Advice.

[ForWiseZebra]

Hi lovely ladies
I've been chatting and video calling a guy whom I started chatting with via match since 2020.
There have been lots of ups and downs since then in terms of where it is going.
We both suffer from anxiety.
Recently he made some suggestions about him arranging to come up to My home town to meet me finally.
He is aware of a lot of personal issues of mine and vice versa.
He has said as a suggestion to move down to London, so he can give me the things I want and crave, a family, sense of belonging etc.
I have children from a previous relationship, I have mentioned briefly the situation, my eldest who is 8, has requested she finishes primary school before we relocate.
There is a history of dv from my previous relationship, their father has no contact at all due to this.
My worry is, moving down there and somehow it not working, and I'm isolated all over again, he has expressed he would do everything to make it work, the reason he can't leave London is because he can't leave his dad and brother, friends and work behind, but he is expecting it from me by stating the reasons above.
I am not happy where I am, it's triggering, lots of bad reminders of my past, I'm estranged from everyone, but at the same time I'm afraid to make that leap again, when it hasn't worked in the past, but at the same time the life I could have sounds like everything I've always wanted - but I would also be leaving behind a job I love too.

I'm really stuck, not sure what to do at all.

Thank you for listening.

To clarify, you've never met this bloke after 4 years of chatting?

And he wants you to move to London?

Seriously op? Have you heard of scammers by any chance....

So you’ve chatted for 4 years without meeting and he’s asking you to move?

Honestly have you never heard of catfishing?

That's a hard no. He can come up to visit. And if he does that for a while and you are in an actual relationship that you wish to pursue down the line you make that decision.

What you should do is end this "relationship" and get on with your life in the real world.

Absolutely bonkers. Why haven’t you met before? Assuming you live in the UK there is
no reason not to have met. Even if he lived in Australia I’d have expected you to meet at least a few times in 4 years or at least once. Why is he now “talking” about coming to meet you? Why hasn’t that been done years ago?

This isn’t a long distance relationship btw. You need to have actually met someone in person for it to constitute a LDR romantic. He clearly has women he sees in real life - you do know that don’t you? And if not, he’s likely very emotionally unavailable because if this is an arrangement which suits any man it means they don’t really want a relationship. They want a text buddy.

Many years ago I was talking to a man in NYC, I met online. after a few days I mentioned I was coming to Philadelphia the next month (it was already booked) he just said oh okay have a good time.

I immediately told him this wasn’t going to work and blocked him, because the fact that he hadn’t jumped at the opportunity to meet me - NYC is less than 2 hours away from Philly - showed me that he had no real intention of having a proper relationship. Any man that isn’t at least trying to figure out how he can meet you in person early on is a red flag. They usually either have extremely poor relationship skills or are just stringing you along and have someone else.

Do any of your friends and family know you’re considering uprooting your child from her friends and school to go and live with a man you’ve never met?

To be clear this is a shameful and stupid plan. You need to get a grip and I just hope your child does not come to harm.

@ForWiseZebra Are you seriously considering leaving the security of your home, job and disrupting the lives of your children for a man you have never physically met or even spent an hour with in person?
It all sounds very romanticised, you have had four years of escapism from your life with ‘someone’ behind a screen.

Yes, you may have video called and talked , that is not the same as living and being with someone 24/7.

What happens if you meet and realise that actually you don’t like each other or he doesn’t like your children or vice versa?
I seriously suggest you give these things thought and attention and at the very least give yourselves times to see how workable and practical this is- travel to London and ‘date in person’ , do normal things like go for dinner, spend long weekends and holidays together- get to really know each other!

Dont rush into something you could live to regret

This man is a total stranger, he could be anyone. It would not be in your kids best interests to be made to be around some random bloke.
They're already traumatised, just keep the internet friend if he enhances your life, but don't make your kids get involved.

Hi Ladies,
I am not definitely considering this, I am getting niggles which I am listening to hence why I reached out and asked because sometimes our judgement can be clouded at times. So I just need to gather views on this. Ideally I stated oh you should move up here to see what reaction I would get. I was testing him. Maybe I'm still traumatised from my past and that is what's happening here in the present.
I appreciate your views on this.

No we've chatting and videoed during that time i have questioned this and the response has been he's been working on his mental health, also stating that I've been unsure too.

It's a really bad idea to uproot your child's life and leave a job you enjoy, to move in with a man you've never met.

Having had an abusive relationship it's perfectly understandable to avoid vulnerability by having an online relationship. However you're living in a fantasy world and you don't know this man.

There are a lot of things you can do to improve your life. You could move if your area reminds you of your abusive past. You could get trauma based therapy to help deal with your anxiety. You could try other strategies such as support groups, the Freedom Programme, medication, exercise, meditation etc

Most importantly, you can build your self esteem and confidence and be by yourself for a while. Work on your estranged relationships and social life and get yourself to a better place.

Op have you heard yourself?

You’ve been chatting since 2020…..but never met
There have been plenty of ‘ups and downs’ since then on where it’s going? How? You haven’t even bloody met the guy!

You ‘both’ suffer from anxiety! Do you know this for certain? Or are you just going by what he’s said in chats. I mean people online can tell you anything can’t they!

He recently made some suggestions about coming to your home town to meet you! Bloody hell I think I’d have given up if he hadn’t suggested that after 4 weeks not 4 years!!

