these were all magnified once we had a child because I just couldn't fully trust him to make the right and more importantly (safe) decisions.

Think, leaving dangerous items lying around. Not paying attention in car parks with a toddler who liked to run off, forgetting to strap him into his car seat a couple of times. Lots more examples but it would turn into an essay....

Also comes from a family of ND people who are very blasé with safety which I'm sure also contributed to it.

Anyway I contemplated leaving many times but like you, I couldn't bear the thought of him having unsupervised contact when our child was so young! I also love him and despite his problems he has tried (with varying success) to get a handle on the issues.

Anyway we're still together 10 yrs on. We still have problems but I no longer have to worry about our child's safety (for the most part!) and this has made it a lot easier to try and have some empathy for his very real issues and it's something that frustrates him greatly. He genuinely doesn't mean to do the things he does and hates himself at times.

I think for your own sanity and for the sake of the safety of your child you're going to have to stick it out for a while. This is probably the lesser of two evils right now.

Have you tried to broach the subject with him? Is he receptive at all or really defensive?

I've recently been advised by women's aid I'll need a lot of evidence of my husband's bad moods and low level neglect eg forgets nappy changes, teeth brushing, meals the changing bag regularly and they said potentially all this isn't enough to stop 50/50 contact. My husband will likely go for 50/50 and pay a nanny just to avoid giving me maintenance and to punish me for the split because whilst he finds looking after the children tedious and triggering he knows I adore them and will be devastated at shared custody. You might want to seek legal advice too.

The idea of my children having sugar and salt loaded beige food, far too much TV so he can scroll on his phone and ignore them and absolutely no routine with him, as well as the shouting when he can't cope with sensory overload keeps me stuck for now gathering evidence.

I know what you mean about ASD. It's an adult version of a meltdown I live with or on the edge of all the time; parenting can be very overwhelming with so little under the adults control.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. No easy answers....

The thing about this is that unless you’re going to wait until your child is up & moved out you’re always going to have to spend time without them. If you wait until they’re 12+ then a court would consider what they say they want custody wise but if he’s a good dad (in their eyes) then at 12 they could well say they want 50/50 or more with dad, so it’s always going to be an issue. There’s also the fact that if you wait until their say 4 or 5 and they then have to go through that change, different houses, separate time with each parent, they’ll have the understanding to be more upset about it and actually even if they don’t want to go, they have to.

There’s never really a particularly good time to do it for a child, but a child will grow up a lot happier and well rounded with a happy mum and living in a happy household, learning what healthy and safe relationships look like- even if that looks like two parents living apart.

The longer you hang on before leaving the more complex separating becomes.
Quietly split all your finances* and get out in 2025.
I left my ex when DTs were 1.5 because he did absolutely nothing & didn't have a job. It was tough but staying longer would have been worse.

I was fortunate because the house was in my sole name and the mortgage company had demanded he sign a legal document allowing him to live in the house as long as I permitted him to but had no legal claim over it. Oddly I've never heard of this happening to anyone else but bless the beuracracy that demanded it in my case (over 20 years ago).

• I closed the joint a/c that only I put money into 7 months before leaving. He never noticed but it proved to the court ghat I paid for everything.