Shape up or ship out - has anyone said this to their spouse and did it actually work

[MealDealDreamz]

I've had issues with my husband for a while and I've just basically told him that he needs to sort out the behaviour that upsets me or the marriage is over. He listened and has taken it on board. I have since found out that a close friend also had the shape up or ship out situation in the summer and her relationship is much improved. I'm just wondering how others have fared after this situation. I'm obviously hoping for positive stories...

I think it depends what the behaviour is really that is the issue as to how effective it would be, also depends how bothered they are about staying and how seriously they take you.

In my case it's been alcohol abuse and he's very keen to sort it as he knows he's been behaving badly towards me and this has gone on for a while. Classic mid life crisis and just taking me for granted. I have tried to get to the bottom of why he's been drinking so much more and he puts it down to feeling a bit useless (kids no longer 'need him', he was made redundant and his Dad died). While I have tried to be patient with him and of course supportive, something just snapped and I thought 'I don't need this shit anymore'. I made a list of things that have to improve and he has listened and said he wants to make another go of it. I've told him that I am not yet convinced he really means it or truly understands how I feel. I'd say we are still mid talks. We are due to go away in the new year but I've said I'm not going unless I am satisfied he is taking me seriously.

Sad to say but in my experience this might come back to bite you on the bottom.
i hope for your sake it works and he will indeed work at what you suggest but … leopards don’t change their spots. If he relapsed and you can’t take anymore, you then break up, amongst other things he might tell people who will listen, that you are controlling and he could never do anything right by you.
Just a thought. No criticism intended.

I think it might work in some circumstances where the person maybe doesn't realise how they are affecting their partner. Your situation is complicated by the alcohol abuse. It won't be just as easy as telling him to stop, and he does. Be prepared to follow through on the 'ship out' part if it comes to it

I did! I have a thread on here but DH basically checked out of raising our kids and any form of responsibility. I said things had to change, spoke through issues and what I expected change to look like and now 1.5/2 ish months on. Things have changed for the better.

It isn't easily when you harbour resentment though. I had to do some thinking about whether I could get past the things that had happened even if things did change.

I think an honest conversation about what you find unacceptable, see whether they say they are willing to change it, then whether it happens. Then you say you're leaving because it hasn't changed.

'Shape up or ship out' could be construed as controlling tbh, basically 'behave as I say or I'm divorcing you'.

Where the issue is alcohol OP I think you’re going to struggle unless he is going to seek professional support to address that. He can want to change, he probably means it when he says he does, but the pull of a drink is huge and outweighs anything. My BIL is an alcoholic, I’ve posted about him before, but this has been the cycle of his life. He lived with PIL who gave him this ultimatum, he promised the world and couldn’t do it, he then lived with us and we gave the same ultimatum and offered help, he promised and agreed, he failed. He has then lived with girlfriend who issued the same, he agrees and promises, we got a call just after Christmas to say he’s let her down too and so she is done and wants him out.

I do truly believe in the moment we talk to him that he wants to be better, I even think he does try to be better and short term he does change, but he cannot stick to it because the pull of alcohol to him is simply too strong and until he fully engages with proper support he will always be this way.

Thanks for your feedback. Yes it could be seen as controlling and I'm not really like that. I'm very forgiving and have been very understanding of a lot of what has gone on. Yet I'm also just at the point now (also having a mid life crisis?) where I absolutely must see some positive change or I need to do something about it. I do not want my marriage to end by any means but I also need to protect myself and my happiness.

I found I had to hit him where it hurt. And that actions speak louder than words. So I simply mirrored his behaviour. And it worked. I showed him what he could afford if we split.

@wizzywig was this to do with money? What happened? And are things better now?

Very similar situation here op & I made a thread just yesterday about my selfish husband. Our marriage has been ruined by his love of alcohol & around 6 months ago I told him to sort himself out or we'd be over to which he did but now the alcohol drinking has started to increase again.... in his words "it's Christmas" I don't see that as an excuse for a drink but he does unfortunately & I just know New Years Eve will bring a very similar excuse but think we are going to be stuck living together for the foreseeable as neither of us have anywhere to go & no spare money to live elsewhere.

Yes.... kinda.... also alcohol issues. I actually kicked him out and filed for divorce. After 6 months we started talking things through, he gave up all alcohol and we slowly started again. He didn't move back in for another 6 months though and he hasn't touched a drop since, even though I said it's okay (like a drink or two when we go out for dinner once a month is fine. 3-4 pints every evening was not).
I think you have to show you really really mean it for it to work, and be happy to accept the single life over what you have now

@fiddleleaffig I really want him to understand that I mean it but I'm not sure what else I can do. I have said a number of times that I am very serious about this. I also think that if he doesn't take me seriously then he does not respect me. And if he doesn't respect me then the marriage is over anyway. I wouldn't want the single life but I also desperately need things to change.

Hey @MealDealDreamz it was money, being treated as a second class person as I wasn't working at the time. Probably drastic, but I figured he didn't want to act like a husband so I got him a single bed. And I moved him into a different bedroom, stopped doing his ironing. Yeah it made things better. But me earning money made things more fairer. It's a work in progress

You follow through. That's all you can do. Give your ultimatum, give a time scale, and if the behaviour hasn't changed then you call it a day and end the relationship.
Single is far better then being in a miserable relationship so don't fear it

Shape up or ship out' could be construed as controlling tbh, basically 'behave as I say or I'm divorcing you'.

Or alternatively it's saying to him that he has a choice. He is free to choose between alcohol and his marriage. But it would be unfair to give him that choice without also making him aware of the consequences of each.

I think as a black and white statement it's difficult as there's so many situations this could be applied to.

Stop leaving dirty socks on the floor
Stop going golfing 3 times a week
Please help the kids with their homework more

All reasonable

I think this situation relates to an addiction (some would say disease) so in some ways it's a tougher situation as it's a bit more out of his hands - if he has an alcohol problem the first step he needs to do is accept it and then get help.

You're 100% correct with your standpoint though, the only thing you may have done wrong in the past is where you say "I have said a number of times that I am very serious about this". If this has been debated for a long time and he's had no consequences for his actions then he will see no reason to change.