To stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids or leave?

[Lorcee123]

Hi All,

Title sums it up really.
I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and we have 3 very young children 6 and under.

The relationship has become quite toxic and I’m very unhappy. My partner is not the person I thought he was. Over the last few years I’ve found out about a lot of debt he’s been in. Also found out he had money problems at the start of the relationship and never told me.
He’s recently been diagnosed with Bpd (borderline personality disorder) which explains a lot. He’s very emotionally unstable and I’m made to feel like the bad person a lot of the time when in reality I couldn’t do any more for him. I often feel like I’m bringing up a teenage son. He lies quite a lot and struggles to hold down a stable job.

Ive been considering leaving for a while but im really stuck with what to do. My children are my world and i worry they will suffer during the break up and then emotionally without their dad about as they do love having him around.

Money will be extremely tight for me as a single mum of 3 even with some universal credit support (I’m currently working full time but am entitled to this if I’m alone). I’m unsure if he would be able to give much child support as he’s just terrible with money and I think he’d probably just stop working if he had the chance.

Due to his very poor credit and financial issues, he would have no choice other than to move back in with his parents 1.5 hours away and he wouldn’t be accepted for any rent/mortgage etc for at least 5/6 years (he’s currently in an IVA). The only way for him to see his children would be at our current home which is fine but I will just feel like I’m doing absolutely everything alone. There won’t even be a days respite and I don’t know if I would regret it because of this. At least now I get a bit of support with the kids when he’s home.

Any advice from anyone who’s been in this situation? Can you just fake it until the kids are older just to keep their lives normal? Or is it worth just taking the risk and doing what I feel would make me happier? (I think?)

x

How is he with the kids? Is he a present dad?

Honestly in your situation I would leave while you can because it will never improve and it’s better to be alone than to be forever second guessing and waiting for the other shoe to drop

He is good most of the time, he loves them very much and plays with them often. He’s always been pretty hands on in terms of nappies/dinners etc as long as I let him know what needs to be done. However his mental health/bpd can mean it’s a struggle at times.
He has episodes where he’s extremely lazy and self centred and I feel as though he isn’t putting the children first, then he’ll snap out of it for a while and seem more helpful.
The financial and career decisions he makes are extremely selfish and again don’t put his family first. I’m not sure if I’d completely trust his decision making around the children if he had them on his own for long periods of time.

Thank you, this is what I’m leaning towards and I do wonder if the thought of ending the relationship would even leave me if I decided to stick it out for a while. I want my children to have a happy mum - I’m definitely not at the moment. But will money worries and 100% responsibility 24/7 just give me something else to be unhappy about? X

I think having an unreliable and unstable partner on top of three young children sounds relentless hard work. Does he take medication for his BPD? Personally I would be asking for a separation before he wears you down and affects your credit rating and mental health to a point where you wont have the strength to end it.

@Lorcee123,
this is what I would tell myself if I was to do it all again. I would stay with my kids dad. Because

1. The loneliness of being a single mum with all the responsibilities in your hands.
2. The Access he will have to have anyway with the kids away from you possibly with a new girlfriend/wife and different rules the kids have to follow.
3. The constant worry that comes with kids being away from you and with their dad doing God knows what.
4. Finally not so important but finding a new partner who you can trust around your kids, who will love you unconditionally with your kids, who will treat your kids as their own, we all need someone at the end of the day when kids have gone to bed, when we get old, when we are lonely.

if I was to start again I would have put up with my ex annoying habits to save the kids the nightmare of going back and forth, meeting new people, coparenting with different rules, etc. at the end of the day it’s you who knows how much you can take for your mental health and wellness if staying with him makes you stressed and a sad mother then maybe it’s time to wrap it up. But think along these lines I’ve mentioned before leaving. It’s a catch 22 situation, kids usually don’t care about all the things we mothers fuss about, they care about the nourishment they get from their dad in terms of play and engagement.

But the thing is you already have money worries because you have a partner you cannot rely on financially, who may even still have more debt you don’t know about, so at least on your own you know it is JUST you and the kids to worry about. And really, how much less than 100% responsibility do you have now? You’re having to tell him what needs to be done as it is and if you don’t know when these episodes will appear then you can’t rely on him for that either. You’d actually have less responsibility if you left because you’d have 1 less person to worry about.

I'll tell you a hard experience of staying with my kids for them (as a man, not the majority I know). Both I and them were suffering from their's mum poor mental health / drinking but I didn't leave because:

• my XW had threatened I'd never see them
• I'm foreign and have no family in the UK
• She'd have the support of her own family in the event of separating.

So I remained with her and protected them from the inside, rather than exclude myself and fail to protect them from the outside. I'm saddened to think of those lost years for their and my life, but I continue to believe that a British judge would never have given daughters to a foreign father over a British mother, unless there was a mountain of evidence of abuse. By the time the mountain of evidence was there my daughters were old enough to choose anyway, but the damage had also accumulated.

You have a choice. It hasn't always been the case in history, and from experience, it isn't always the case now. Treat choice like the luxury that it is.

That is, treat choice seriously. But, your choice (IMO) is not "leave or stay". It is "leave or repair". I mean, don't accept the status quo. Some suggestions:

• Money. It sounds like something unhealthy is going on. Ask yourself what you want... Transparency, knowing what you're jointly liable for, and a man that can resist his impulses when it comes to his wallet?
• Being more consistent in his support. Or did I understand that correctly? It sounds like he's wonderful when he wants / feels able to be, but then not at other times, without any warning. Which can relieve you of some time, but not mental load.
• Getting help. Are there things that you can only progress with with external help? Could you get him to accept that?
• I would be open about that hard choice but you also want it to be non-threatening (probably), so... look at how your life is to decide what form conversations take.

Hope this helps. I wish you a purposeful, if not precisely happy, 2025. Made of choices.

He could pick up kids and take them to his parents at the weekend

Leave.

My mother stayed until youngest was 18. All four children are mentally and emotionally screwed from being in daily close proximity to an abusive man. All four children (youngest now in late 50s) have had toxic or abusive relationships themselves as none knew what a healthy one looked like.

Leave for your children's sake.