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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Kids refusing to see their father at Christmas

7 replies

Jubelle · 28/12/2024 14:46

Hello, I'm separated from my ex husband for 3 years. The relationship was very controlling and he is a very nasty person but puts on a nice front when it suits him. There has been alot of hassle over access with me withholding it at times due to his treatment of the kids.

A new access order commenced 2 months ago with ex having access every 2nd weekend , on two of these occasions my 8 year old son ran away when he spotted his father at the school gate and in one occasion ran away from him and hid up a tree for 20 minutes before turning up a my house. Police arrived 30 minutes later saying he was reported missing by his father, I had text him to tell him my son was here but he still reported it. Obviously I am very worried about my children's mental health and they are both in therapy.

On boxing day I drove 2 hours to bring the kids to see their father as per court order. Children aged 11&8 refused to leave car and ex pulled me aside and said if I didn't physically force them into the car he would call police. I said I won't be forcing them, ex then sat my into car with them and basically kept trying to bribe them into going and threatening me with police.

Eventually I called police myself as I had said several times we were leaving and he was saying we weren't allowed to go( nuts I know) Today I received an email threatening me with court and saying I better have kids at same meeting place again today. I have decided that I am not putting the kids through that anymore nor myself and will be ignoring the court order and will put my case to the judge when in court as I am very worried about my kids mental health and tbh I don't really care what courts say anymore having been dragged in over 20 times in 3 years. Anyone been through something similar. Thanks

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 28/12/2024 17:01

A friend of mine had an abusive ex and neither of her DC wanted to see him. I think they were 10 and 12. The older one wrote to their dad's solicitor setting out their reasons for disliking time with their father and saying they would be happy to say the same in court.

Dad backed off. He didn't want his failures revealed in open court. The courts definitely take the views of children into account, particularly it it's obviously coming from the DC themselves not their mum

xyz111 · 28/12/2024 17:53

I have no experience with this but I would do the same as you. If my child was so distressed then I wouldn't put them through it either. I don't understand how a judge could argue against children being physically upset.

xyz111 · 28/12/2024 17:54

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 28/12/2024 17:01

A friend of mine had an abusive ex and neither of her DC wanted to see him. I think they were 10 and 12. The older one wrote to their dad's solicitor setting out their reasons for disliking time with their father and saying they would be happy to say the same in court.

Dad backed off. He didn't want his failures revealed in open court. The courts definitely take the views of children into account, particularly it it's obviously coming from the DC themselves not their mum

I think this is a good idea. Even with f the solicitor does nothing with it, it'll be useful for court.

HPandthelastwish · 28/12/2024 17:55

If you ignore the court order he could get residency. Go, make them available as you are supposed to and if they don't get out of the car in 20 minutes drive off.

Badgersandfoxes · 28/12/2024 17:58

Do you have a solicitor? I’d be asking to go back to court myself and stating the wishes of my children.

Collette78 · 28/12/2024 17:58

What’s the reason the kids don’t want to see him?

I appreciate the relationship between you and him wasn’t good, but what specifically is upsetting the kids about seeing their dad?

Unless there is harm to them physically / mentally then ideally you should try and co parent as cordially as possible.

There’s nothing worse than when couples split up then use kids as weapons or get them involved (not that I’m saying this is the case but you’ve not really said why they have chosen not to see him)

You've said you’ve withheld access multiple times so it’s obviously all a bit fraught which understandably will impact the kids.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/12/2024 18:12

Yes me. DS told the court aged 7 he did not want to see his father and the court ordered no contact until DS was 18.
Exactly the same kind of scenario.

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