He is aware of a lot of personal issues of yours? So you told a stranger on the internet who you never met all your personal issues?

He is suggesting you MOVE to London so he can give you the things you want? You never even bloody met the guy ffs!

“My worry is moving down there and it somehow not working”. Why would you even think of moving to be with a guy you never met before?

I can tell you with 100% certainty he is either a catfish, fraud, scammer or abuser. How do you know he’s not trying to lure you into some trap! If he can’t be arsed to meet up with you in 4 years why the hell would you move to London to be with him (so that he can give you the things you want of course).

This thread is batshit! I don’t mean that in a nasty way op but you really do need to come to your senses and see that this has red flags all over it. I think you are obviously vulnerable and have built up some fantasy in your head of how you think this guy will be and he damn well knows this and playing on your vulnerability

Spot on @Mumofnarnia

OP,I’d also add that instead of wasting your time video calling this man who can’t be arsed to have a proper relationship with you, you should invest time into therapy - even if it’s just self-therapy you can afford. So that one day you’ll be able to have a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost and possibly with a man.

And you’d be better focusing on being a present and engaged parent for your kids who have already been in at least one traumatising situation, don’t have contact with their father and will likely be affected by this for life let alone their childhood.

I have children from a previous relationship, I have mentioned briefly the situation, my eldest who is 8, has requested she finishes primary school before we relocate.

This is so sad - so you’ve obviously raised this bonkers relocation idea with your 8 year old child? Your “eldest” is still a baby, she shouldn’t be worried about negotiating relocation times.

I've been accessing mental services since 2020 in some capacity I'm currently accessing trauma counselling. Again I think it's the trauma of my past resurfacing. I asked my daughter to make her feel involved to gather her thoughts... I have doubts hence why i am reaching out here

It is definitely the trauma resurfacing. I just want to tell you that it isn’t normal to chat to someone who you intended to have a romantic relationship with for 4 years and never meet them. It also isn’t normal to move to be with someone who you have never met. Stick to the therapy and maybe discuss this thread with them and what you have written here because none of it is normal. This guy is preying on your vulnerability and has an ulterior motive.

You are jumping way way ahead of yourself and tying yourself in knots completely unnecessarily! You shouldn’t even be thinking/talking about who would relocate if your relationship develops.

Meet him, go on a date, see if you even get on in real life……… before even considering anything else.

I understand if you started chatting in 2020 then it was difficult to meet quickly however I would expect as soon as restrictions were lifted he’d be rushing to meet you asap.

Do you even know he is who he says he is? There was a recent thread where a woman was meeting a guy every week for 4 years and she fully believed they were in a LDR. Turned out he’s married with a kid and even gave her a false name.

This man could be anyone telling you anything

It’s not normal to not meet someone after a few weeks let alone years

I am glad that you are receiving some help with your mental health. It’s good also you reached out on here, but do you have family and friends you can discuss this with in real life?

It sounds unfortunately as if there’s some parentification going on. You shouldn’t be considering this move let alone involving your 8 year old daughter at this stage. This is too much of a burden to carry for young shoulders. She’s already been through so much if she was exposed to your abusive relationship.

Are your children receiving help for their trauma? They really need stability at this time and to know their mum is a responsible adult who will keep them safe and make good decisions.

Following on the children were 2 years and 9 months old when I left. The trauma hasn't impacted them the way it has me.

I agree with the ending. I just want to be a good mum hence why I am not being hasty and just up rooting them for the sake of it.

I’m glad they don’t have a conscious memory of any incidents but just bear in mind kids under 5, even unborn children can definitely be severely affected by being in highly stressful or violent environments - there’s heaps of research on this.

That aside, having an absent parent is traumatic in itself so if they (rightly) don’t see that violent dad - that will also impact them.

Part of being a good parent is also not sharing with children things they don’t need to be worrying about. Former educator and social services worker here - I saw far too many children that were part of what should’ve been adult conversations. I also saw how it affected them.

Honestly OP, it’s bizarre you’d even entertain any of this even if you didn’t have kids.

There is nothing normal about talking or even thinking of moving in with someone you’ve never met but have spoke to for 4/5 years.

Please share this with any mental health specialist that you are receiving treatment from and/ or trusted family (not your 8 year old) This is not a healthy situation.

I think again its trauma, she did say this week please be careful as people aren't what they seem..
I think I've still got lots of work to do on Me processing things.
I've accessed plenty but I just need to keep going with it.

I am sorry OP - but your post screams red flags!!

Why have you not met in 4 years you have been chatting YET you are considering to not only move your life but that of your DC too.

This is definitely not something a normal person would do. Why have you not met?

@ForWiseZebra you can’t uproot your kids for a stranger a virtual stranger!
Cut this man off .
Actions speak louder than words.
Jeeze it’s been nearly 5 years .
This is terrifying god knows what situation you could get yourself and your kids into

You'd be absolutely mad to uproot your kids for someone you've never met during the 4 years you've spoken.

Yes no doubt trauma is having an adverse impact on your judgement and decision making skills right now -which is why it’s wise to keep discussing this with mental health support professionals and your support circle.

I think I've still got lots of work to do on Me processing things.
I've accessed plenty but I just need to keep going with it.

Indeed! Good luck with that, OP.