So I have to be honest, I've had the worst Christmas ever this year.
I found out on 23rd December that I was 5 weeks pregnant. I am 40, this should be a good suprise and it kind of is but I am stressed to hell.
Reasons:
I've only been with the father for about 4 months officially. He actually lives with his mother not far away from me, doesn't have any savings and earns about 2k a month which isn't super high. He's a lovely guy, very kind, respectful, has all the time in the world for me, opens the car door for me etc etc. But we have been together 5 minutes. We've already been on a couple of holidays together - it's all been a bit of a whirlwhind and we've had a great time, he's very patient and easy to get along with though. But his circumstances aren't the best, he used to live in another country and moved back a year ago.
I live in a house share. I split up with ex about 18 months ago - was nasty. We both own the house and i'm living with my sister and our landlord while I wait for the house to be sold. It's hardly the ideal situation to be expecting.
The usual fears about pregnancy - terrified of everything. This is my first pregnancy ever.
I do think I want to keep the baby if I get past the first trimester obviously. I earn a pretty good wage (around 65k) but have basic maternity pay. Boyfriend is wanting to focus on making as much money as possible (possibly two jobs) before baby is born and he's been super supportive and all in since I told him. I'm just... panicking though. I'll need to get my own place, or get one with boyfriend which I don't really want to do just now because if I did that then it would feel like we were accelerating things too quickly.
I have considered terminating when i'm in my most panicked state. I just feel like Oh God not NOW. I never expected this to happen. I wasn't as careful as i should have been, I think the truth is that I grieved not having a child for so long, I read so much about how it was impossible that I was probably a bit blase. Maybe because secretly i wanted a child all along and thought rolling the dice was somehow a good idea? Don't judge me I already feel completely ashamed.
I feel like i should be happy but i am just.... worried. Stressed. I'm more worried about saving money right now. I had my hair done today and thought "well that's the last time i'll do that for a while". I'd sort of got used to the idea i'd be a 40 year old childless career woman and now this has happened and I can't even fathom being a mother.
The father wants to keep it, I know it's ultimately not down to him but he's the main source of my concern because he's a whole other human being and my experience with my last boyfriend wasn't great. This one is lovely, he's so patient, nothing is too much trouble, every time I am left alone i feel like the fears start eating me alive, then he comes over and i feel a bit better.
I'm very irritable and emotional at the moment, I feel bloated like a balloon, my boobs hurt constantly. I did two tests which were both positive and nearly passed out when i saw the line show up. I don't even want to talk to anyone right now - everyone who looks at me i'm like "WHAT DO YOU WANT". I have just spent as much time as possible alone. I don't know where to turn at the moment.
I feel like at 40 I should not be acting like this. I feel like i should be married, already living with someone, house in place... but no. I feel like a complete and utter MESS to be honest and i just want to cry all the time. Part of me wants a termination just to make the upset go away, another part of me thinks i'll regret it if i do.
Any advice welcome but please be nice. I feel pretty fragile right now.