Boundaries?? How?

[manifest2025]

The current self care buzz for 2025 is 'set healthy boundaries' but no one actually explains how to do this?

How is this possible if you live with or are around people that are toxic or make you feel uncomfortable?

Thoughts...

Start off with learning what your boundaries are. Until you know that, you can't set them. Pay attention to how you feel in certain situations or with certain people. You don't actually have to do anything until you are ready. Also, your boundaries are your responsibility, not other people's. So telling someone else not to call you at 9pm, for example, is a request/demand, whereas 'if you call at 9pm, I won't answer the phone' is a boundary. That's just a simplistic example.

I don’t answer my phone after 9. It goes on silent and I turn it on when I’m ready to take calls. If I don’t want to do something I say no, that doesn’t work for me. The more you say no the easier it gets

Well surely it's about being clear in your own mind what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable behaviour?

If people you know behave in a way that is unacceptable to you then you need to be able to talk to them about the issue.. You can't make people change their behaviour. So if they themselves are unwilling to change their behaviour then you need to be prepared to extricate yourself from your relationship with them.

You could decide not to be around people who are toxic or make you uncomfortable, or limit their access to you.

Be aware that toxic people can do or say things in order for you to react, so that you look like the bad one/crazy/whatever. Once you know that you can make sure you don't rise to their bait. That boundary is not fueling their fire.

Not having these people in your life is the better option though, if that is possible for you.

I found saying no really helped. It doesn't need to start with anything big...it could be in reply to if you want a cup of tea, for example.
Just getting used to the word and not being agreeable all the time.
I found boundaries are like building blocks and you need a solid foundation, which, first of all, is knowing what your own boundaries are.
I've set firm boundaries with my family over what I am and am not prepared to do in terms of care of our 91 year old mother. There is no confusion of my position and I don't feel guilty etc at all.

If you're surrounded by people who treat everything as a battle and/or a game to be won, you have probably taken on a role in this game/battle play. Think about this. Are you an appeaser, a provoker, a joker, a victim, a rescuer or some other position? Most 'games' have roles that can be switched, or shifts where the game becomes a different game, so you could most likely identify two or three roles that always seem to be yours.

Look at how these games start. You should be able to spot opening moves, and even trace them back to before the move is made. There will be patterns.

By all means work some of this through on here if it will help. The main point, though, is that you can't control what other people do but you are in charge of your reactions. Interestingly, changing your reactions usually changes the other person's next move. Your goal is NOT TO PLAY. Instead of protesting, pleading, placating, etc, just give bland acknowledgements. Examples:
~ Hmm, I see.
~ Understood.
~ Oh, dear.
~ That's nice.
~ OK, let me know.
~ I'll get back to you on that.

Always do these calmly, neutrally, with no expression beyond mild interest.

If you get pushed around a lot, give bland refusals:
~ No, that won't work for me.
~ No, thanks.
~ I already said no.
~ Not today, I'll get back to you.
~ I can't help, hope you get it sorted.

Calm, neutral, firm, do not engage further.

If you have difficulty stepping out of position and feel your emotions rising, don't speak straight away. Breathe slowly and count to ten in your head - it's perfectly okay to make someone wait for a reply. You'll be surprised how quickly you stop being 'activated' by their nonsense.

Thank you
Amazing answers
I appreciate the advice
It really means a lot when you feel trapped in the world

Here is one of mine- I hate being around cigarette smoke and it makes me feel unwell and breathless, so smokers cannot smoke on my property and I won't visit them if they smoke in the house.

Here is another. I don't like visitors staying in my house more than 3 nights max. So I make it clear when making arrangements that they can arrive on X date and leave on X date. I don't wait to see what they want to do.

Think about how situations make you feel. If the feeling is not good then you are at one of your boundaries. The hardest part is finding your confidence to communicate to others that you are not willing of allow that bad feeling in your life. This is enforcing your boundaries. Which also feels unpleasant at first. It’s easier with practice.

I used to be confused by boundaries too. I'd set them with my then husband. Things like, If you shout at me, I'm going to walk away and won't engage with you until you're calm. He just used to chase me when I walked away and then I'd lock myself in the spare room while he screamed at me.

But actually, you don't need to tell people your boundaries, really. You just need to decide what you will and won't tolerate and act on it. They're your boundaries and you're responsible for holding them.

So, the first time he ever shouted at me, I should have said to my ex husband I don't tolerate aggression and then next time he was aggressive, I should have left. Or, I could have just left after he shouted the first time, and that would be even stronger!

Boundaries aren't a negotiation. You choose them. You hold them.

If you're struggling to feel sure about what boundaries are reasonable, I really suggest speaking to a therapist. It has really helped me understand how I kept ending up in abusive relationships.

Here are two videos which tell you how to do it and gives examples that you can follow.
https://www.youtube.com/live/zCiPCHeFTE?si=IMZni1grMKU3S4FF

Also, OP, people for a variety of reasons are going to try and challenge the existence of your boundaries.

For example, my father knew for my whole time with my ex husband that he shouted at me and chased me. I would tell my dad that I didn't like it and it made me unhappy. He would tell me I needed to work it out and find ways to resolve conflict.

I told my dad that my then husband scared me. I told him that I was scared he was going to hurt me. My dad told me I'd be fine. My ex husband injured me very badly about four weeks later.

I was desperately checking my boundary with my very loved and trusted dad, and he was undermining it. But it was my boundary and my life and I should have loved and trusted myself enough to know what I did or did not want.

This is why I suggest a therapist to work things out. You can't necessarily trust the people who claim to love you to act in your interests. I know that's a really scary and lonely idea but I think you should take it seriously.