Does it count as a lie...

[Moorhen]

...if you're just not telling your DH you don't like his mother?

She's not a bad person - brought up some really great people including my DH - but our life views are fundamentally different and I hear an awful lot about hers because she will not stop talking! She has never, ever asked me a question, has no idea of what I do for a living etc etc etc. She's also quite self-pitying and always complaining that kids don't ring her etc (of course she never rings them...) and making digs about kids, partners etc.

I can grit my teeth and put up with it all and don't want DH to worry so always insist everything's fine when he asks. Is about only thing, I think, that am not truthful with him about.

So ethically, is this OK or should I just tell the truth quietly and rationally before I go mad one day and just VENT VENT VENT?

It's not a lie unless he's/someone's asked you and you've said you like her!

There's the possibility that your DH might feel the same as you on some issues but you know it's one of those life things ... he can say/think what he wants about his own mother/family or whatnot BUT if anyone else says anything (even you as his DW) then there's trouble!

So ..I'd try as much as possible to sit on it - or vent via a good friend, it'll help you feel better but they won't be offended/hurt/pissed off/whatever ... that's what I do

It's not really a matter of ethics, is it?

If you are biting your tongue and going along with things you don't agree with or want, then of course you should make a stand on those issues.

But saying "I really don't like your mother" is a bit pointless, and in my experience leads to loads of negativity - particularly if you find your dh agrees with you. It turns into a pastime, slagging off the mil, and you end up spending more energy on the old bag than necessary.

Like with kids, criticise the behaviour, not the person.

Ah. Am a liar then. But one with the best of intentions

You're right about it being OK for him to say/think it, and he's pretty good about the MIL issues my mum creates.

Grrr tho. We're due to visit soon, luckily having drink with mate at w'end so can get pre-emptive vent in then...

I have a similar situation with my MIL and one of my two SILs. I am open with DH about how I feel but ONLY with him. He understands and often feels the same and understands that its a way for me to vent my frustration without causing a family row

If its bugging you enough to post on here I do think you should talk to DH about it but within context ie after a particualrly gruelling visit or something, don't just land it on him, that wouldn't be fair. Also think about what you want him to do about it, do you just want him to listen to you blow off steam every so often or do you want him to intervene?

For me its important to be able to just to blow off steam in order to maintain family harmony but I am always mindful that they are DHs family and he loves them and is protective of them. Reminding myself of that often diffuses my anger I find as its more important to me not to hurt him

hth