Selfish husband

[Whattohavefordinneragain]

Things not great for a while, hes always liked a drink which has always caused problems around 6 months ago it became an even bigger problem & I told him if he didn't sort himself out our marriage would be over to which he did.... until now.
He works 8/10 hour days driving so not physical but a lot of concentration, I only work 2 days a week cause of the kids but I do everything majority of the shopping cooking, cleaning & 99.9% of dealing with the kids (even when hes not working) He's been drinking Christmas eve night Christmas day & Boxing day night. Apparently he's allowed to get pissed as he works really hard (which I've never disputed) but he was implying I do nothing & later apologised. I'm the one that's up at 6am every day sort kids myself school run ferry elderly parents around/ go to work school run make sure kids have stuff for packed lunch/ evening meal clean uniform etc etc. Hes never taken both kids out anywhere & only ever taken the eldest out on his own twice & he's nearly 7.
He was meant to get up with the kids today but no, he eventually got up at 10am then disappeared back to bed at 12.30 & he's still there so I'm left dealing with the kids & trying to find stuff to entertain them yet again. Hes always moaning he's always at work & never sees us but he makes absolutely no effort when he's here. He's probably the most selfish person I know. To be perfectly honest it's actually easier & less stressful when he's not here so I guess my question is has anyone been in a similar situation & actually kicked the husband out? How long did you go on for & what was the final straw? I really don't think I could manage on my own financially & not in a position to save any money either as we just don't have any spare.

What does 'always liked a drink' mean? You say you have little spare money so was he drinking every night spending all your spare cash and what's he like when he drinks?

I can understand him wanting to have a few drinks and relax but he's obviously completely disengaged from family life. I doubt he has a good relationship with his children if he doesn't make any effort.

You're making a lot of sacrifices here. Are you paying into a pension? What about your career and social life if you're cooking, cleaning and running around after children?

I would focus on becoming more financially independent and speak to him about pulling his finger out.

You are married to an alcoholic so his primary relationship is with drink, not you people. If this man drives for a living is he driving stone cold sober or is he always on a comedown from alcohol?.

What’s the point of him and of you and he being together now?.  He’s made a further choice here and he’s chosen drink.  It was ever thus.

Have you considered starting divorce proceedings?. I would seek legal advice asap to consider all aspects of separation and divorce. No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable and you will probably find there is money now he is not there drinking it away. Your kids too deserve better than an alcoholic for a father and a man at that who is rarely if ever really present in their lives. I would also suggest you contact al-anon as they are very helpful with those affected by another persons drinking.

To be perfectly honest it's actually easier & less stressful when he's not here

Well, there's your answer.

Get your ducks in a row and work towards getting yourself in a position where you can manage financially.

Ducks:
Gather all financial documentation
Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
See an experienced family solicitor

If you don't change anything, nothing changes. And he won't change, so it's up to you. You are not the first to go through this - you CAN do this.

I should of added he doesn't drink when he's got work, it's only in the last couple of years he's had a driving job but his drinking has always been a problemon his days off. He said some horrible things a while ago while drunk to which he didnt remember the following day which prompted my sort yourself out or we are over ultimatum. We agreed to 1 bottle of wine a week & that's been fine for the last 6 months but it's gradually started creeping up again, a bottle of gin here a bottle of vodka there apparently for us to share but he drinks at least ¾ of it if not more & yes I get it Christmas & I don't begrudge anyone a drink or 2 but when there's kids to be looked after then I'm not happy about it. I do go out occasionally but there is usually a deal where he gets a bottle of wine if I go out, he doesn't have any family or friends to go out with so it seemed mean ( & controlling) to say no.
He's still in bed so I've poured myself a gin from a bottle he was given for Christmas 🤣

Bargaining like that with him was never going to work. He had not sorted himself out either so you and he are over or should be. He’s merely paid lip service to it.

An ultimatum as well can only be issued once as repeated ultimatums lose all their power otherwise. If you were not fully prepared to see that through it should not have been issued.

He should not be drinking at all if he is alcohol dependent. Your home should be an alcohol free one. Get him now out of bed too, your dc are likely wondering why dad is not around again.

You have a choice re this man and they do not. Make better choices going forward for their sake as well as your own. Be tired of being the last one who matters here.

Do you not wonder why he has no family it friends to go out with?. It’s likely because he’s driven them all away by his attitude and drinking to excess. You’re merely now propping him up and otherwise enabling him. A state which does you no favoured either.

His parents are both dead, he hasn't spoken to his only sibling in 10 years as they fell out after his parents death. He does have a couple friends but not to go out with as such as they don't live close, he gets on with people at work but not to socialise with outside of work

Driving a lonely job. Long hours. No parents. Estranged from other family. Could he be using alcohol as a crutch and way to escape? Different perspective but strangers on the internet often too quick to say leave - kick him out - turn your life upside down. Unfortunately real life not that easy.
Sounds like you do all need a lot more from him. Why not sit him down and say you want to be closer. You want better for the kids. Ask what he needs from you and tell him what you need from him? Instead of ultimatums tell him the impact on you when he’s there but not. He managed 6 months so couple days blip a set back but might be he feels a stranger at home too.
If he isn’t willing to listen or properly step up you’ll have your answer but try tackling it in cold light of day maybe with a bit more compassion for his side too (not wholly!). Frustrating and get that you’re holding it all together but might be your approach can help him feel like he is wanted and his time with kid’s important too. Good luck.

He’s been like this for a long time so it’s not too quick to start thinking about leaving. He’s never taken both kids out on his own and has taken their eldest out twice. Do you not think they deserve better?. Op is doing all the cut work here as well as working part time outside the home.

At 4;55 today he was still in bed. Again what is the point of having someone like him at all around?.

Well he's up & guess what he went to the shop to buy a bottle of wine he's come back & put headphones in & is sat listening to music when our eldest is trying to talk to him. I've told him I want him gone soon rather than later