DC, MH, DH & sex

[notwavingbutsinking]

This should perhaps be in MH or Children's MH but I'm posting here for traffic.

Brief back story. Married to DH for 25 years. Generally a strong, solid partnership. He is a good man and a good father. We've had some ongoing issues around mismatched libido (mine being much lower) since the children came along (three DC, now all teens) but we've generally been a good (enough) place for many years.

Very sadly one of the DC developed significant MH issues three or four years ago. It's been the hardest time of our lives and has taken it's toll on our whole family and on our marriage. During these years there have been periods of relative calm when life almost feels normal and there is joy to be had, but there have also been times of crisis when quite frankly it's been fucking awful and very dark. I'm the primary support for our unwell DC and it's ravaged my own mental health if I'm honest.

Unfortunately we seem to be in another crisis and things are tough right now, and probably tougher than before because each time I lose a bit of hope that DC will recover. So I'm feeling pretty shit. I put one foot in front of another and plaster on a smile for the sake of unwell DC and their siblings but inside I'm crumbling.

Anyway that is the back story. The reason I'm posting is because this time our marriage feels under so much strain it might actuly snap. At the heart of it is that I have absolutely zero interest in sex right now. None. If I'm honest I can take it or leave it anyway, but I enjoy it when I get going and it's very important to DH and I love him so it's important to me too.

But right now it's not just that I'm not feeling it, I actively don't want to. The thought of having sex while our DC is feeling so desperate in the room next door is so absurd as to be laughable, if it wasn't driving DH and I apart. The trouble is sex is hugely important to him to feel connection and intimacy. He is always respectful and believe me when I say he is absolutely not a sex pest but it is written all over his face how hard is finding this. It would probably be easier if usually we have a very active sex life but he already feels unloved on this department.

I don't know what to do. I honestly think this might break us. We are both suffering and sad and we can't reach each other to support each other.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP
Is it possible to book a night away just you and your H ?
Supporting each other and is of equal importance to supporting a child x

You will have become hyper vigilant around your child I would have thought which is completely understandable. This will make it nigh on impossible to switch roles from caring, all consuming carer for your child to wife and intimate partner for your husband. Please please please be kind to yourself, this isn’t a failing of yours and it sounds like you’re trying to do the impossible task of keeping everyone happy… except yourself. It’s jungle important to get some tlc in for yourself and your husband needs to help you out with this too. This shouldn’t ALL be on your shoulder x

Thank you so much for your reply, that is exactly right, it is just impossible for me to switch roles like that right now.

DH does everything he can to support me and is hugely supportive of me taking time out for myself. But if I'm honest it's started to feel like sometimes he is doing these things in the boyish hope that it will "fix" me and that I'll come back from yoga or book club or whatever and magically feel like sex. Perhaps I am imagining it but I can almost see the disappointment on his face when it becomes clear it's not going to happen. And it's not his fault. It's hugely important to him. But it's setting up an awful cycle. He's grumpy and snappy and also scared and sad just like I am.

Unfortunately that is impossible right now due to DC's illness. DC cannot be left alone even for us to go for a quick drink, one of us has to be here. (not because they are at risk of self harm thank god but they become very distressed).

I absolutely agree it would be a good think though. We get time out for ourselves but never as a couple.

Communication is key. Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Reassure him that you love him and you understand where he’s at but that your own mh is suffering and you don’t feel sexual. Get some MH support for yourself. You can’t adequately support anyone if you’re not healthy yourself. So that’s important. You have a mental block re having sex being, “absurd” and “laughable” atm due to your child’s needs. While this is understandable you need to disconnect the two. It isn’t laughable, is integral to the health of your marriage. A healthy and strong marriage isn’t just important to you and your husband but to your children too. So, it’s important that you get support for your own mh, support for your child and communicate with your DH. Perhaps you should work on building non-sexual intimacy first. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, sharing feelings, non-sexual touch, spending time together. You might also consider ways which you can sexually connect with your husband that doesn’t involve full blown sex. Of course you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to but there are other ways you can build intimacy. I think you should seek some therapy to address these issues and make sure you’re own mh doesn’t spiral out of control.

Im so sorry that you are going thru a crisis and seeing your children in this place is not easy, makes you feel utterly helpless and puts such a strain on household and
relationship. From my own experience of this as well, home does not become safe or relaxing - but a place of tension and high alert - really not a place that is conducive for love making.

I also know that it takes effort to keep a relationship with your OH especially when you feel like ur already running on empty. However, if you are wanting to stay together then you have to be able to communicate and I read ur post and changed sex for connection. Where is that in ur relationship? Do you go out together? Have times for each other? Get out of the house together? Maybe it’s starting there rather than in the transaction of sex.